Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:
Good day, Sir! The triumphant march to the playoffs is nearing its end. The magic number for the first half clinching is four ass I write this missive. It was not that long ago you sent me that first Woodies’ hat, and if one were to believe in cosmic aligning, one would say that gesture of good faith motivated the baseball gods to release a shower of good will on the playing fortunes of the team you represent. However, we both know that cosmic aligning is the type of nonsense that is told to interns so they will work for cheap.
While the Woodies were pounding the opposition into submission this past weekend, I was wearing the DEWD hat deep into The Heartland as I was at The Memorial Tournament in Dublin, Ohio. Yes, Tiger Woods looked straight into the Woodies’ logo coming off the seventh green on Saturday and was promptly inspired to introduce himself to as many Perkins’ waitresses as he could after the round.
I realize it has been a while since I have sent you a proper missive, but I have had many irons in the fire. I assure you the Wood Ducks’ hat has been with me to all the important places. I even wore the Woodies’ jersey when I was a Celebrity Judge for the Best California Burrito in the Inland Empire at a 66ers’ game last weekend. Many experts called that night the best minor league promotion of the season, and they did not even stick around for the Beer Mile after the game, which I completed wearing the Woodies’ jersey. Pics and video were sent to your organization’s Twitter account. At the risk of sound immodest, I look fabulous in these shots.
My teenage children new curious to know if I am going to have walk up music when I throw out my first pitch at Historic Grainger Stadium. I personally think this is a but much, but my children are mortified at the prospect that I am going to embarrass them. I would not even know what song to choose. Whatever I choose, it will be loud and bring the crowd to their feet.
Since I am kind of a big deal in minor league circles these days, the Wood Ducks (your organization) have my full permission to market the hell out of my appearance. You can put my likeness all over social media, promoting an appearance from the outlaw from the Old West who re-invented Thirsty Thursday. I can send you all sorts of current headshots because I am a giver.
I just checked your promotions schedule (I do not have it tattooed to my soul yet) and realized this is Collard Greens weekend. I am quite tempted to hop on airplane to make it there this weekend, but I am leaving for Europe on Sunday, and my wife would frown upon a wild adventure that close to the trip. However, the DEWD hat will be under the Eiffel Tower on Monday, and I am sure the Parisians will embrace him with their hearts and minds. I bet the tattoo parlors in Kinston will be working overtime this weekend putting the Collard Greens Dude on people’s extremities. If I lived in the area, I would get one. I think I just came across a great future promotion. Collard Greens Dude Tattoo Night!
Does Collard Greens Dude have a name yet? Allen Lawrence [General Manager; Salem Beer Mongers] has sought my advice coming up for a name for their Beer Monger Dude, so I have a bit of experience in these things. Bartholomew might work because then we could call Collard Green Dude Big Bad Bart and sell boatloads of merchandise when the locals have a firm identity they can identify with. Or maybe we should just call him Ernie. Or Titus. Whatever the case, we always want him smiling.
Your friend in baseball,