Dear Sam Hansen [Director, Marketing Creative; Fresno Grizzlies]:
Well, you guys sure stepped in the cow dung last night with your little Memorial Day video that included a still shot of a US Congresswoman in a narrative about enemies of the State. I am sure the amount of outrage you have received today has been enormous, so let me assure you I am not here to pile on, but to offer rapid solutions to end this public relations nightmare. Remember, I am a smoke jumper (metaphorically), and putting out blazes like this is what I do best.
First of all, do not panic at the level of vitriol on the internet. All those people threatening to never attend a Grizzlies’ game again never went to Chukchansi Park for baseball anyway. There are just fools who believe that their words and actions have some of potency, but those clowns struggle to leave a fourteen percent tip at Applebee’s. However, many of your regulars are going to feel confused seeing an organization they trust step on their cocks in such epic fashion so these people need to reassured their best interests are still at heart, so you should slash beer prices.
I know you are thinking, Bads85, your solution to everything is to slash beer prices. Please do not confuse solutions to first steps. Lowering beer prices is just the start of the journey — any journey. Life is a long and winding road, and the end is not just over the horizon. The Beatles wrote a song about it once right before they broke up. Cutting beer prices illustrates to the fans that your organization is contrite and wants to be forgiven for its sins. Have a “Hate the Sin, not the Sinner Night”, roll up some taco trucks, and let the cheap beer flow. Forever.
Secondly, resist the urge to fire the employee who was responsible as punitive discipline is for fascists and Baby Boomers who were raised by those who beat the fascists and thought they could write blank checks in terms of disciplining their children. Use this as a teaching moments for students to show that blindly copying one’s homework off the internet often ends badly. If the public continues to demand a scapegoat, recruit a hobo that lives in walking distance of the stadium there are plenty of them), clean him up, create a fake backstory, and pretend to fire him.
Or blame a Professional Sports Catering Employee. They probably sent the video to your underling anyway. Those people are insanely jealous of the Taco Truck Throwdown and have probably set out to sabotage it. You must protect the Taco Truck Throwdown at all costs.
Thirdly, you know how they say there is no bad publicity in the minor leagues? Well, this is one of the very few exceptions. You are going to have to harness some of your genius to come up with a promotion to make people forget about this. Perhaps a combination Lucha Libre and Tractor Pull Night — or wresting on moving tractors! With soft pretzel specials! And spicy mustard! Maybe have an Ashley Swearengin Bobblehead Night because everyone loves the former mayor —- except those that do not. Perhaps it is better for your organization to avoid all things political for a very long time.
Your friend in baseball,
Bads85
PS: I assume your resume’ is in order in case you have to beat a hasty retreat.
Dead Religions 