Dead Religions

Dear Jim Jaworski {General Manager; Daytona Tortugas]:

Great news! I received a missive from your organization that the Tortuga gear that I purchased yesterday has shipped. Barring a fiery US Postal accident, my hoodie and t-shirt should be here for the massive expected ports next week in San Diego at baseball’s winter meeting. While you have not had the opportunity to respond to my inquiry, I would like to think that you made things happen. It seems to me that you do not have a Director of Merchandising, so perhaps you had to light a fire under the ass of Paul Krenzer [Director of Ticket Operations] to get my packages in the mail. Thank you for you immediate concern in regards to my request. I am not too proud to admit I felt I slight stirring when I saw my packages were on the way.

Since you appear to be lacking a Director of Merchandise, please allow me to share some of my expertise in this matter since I am wizened minor league veteran who has spent small countries’ Gross Domestic Products in teams store around the circuit. You should really be printing #StandWithTheJack t-shirts with a picture of Jackie Robinson Stadium Ballpark at center mast. Send Max Furbee [Tickets Sales Executive ] and Trevor Fay [Community Relations and Outside Events Manager] to the SEC Championship game in Atlanta this week to distribute the shirts so your plight is recognized outside of the state of Florida. I am sure Max and Trevor really do not have anything planned for the weekend, so a long road trip would certainly be an educational experience that will make them better employees in the long run.

Also, you should ship me about twenty of these shirts so I can distribute them at Jackie Robinson Stadium at UCLA baseball’s home opener in a couple of months. You probably do not know this, but I put the Down East Wood Ducks on the map in Southern California. I am even the president on the Southern California Wood Ducks Backers Association, Sons of Vengeance Chapter. We have all sorts of cool parties. Since I am a giver, I would gladly spread the word of your plight at major sporting events and attractions in the area. Imagine #StandWithTheJack at the Rose Bowl, Disneyland, and the Sunset Strip. Maybe Motley Crue will wear the shirts on their next reunion tour.

Make sure you have your city and team name on the shirt. Did you see the rookie mistake one of your compatriots in the FSL made today with their rebranding? Not one male shirt has Fort Myers any where on it. No one is going to know what the hell that is all about; they are just going to see a Brandiose logo of what looks like a roided infant sticking his determined face out of a purple vagina. In this glorious time of Baby Yoda sipping his steaming drink memes, the Mighty Mussels are quite frightening unnamed apparitions. 

I have another suggestion if this contraction this is not resolved soon. You know how MLB is having that cheesy Field of Dreams game in Iowa this summer? Imagine if tens of thousands of minor league fans walked out of the cornfield to protest the game? Boobie Bob would shit his pants. I am pretty sure the logistics would not that be hard to overcome, other than the sleeping arrangements. 

I need to go for now. Thanks again for your staff promptly mailing my purchase. #StandWithTheJack

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Jim Jaworski {General Manager; Daytona Tortugas]:

I purchased some Tortuga merchandise online today and am growing anxious because it has not shipped yet. I did receive an email stating that your organization “was getting my order ready to be shipped”, but that was hours ago. How long does it take your staff to put my hoodie and t-shirt in a US Postal envelope and mail it? I ordered gear from the Wichita Wind Surge and the Kannapolis Cannon Ballers today also, and they have already shipped the merchandise. It is imperative that I receive my Tortuga gear by this weekend because I plan on wearing it to baseball’s winter meetings in San Diego in support of your organization since Robert Manfred (in my social circles, he is referred to as Boobie Bob) wants to strip the MLB affiliation from the Tortugas .

Jim, I am not going to the winter meetings to frolic in the idyllic San Diego weather; I am traveling there to take the contraction struggle to Boobie Bob’s feet. I mean, I am sure I will have my share of cocktails in San Diego, especially if my buddy Harold is in town, but I am greeting this trip as a gladiator struggle, and when I gird my loins, I want that Daytona Tortuga logo to be prominent on my chest. While this is probably only the opening salvo in a bitter turf war, I want the Commissioner to get a good look at who he is trying to eliminate. I must say I am going to look absolutely smashing in my new 108 Stitches Gray Euro Raglan Hoodie as I carry myself very well.

