Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales and Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:
I am sure you are cognizant of the fact that the Down East Wood Ducks are about to clinch a playoff spot by winning the first half division. If you recall from the narrative, that is the team that sent me free merchandise and offered to let me throw out the first pitch later this summer. Coincidence? Of course not. We both know that there is no such thing as coincidences in the minor leagues. The baseball gods blew soft sunshine on the Woodies in this season of rain because I have that sort of cosmic pull. I bet if some Woodpecker gear were sent my way, your organization would be second half champs, bringing the playoffs to Segra Stadium. Can you year those post season cash registers ringing? Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads} sure can.
I must commend your organization for handling the complaints of a vocal sect of batshit insane loons this first season. People will always going to complain about something, but you seem to have a certain sect of unhinged pot pissers who have fully embraced social media to scream impotently into the wind. Imagine their reaction when the “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” shirts hit the street, thanks to my new buddies at Yellow Crayon. I do not have mine yet, but it is on the way!
I will be wearing my “Pecker hat tonight to the 66ers game. GM Joe seems to love the fact that I have embraced the Carolina League. I was even invited to the new VIP luxury suite last home stand because I am kind of important. The suite in pretty incredible and larger than a double wide on Tobacco Lane. I will be wearing the hat to Europe next week. I bet you will be seeing the first ‘Pecker hat underneath the Eiffel Tower real soon because I am a minor league ambassador extraordinaire.
Hey, let’s say you do let me throw out a first pitch when I make my appearance at Segra Stadium later this summer — do I get walk up music also? I am not sure what I would choose. I do not want some tired old stadium warhorse, but I do want something the common man would know. Do you have any suggestions since we are tight and you know your crowds better than I do. Will Bunker be with me? Rumor is that DEWD is going to be pounding some suds with me in Kinston. Drinking a shot with Bunker would be pretty intense. You would have one with us, of course. Or eight.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Do you guys have any ‘Peckers boxers? I would wear them in Kinston if you do. I am not really a briefs guy though because I have big feet.