Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:
As of right now the Inland Empire 66ers, your primary employer, sit atop the California League Attendance Per Game leaderboard as other organizations stumbled at the gate while the 66ers were on the road. As you know, this is a very important homestand coming up as the 66ers only have two home weekends this month. I am a little bit concerned about the promotions this week as they do not exactly motivate people to get to San Manuel Stadium to spend their entertainment dollars like drunken railroad engineers in a Barstow brothel.
Let’s face it, Two Dollar Tuesdays are a bit of a buzzkill without drink specials. I know your organization does not want to complete with the omnipotent Thirsty Thursday, but a little shaving of beer prices would make people feel they are getting more of a bargain. Let’s get all scientific here andjust pull some numbers right out of our ass. Let’s say on Tuesday 500 draft beers are sold at $9.00 a pop for a total of $4500 (I am pretty sure that is a high estimate for Tuesdays, but I want to keep the math simple, like Quakes’ fans). Let’s say the 66ers lowered the prices on beer to 6 bucks, and sold 1000 beers because more drinkers like my friends came to the park. That would be an extra $1500 in beer revenue right there with a minimal extra in costs because draft beer is cheap.
Those drinkers are going to buy a great deal of two dollar hot dogs to soak up the alcohol in their bellies. They will probably get some nachos also, and perhaps buy some cool hats in the team store. You know what would really jump start this spending spree? $5.00 shots of Fireball, that is what.
For some reason the Cal League scheduled a morning game on Wednesday, which is a bit of a head scratcher since it is not a travel day, and the last week of school, which eliminates group camps and school field trips. This will probably be a gruesome day at the gate, but at least the employees will be well rested for Thirsty Thursday. However, this particular Thursday has a few local high school graduations, so you will be competing with caps and gowns. Families are not going to skip gradations to come watch baseball, so this is the perfect opportunity to target the adult entertainment crowd. “Hug A Hooker Night” is the sort of thing that could gain national attention.
Friday is a Fireworks Night and Teacher Appreciation Night, which means a whole bunch of cheap drunks will enter the stadium, but school will be out for the summer, plus those teachers just received a raise, so maybe, just maybe, the cash registers will be ringing. The tipping will be for shit though. Hey, I have a great idea! Have a Beer Batter on Fridays as the beers really are not that cheap on Fridays anymore.
I am not quite sure what that Bernie/Slick mascot bobblehead is all about on Saturday Night, but It is probably time that Slick had a tragic accident in a truck bay and is no longer with us. Better yet, turn him into an object of parody who dies every night in some comic fashion like Kenny used to in South Park. Did you know that shortly after Bernie was introduced many years ago, your organization ran a promotion in which Bernie murdered the old mascot? Bernie shot the beloved Baseball Bug in cold blood on the dugout because there was only room for one mascot in San Bernardino. There was even a funeral for The Baseball Bug. Some people even wept, but not me for I was glad that creepy thing was dead.
You know what you be a great bobblehead night? Omar Vizquel Is Not A Hall of Famer Bobblehead Night, that is what. Vizquel played six games for the San Bernardino Spirit, so by minor league’s unwritten rules, he qualifies for a 66ers’ bobbed giveaway. Not only would people line up early for this giveaway, it would attract the attention of all the baseball scribes throughout the nation. Most would heap praise because Vizquel’s Hall of Fame support is ridiculous bullshit. Sure, the denizens of Cleveland would be mad, but those clown farts still worship at the altar of a loser mascot. Besides, what are they going to do, not come to a 66ers’ game? They do not even go to Indians’ games. Maybe Jose Mesa can throw out the first pitch.
Speaking of giveaways, is GM Joe ready to award me that 2019 California League All Star polo yet? My trip is coming up soon, and I want to look official as the 66ers’ Ambassador.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Does napalm count as fireworks?