I am requesting that you ensure this gear gets shipped immediately. I realize that a general manager is usually above this sort of task, but the struggle is suddenly very high stakes. Unless your resume’ is in order, it would probably behoove you to assist in the success of my protest. Lives are in the balance as our way of life is being threatened by Major League goons.

You might be wondering whom I am since the Florida State League is not my circuit, so let me assure you I am one of minor league baseball’s greatest ambassadors. I am kind of a big deal throughout the land and am fresh off an 11,000 mile minor league road trip. I did not attend any FSL games on this trip because very few people attend FSL game, and I had commitments to other minor league executives to keep. Maybe one day my travels will take me to the FSL, but I think a Pecos League tour might have to come first, especially since Frank E. Sollecito, Jr. Ballpark in Monterey, CA now serves beer. Go Amberjacks!

However, this is the FSL’s time of need, so maybe the Pecos League will have to wait for a summer. I see that you offer dollar beers on Thirsty Thursday, which is much cheaper than the $3.00 I must pay on the same night at San Manuel Stadium, the home of the Inland Empire 66ers. I would come to the 2020 FSL All Star at Jackie Robinson Ballpark, but alas, I will be spreading the gospel of minor league baseball throughout Spain at the time. If I do make to your stadium next summer, we will have to slam some tequila shots in your office like true minor league executives. 

But first San Diego next week, where we must show Boobie Bob he is making a terrible mistake. Will anyone from your organization be attending? Perhaps Ryan Keur [President; Daytona Tortugas]? Perhaps your trio of owners? Maybe even you? If you guys need placards displaying your displeasure, I have contacts with may graphic designers all over the country. Last summer in Fayetteville, NC, I helped a local shop design one of the greatest t-shirts ever to grace the minors, the now famous “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” shirt. 

I certainly hope your organization is planning on making a large appearance as the STRUGGLE IS NOW. Maybe we can have a beer or fifteen together, but I cannot make any promises as I am pretty high in demand, and so many other minor league executives are going to want to have their picture taken with me to put on their family holiday cards. At the very least, we should be able to disrupt traffic together, at least until the San Diego police break out the water cannons. I need to make sure my fantasy football lineups are set by then because the playoffs start next week, and minor league road trips do to pay for themselves. 

Anyway, I am sure we will converse much more in the upcoming weeks as we are united in our struggle. SOLIDARITY!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Minor League Baseball Owners [All of Them]:

Greetings from minor league baseball’s most ardent ambassador! Many of you know me, some rather intimately, others are firm acquaintances, and some of you are just ships that passed in the night. For those of you have have not had the pleasure of knowing about me, well, you soon will because once the dust settles and clears, I will be the person who saved minor league baseball from the usurpers in Major League Baseball. 

Let’s just cut to the chase here. I should not have to remind you that there are 160 affiliated minor league organizations and only thirty MLB organizations. You vastly outnumber those arrogant pricks, and you could certainly use those numbers to your advantage if you were to embrace a united front. Just think if General Custer had those numbers.

The MLB owners think that you will retreat to preserve your self interests because that is what minor league tribes have done in the past. However, they need you more than you need them. What if all the minor league organizations not owned by MLB clubs said, “Sorry, MLB, you can no longer play in our stadiums. Guess you will have to find another venue. There might be some community colleges with open fields in 2012, but good luck getting a liquor license.”

That is right, good sirs. Lock those fucking bastards right out of your park. Almost all of you or the city in which you do business has control of the stadiums, not those carpet baggers. This means not only do you control those markets, but they have to respect your territorial rights. Where are they going to find markets in which to develop their prospects? Terre Haute, Indiana? The Netherlands? Their spring training parks which are absolutely miserable in the summer?

Are you not tired of their arrogance? After all, you are all very wealthy individuals who have made your own fortunes. Why should you continue to eat the shit sandwiches they keep serving you? Rabbit punch the bully in the nose. After all, those clowns are not as united as they claim to be? They never have been about anything, but especially this. Do really thing the Yankees want to develop talent the Astros’ way? The New York Yankees with their twenty-seven championships compared to the one Astros’ championship, which is now tarnished because of rampant cheating? Do you think all clubs really want the draft shortened because some hungover stat heads do not enjoy sitting through the later rounds of the draft? Push back, and that imaginary alliance will collapse faster than a late summer Duck Dynasty promotion at San Manuel Stadium that does not have Willie. 

Oh sure, you will be throwing a nice size rock into a hornet’s nest, and they will rage, howl, and make threats, and that is when you punch them in the nuts with your second haymaker. Announce your own developmental league starting in 2021 that will be a partnership with organizations like Perfect Game USA. You might be asking yourself right now where the bulk of these players will be coming from, and the answer is simple: from the draft you will implant the day after the College World Series ends while MLB is left holding their cocks waiting for an August draft. Sign these draftees to multi year deals with salaries and bonuses higher than the current MiLB pay scale, and boom, MLB no longer has complete control over their talent pool. Sell the blue chip prospects to MLB in a few years at inflated prices to recoup your expenses. 

Just the threat of this will disintegrate any illusion that might remain that the MLB owners are united about this war on the minor leagues. The best part about this is the just the threat of this will have them squirming. Look, they think they can just crush you and roll into their next struggle with the MLBPA. Very few owners are going to want a protracted struggle with their minor league affiliates going into that, especially one that is extremely disruptive to their status quo. Most do not really want to fight you; some arrogant analysts made some promises that just cannot be kept. Do you really think that most owners think the Baltimore Orioles are a voice of reason in this? Hell no. Most teams will relish the fact that certain recently disgraced organizations stepped in even more dog poo. 

You also need to embark on guerrilla warfare campaign, and the best way to do that is through merchandising. Actively attack MLB and Herr Manfred with T-shirts with pithy slogans like, “I Miss Bud”, “Harpoon the Bloat”, “Don’t Steal My Signs, Bro!”, and “Why Won’t Baby Jesus Save the Snowmen?” (that last one is not really baseball related, but it will move a great deal of shirts). Every night at every park an image of Robert Manfred should be displayed on the video scoreboard so fans in attendance can shout derision. “Bobby Booby” fans can call him.

You should also organize protests at the winter meetings in San Diego next month. Security might be tight at the Hilton San Diego Bayfront, but they will not be prepared for a surge of savages that crush the front door. You should recruit lower rung employees, fans, and hobos to picket the place — maybe some prostitutes and sailors also to bring some class to the joint. 

It is time to hit back, and hit back hard. You probably want me at the negotiating table because not only do I have a razor sharp tongue, I possess the level of gorgeousness that makes the powerful whimper  because they know this type of beauty just cannot be purchased, plus I am really fun at post-bargaining parties. 

SOLIDARITY! Down with Bobby Booby!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Jacquline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits]:

I could offer you condolences about your organization being placed on the Minor League Baseball contracting list, but we really do not have time for the niceties of pleasant conversation because Big Bad Bob Manfred has declared war. By now you must realize that your employer, Main Street Baseball, is someone’s target as all but one of their teams is on the contraction list. I am sure you are cognizant of the fact that ten current or former Houston Astros affiliates are on the lest, plus the plan calls for another former affiliate, the AAA Fresno Grizzles, to be pushed into the California League. Maybe even more alarming is that at least four of the teams on the list have women executives in top positions: the River Bandits, the Lexington Legends, the Staten Island Yankees, and the Burlington Royals. The way I see it is you have two choices: make sure your resume is in order or fight. 

You probably remember me fondly as the friendly minor league ambassador, but before I grew naturally into that role, I wielded a pretty bad ass war hammer in the dark days of Bud Selig’s reign. We really do not have time to re-tell those past exploits because time marches forward, and the opportunity to strike decisively is just in front of us at the winter meeting in San Diego. Imagine if the lobby of the Hilton San Diego Bayfront was filled with vociferous protestors loyal to the cause of preserving minor league baseball. Think how the images would explode on both social and traditional media, especially if the crowd rushed the bar to usurp all the bourbon for THE CAUSE while a burning effigy of Robert Manfred sets off the sprinter system.

I understand that not too many Iowans will be able to make the trip to San Diego for this as the Presidential Caucus is nearing, but they can be there in spirit. However, they can certainly flood the Field of Dreams Game in Dyersville next August in the flesh. I am sure the temporary fences there will be easy to scale to swarm the field to interrupt the game. Maybe some lucky protestor from Clinton will be turned into a martyr when an overzealous first responder unleashes a fire hose.

It is important to remember that the beating of war drums also present the shred with lucrative marketing opportunities. This is a wonderful opportunity to sell so many t-shirts about saving the River Bandits with slogans like “You can take our affiliation from our cold dead hands” or “Touch my team, and this bat goes in your posterior orifice.” Your crack merchandise team can probably sell a great deal of victory socks also — I am not sure how that would work because like most great prophets, I usually wear sandals. And hats, oh, you will be able to sell so many hats.

Here is an idea you can float to your boss, David Heller [President and CEO of Main Street Baseball]: minor league baseball owners are hardly destitute. In fact, they are quite wealthy, wealthy enough to partner up with organization like Perfect Game USA to usurp talent from MLB if the draft is pushed back to August. Sign and pay players to a three year contract to play in a new development leagues, then sell the blue chippers to MLB at exorbitant prices. While this new league could never go toe to toe with MLB, the threat of taking players of their draft board will make them have an accident in their pants. They have had complete control of the talent pool for so long that they are too blind to see their proposal opens the door for OPERATION TALENT SNATCH.

I have many more ideas, but tonight I must rest. Let me assure you that things are not as dark as they seem.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Danielle Chylinski, [Promotions & Marketing Manager; Hartford Yard Goats]:

The word on the mean streets of minor league baseball is that you are the brains behind perhaps the very best Twitter account in MiLB. While that is a bit like being the tallest pygmy, I must commend you on the brilliance of the recent “The Chargers are coming to Hartford” campaign, which truly transcends most creative endeavors found within the parameters of law and order. I dare say, there might be a little bit of an outlaw in you. 

I write to you because I would really like to see the Chargers leave the region I call home because they do not belong here and are a burden on the good people of Los Angeles, especially those of us who live in the exurbs. In case you have not heard of me, I am a wizened minor league ambassador who travels from park to park, exchanging tales of the road with others who are cut from the same cloth. I even made it to Dunkin Donuts park last summer, although I did not stick around for a game because the Fisher Cats have a better bar. I did purchase some pretty sharp Yard Goat merchandise because I am a slave to fashion. 

I would like to offer you some advice, but let me assure you I am not mansplaining even though I have my own business cards presented to me by Joe Hudson [General Manager, Inland Empire 66ers and two time California League Executive of the Year] at Fan Appreciation Night last season. You obviously are very competent at your job. However, we have a common goal, plus it is a very long time to spring training and the long winter days pass much quicker when one is chasing delusional griffins. 

The first thing you should do is illustrate while the owner of the Chargers vehemently denied the team was moving to London, he was strangely silent about the team moving to Hartford. This should generate a great deal of speculation in your area, and right now talk is your greatest ally. Maybe make a call or two to some local television outlets to see if they will run with this (they usually do as most of the intelligence has been bred out of TV reporters for appearance). 

Secondly, you need boots on the ground in the Los Angeles area. I think my son and I are the only people who own Yard Goats gear in Southern California. You should talk to Mike Abramson [General Manager; Hartford Yard Goats] about requisitioning some gear to send to me so I can distribute to my legions (we all wear size XXL because we have shoulders broad enough to carry the weight of the word). Mr. Abramson knows who I am as I have been sending him missives for quite some time. This time last year, Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] sent me some Wood Ducks gear, and I can modestly say it changed the course of his organization. There is even a Southern California Down East Wood Ducks Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter now. 

Your organization have a Southern California presence will not only facilitate a quicker mover for the Chargers to Hartford, but you will expand your brand into an untapped market. Imagine Yard Goats bling all over Disneyland, Hollywood Boulevard, the Santa Monica Pier, and Griffith Observatory. Networking can make that happen. Networking and a catchy slogan that involves trains and goats.

Hey, I have a totally unrelated question: what is like to work in the same office with Tom Baxter [Fundraising and Community Engagement Manager] and his magnificent hair? Did you know he cut his teeth in this industry with the Inland Empire 66ers? he did not make a lasting impression with me then, so I wonder if he cropped his hair back then. 

Pardon my digression. Normally, I am razor focused on the task at hand, but that hair.. Whew. I look forward to hearing from you as we work to rid Southern California of the Chargers while expanding the Yard Goat brand into my back yard. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Anna Forslin [Promotions Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]:

It has been a while since we last conversed at the 66ers’ Season Ticket Holder World Series Party, which turned out being quite the bash for a select few. I think we would both agree that the season ticket holder fan base could use of an infusion of non-derelicts, but that is Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales]’s job description, not yours. I hope you are finding the challenges of your new position manageable and rewarding. I am sure you are working diligently on the promotion schedule for next year, and I thought I would pass along a few suggestions based on my extensive travels throughout the land of minor league baseball.

As I am sure you are well aware, Mondays are by far the least attended games at San Manuel Stadium, largely in part because Man’s Best Friend Monday just does not elicit excitement in San Bernardino. After all, if one takes their pooch to the park, who is guarding the house from roving gangs of burglars? Not Fido and Spike because they have their noses up a terrier’s ass on the outfield lawn of San Manuel Stadium. We do not have to get rid of allowing any variation of Bark at the Park Night because some kooky animal rights activist will surely complain, but the promo needs a great deal more bite (see what I did there).

One of the most efficient solutions to a lack luster dog themed promotion is a Happy Hour. I know you are thinking, “Bads85, that is your solution to everything!”, but I am not incorrect. Have drink specials from 6:00 to 7:30 PM and give it a clever name like “Man’s Best Friend Monday with SHOTS!” If that is too direct, then maybe advertise “tail-wagging toddies.” Mongrel Madness Monday might work also, although that aptly describes the season ticket fan base.You will most certainly have to post reminders that pets make lousy designated drivers.

Hey, do you ever have a moment when a creative insight out of nowhere just floors you? (I am sure you no otherwise you would have no been promoted to the Promotions Manager).  You know how there have been complaints about Bernie becoming stale, and that race with little kids is becoming tedious because Bernie loses all the time? The solution just came to me in a very powerful vision: The Designated Loser.

Hear me out: let’s say we have Bernie race adults near beginning of the game (if we wait too long, we will have alcohol related problems). Everyone in the stadium is used to Bernie losing, but during this race, the dedicated 66ers’ staff is going to ensure that Bernie wins. The loser still gets the old change or whatever sponsor prize you have available, but the PA Dude and the Big Screen designate the participant as the Designated Loser, and the entire stadium laughs. We can still have the kids’ race later in the game, but this spices things up.

You see, Anna, the beauty is not in the losing, but how the participants will lose. They will be tricked, manipulated, but never humiliated because that hurts repeat ticket sales. Give Bernie a big head start on second base, but instead of screwing around, Bernie runs to win while the participant is held up. One game El Cucuy and Slick could hold up the participant somewhere near the finish line. One game you could still be explain the rules to the participant when Bernie takes off. One game GM Joe could level the participant with a flying tackle right on the base paths. The crack creative promotions teams can brainstorm ways for the participant to lose, even tying the loss to particular theme nights (getting blown up by the Death Star would be epic — just use one of the knocker ball inflatables as the Death Star).

Of course, for this promotions to soar, it needs to be properly modeled more than a few times before we turn this over to the masses. That is where I come in — as you know from personal experience, I have absolutely no qualms with losing a promotion. I volunteer myself to be the initial Designated Loser, although perhaps we should use the term “Beloved and Beautiful Designated Loser” when I do it. I would suggest handing me a mic so I can taunt Bernie a bit also as I wander into right field. In fact, we could create a social media rivalry this offseason in which I challenge Bernie to start training because I am coming for him. Your minions can create videos because WINTER IS LONG.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Tom Baxter [Fundraising and Community Engagement Manager; Hartford Yard Goats]:

Congratulations on the Hartford Yard Goats being awarded the coveted John Henry Ross Award, given to the club which demonstrates an outstanding, ongoing commitment to charitable service, support, and leadership. Will you be part of the Yard Goat contingent heading to the 2019 Baseball Winter Meetings™ at the Hilton San Diego Bayfront in San Diego, California on December 8-12 to accept the award? This award is certainly the result of your hard work and dedication, but it seems like the top brass is basking in the glory of the press releases. I am a confident you are a team player so this does not bother you personally, but the minor league baseball world is being denied candid shots of your fabulous hair.

You see, I am a minor league ambassador who travels from park to park to spread good cheer and the oral tradition of minor league ball. I even made it to Dunkin Donut Park last summer, but not for a game because of the scarcity of tickets that night, plus I heard Northeast Delta Dental Stadium had a much better bar. I did hang out in your team shop for a bit, buying some pretty cool Yard Goat bling that I now wear on my journeys (the most recent being the Arizona Fall League Championship weekend). At the end of the 2019 campaign, Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] dubbed me the official Thirsty Thursday Ambassador and presented me a stack of my own personal business cards with my title for my travels.

You might remember GM Joe as you cut your minor league teeth with the 66ers back when Joe was still running the concessions part of the operation. He was recently awarded his second California Executive of the Year Award, mainly because San Manuel Stadium (Arrowhead Credit Union Park when you worked there) recently hosted the greatest Cal League All Star game ever. Many would say I played more than a small part in that, but modesty prohibits me from taking credit, plus GM Joe never gave me a 2019 California All Star League polo, even though I was a Celebrity Burrito Judge on a food truck throw down night.

Our paths might have crossed back in 2009 when you were the Group Events Planner for the 66ers because I am all about bringing groups to the ballpark, but probably not because I would have remembered your magnificent hair. 2009 was a bit of a rough year to be in the San Bernardino area, even rougher than normal. Urban blight was spreading through the city in leaps and bounds, and all the heroes had traveled east of Eden. It is no wonder you turned around and headed to Scranton, especially if you were work rivals with GM Joe — two young, dapper looking dudes trying to climb their way up the minor league front office ladder.

I see your organization will be hosting the 2021 Eastern League All Star Game, which is pretty heady stuff, although it means fans will not be able to eat peanuts as they watch the best players of the Eastern League play for honor and pride. An all star game without peanuts is like a circus without elephants, but it is not like yo guys are forcing people to eat fetid possum pizza — I think. Plus, this peanut ban does not seem to be affecting your attendance or attracting violent protesters bankrolled by the vicious peanut industry and Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald-Smythe, aka Mr. Peanut. Make no mistake, Mr. Peanut is a shit stirrer.

Anyway, I need to go as Game Six of the World Series will be on shorty, and it could be the last baseball game for a while, except for the Mexicali road trip in a couple of weeks to se the Aquilas in some Liga Mexicana del Pacífico action. The job of a minor league ambassador is never really done.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Daniel Vazquez {Assistant General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Welcome to the Inland Empire 66ers’ family, a gang of reprobates that would make the customers of the cantina in Mos Eisley flee through the back door,.Old Ben Kenobi never made it to The Dino. I am not sure if you know what you got yourself into, but San Bernardino is a savage place where dreams die in the womb if they are even lucky enough to be conceived. There are only two types of minor league executives in the California League: the upwardly mobile survivors and those who carcasses appear years later in a culvert along CA-99, the agricultural highway that stretches from Wheeler’s Ridge to the grave of Tom Joad. Luckily, you have me as a tour guide, even though we have not been properly introduced at this point.

You are probably wondering just who the hell I am, so let’s just say for now I am kind of a big deal: a local legend who has the support of the working class and the upper crust elite. I am also really fun at parties, which is why Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] recently named me the official Thursday Thursday Ambassador and presented me with business cards to help me spread my baseball gospels. When I am not sharing oral traditions at San Manuel Stadium, I travel from minor league town to town, creating new adventures along the way. Some men curse the broken world they can never mend; others like me embrace the spirit of a smoke jumper in the devil’s arcade.

But enough talk about me since you will get to know me very well in the upcoming months. I am reaching out to you to ensure your transition to the California League is smooth. You are a long way from Nelson W. Wolf Stadium in San Antonio. This is the city where The Clash literally disintegrated on stage, never to play together again. Sammy Davis Jr. lost an eyer in a car wreck, and Bongwater lost his virginity the the back seat of a Camaro at the base of the dark side of Little Mountain. Bongwater earned his nickname at San Manuel Stadium when he passed a flask of bongwater down the aisle instead of bourbon We do not have to sneak flasks into the stadium anymore now that GM Joe made booze possible at the park. All hail GM Joe!

Still, this is the place where unpopular bobblehead become bludgeoning devices by the fourth inning in the hands of characters named Bacon Hag, Hetchy Sketchy, Shackles, and Carl. The Shaky Daveys wrestle with the G Street Hobos for the possession of the city’s soul every night, and true love has not been around these parts since 1997. A tree might not grow in Brooklyn, but it will in San Bernardino because wild fires need fuel, man.

Since you come from the organization that created Henry the Puffy Taco, your first task this offseason should be to infuse some life into the 66ers beloved mascot, Bernie, who quite frankly has been living off his laurels for about three seasons. Once upon Bernie shot his predecessor dead from the first base dugout because there was only room for one outlaw in town at that time, but these days, Bernie has grown soft, trading in his Harley for a Vespa. He cannot even shake his lame corporate sidekick, Slick, who is the poster boy for why old white people should not be in charge of mascot design. 

Your second task should be to convince GM Joe to slash beer and liquor prices for season at San Manuel Stadium, The unwashed masses can pay full price, but the season ticket holders should be rewarded for their loyalty, especially since the team has not been close to the playoffs since 2014. Daniel, this team makes its fans turn to the bottle just to get through the third inning. 

Maybe you also can start a charity for some of the season ticket holders to get on a dental plan also because there are some bad teeth running round the concourse. 

I am going to have to let you go — I am still recovering from the Arizona Fall League championship weekend. Flags fly forever and all, but livers only pass once.

Your friend in baseball, 

Bads85

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Sorry it has been a while since we last corresponded, but as you are most certainly aware, Major League Baseball has declared war on our lifestyle, so my expert opinion in all matters of the minor leagues has been in great demand. I have been juggling my war hammer, my diplomat hat, and my peace pipe as the drums of discontent and the shrieks of fear fill the air. Who would have though that last summer would be the last of idyllic innocence?

We will march forward into uncertainly, armed with the knowledge that mayhem is ultimately our ally. I am sure we can begin discussing strategies to hold this affront at bay at the Inland Empire 66ers Season Ticket Holder World Series Watch Party at San Manuel Stadium. Speaking of season tickets, I received my invoice for my 2020 tickets, and did prices increase, say like by 50 bucks? I mean, that is still the best deal in the California League unless I want to drive to the moonscape of Lancaster (my same seats would cost $300 more in San Jose), but am I losing my mind? 

But I digress. does anyone know how David Elmore is holding up during this attack from Major League Baseball? Five of his organizations could be in the scope, with even the California League drawing a reduction, or worse, Fresno and all their damn taco trucks placed in the High A ball. Now I love a good taco truck as much as anyone with a lick of sense, but I do not need fleets of them choking traffic as the citizens of the city worship next to their wheel wells. Down here in Burrito Land, we think of tacos as appetizers. 

Maybe we can cheer up Mr. Elmore by promising he can play Emperor Palpatine at Star Wars Night next year while GM Joe dons a Rylo Ken outfit. I am not sure Joe has the hair to pull off Rylo though. Perhaps we should fly in Tom Baxter [Fundraising and Community Engagement Manager; Hartford Yard Goats] since he has the most magnificent hair in the minors to stand in for Adam Driver. Did you Tom started his profession career in the 66ers front office way back when Joe was running the concession stands at San Manuel Stadium? Imagine those two young legends working side by side. 

Or perhaps we should convince Mr. Elmore that this is the time to finally get that new stadium built in Bakersfield to strengthen the Cal League. I am sure he is still giddy with the new stadium in Amarillo even as MLB encroaches on his assets. If he is concentrating his effort there, we can get down to some real outlaw stuff in The Dino, say like a 66ers bird feeder night. Nothing says reckless abandon like red robins in one’s backyard perching on the like likeness of Bernie, having a decadent feast. Specking of which, a little birdie told me that Beer Jerseys are going to be the rage this upcoming season, so you might want to tell Anna Forslin [Promotional Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] to get on that right away. 

Hey, do you think maybe the concessions stands at San Manuel Stadium serve some quality brown mustard this season? Let’s quit acting like Philistines with all this dam yellow mustard; a quality dog deserves a good mustard. I am sure that some of our season ticket base will try to drink the brown mustard through a straw, but Ryan Liptrot [Director of Food and Beverage; Inland Empire 66ers] can certainly come up with solution once he is certain San Manuel Stadium never runs out of Fireball.

What should I wear to the World Series viewing party? I am pulling for the blimp to crash into the stadium, and there just is not too many sports merchandise companies that have the true courage to make those type of statements. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I stil covet a 2019 California League All Star polo.

Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

Congratulations on being named the 2019 Carolina League Calvin Falwell Executive of the Year. This will almost certainly allow you to move forward after losing out to the Udder Tuggers in the Golden Bobbleheads earlier this offseason. I do not think it is a coincidence that you received this prestigious award shortly after we started exchanging missives (well, you have not responded to me yet, but I would say we are well on our way to bonding). I certainly had nothing to do with your winning; your hard work and shrewd insight was what that was all about. I just sort of bring good fortune into people’s lives, like a good minor league ambassador should.

My compatriot Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66es] was awarded the 2019 California League Executive of the Year Award also, his second in three years. He does have the advantage of me being around though, which is an immeasurable help. For example, once this year on a Thirsty Thursday, the world famous bar on the visitor’s dugout was out of Fireball, and there was a delay in replenishing this wonderful juice, so I texted “CODE RED! OUT OF FIREBALL!” to certain front office executives, and the situation was immediately remedied. The booze was flowing and the cash registers were ringing once again because of my problem solving skills. It is just the way I roll.

Did you know that Chris Kemple [former General Manager; Wilmington Blue Rocks] won the award fives time? He was a minor league deity even before he created Mr. Celery through lifting an idea from the Lake Elsinore Storm at an all star game. Just think, you have earned the same award as the legend who created Mr. Celery. That is pretty heady stuff. You know what you have over Mr. Kemple? He never had quite had the gorgeous hair you do. No one can take that away from you but old age.

I see you have a Putt Putt charity event coming up. The Carolina League West Coast Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter, want to enter a team. We used to just be the Down East Ducks West Coast Backers, but since I am the Dictator For Life of this chapter, I made an executive decision to expand to the entire league (except for the Winston-Salem Dash and their overtly phallic team logo) after hanging out with certain Carolina League executives this summer. I did not hang out with you because there is no high speed rail to Myrtle Beach. 

But I digress; we really want to enter a team. However, we have some logistical issues. For starters, we are going to be in Mexicali that weekend for our Mexicano Liga Del Pacifico pilgrimage (well, I hope so — getting these guys to go anywhere together beyond San Manuel Stadium is like herding wet cats). Since we cannot be there, we need someone to play in our place —someone respectable, not some beach winos who sleep under the boardwalk. No transplanted Chicago Democrats with a Kennedy complex either. Our fill-ins would have to be willing to wear our full uniforms also, including the capes. I was thinking you could use your tremendous local pull to reach out to the city council and get them to play as us, but then I just looked that their pictures, and Holy Hot Dog Stand, let’s try to get some first responders instead.

Secondly, you probably should be open for some marketing advice. Dude, the Pelicans’ team logo needs to be on the golf balls both on the social media ads and the real balls at the tournament. This is Minor League Baseball 101. Just get one of your ticket reps to rub decals on the tournament balls and have your social media expert photoshop a logo onto whatever you are using in the online ads. And whatever you do, NO BLUE BALLS! Carolina League West Coast Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter cannot have their name associated with something that appears a bit fly by night. 

I must say though, the Carolina League West Coast Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter is very impressed with your Pelicans’ Fund, which does outstanding work. Our club motto is “Come for the beer specials, stay for the charities, and always give back to the community!”, which is as you probably know, something that should be tattooed to the soul of every minor league veteran. 

The hour grows late here, so I did you adieu for now. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: What do you mean by “Light Snacks”? And will there be Pelicans’ Putting for Purpose bling for purchase?