Dear Anna Forslin [Promotions Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]:
It has been a while since we last conversed at the 66ers’ Season Ticket Holder World Series Party, which turned out being quite the bash for a select few. I think we would both agree that the season ticket holder fan base could use of an infusion of non-derelicts, but that is Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales]’s job description, not yours. I hope you are finding the challenges of your new position manageable and rewarding. I am sure you are working diligently on the promotion schedule for next year, and I thought I would pass along a few suggestions based on my extensive travels throughout the land of minor league baseball.
As I am sure you are well aware, Mondays are by far the least attended games at San Manuel Stadium, largely in part because Man’s Best Friend Monday just does not elicit excitement in San Bernardino. After all, if one takes their pooch to the park, who is guarding the house from roving gangs of burglars? Not Fido and Spike because they have their noses up a terrier’s ass on the outfield lawn of San Manuel Stadium. We do not have to get rid of allowing any variation of Bark at the Park Night because some kooky animal rights activist will surely complain, but the promo needs a great deal more bite (see what I did there).
One of the most efficient solutions to a lack luster dog themed promotion is a Happy Hour. I know you are thinking, “Bads85, that is your solution to everything!”, but I am not incorrect. Have drink specials from 6:00 to 7:30 PM and give it a clever name like “Man’s Best Friend Monday with SHOTS!” If that is too direct, then maybe advertise “tail-wagging toddies.” Mongrel Madness Monday might work also, although that aptly describes the season ticket fan base.You will most certainly have to post reminders that pets make lousy designated drivers.
Hey, do you ever have a moment when a creative insight out of nowhere just floors you? (I am sure you no otherwise you would have no been promoted to the Promotions Manager). You know how there have been complaints about Bernie becoming stale, and that race with little kids is becoming tedious because Bernie loses all the time? The solution just came to me in a very powerful vision: The Designated Loser.
Hear me out: let’s say we have Bernie race adults near beginning of the game (if we wait too long, we will have alcohol related problems). Everyone in the stadium is used to Bernie losing, but during this race, the dedicated 66ers’ staff is going to ensure that Bernie wins. The loser still gets the old change or whatever sponsor prize you have available, but the PA Dude and the Big Screen designate the participant as the Designated Loser, and the entire stadium laughs. We can still have the kids’ race later in the game, but this spices things up.
You see, Anna, the beauty is not in the losing, but how the participants will lose. They will be tricked, manipulated, but never humiliated because that hurts repeat ticket sales. Give Bernie a big head start on second base, but instead of screwing around, Bernie runs to win while the participant is held up. One game El Cucuy and Slick could hold up the participant somewhere near the finish line. One game you could still be explain the rules to the participant when Bernie takes off. One game GM Joe could level the participant with a flying tackle right on the base paths. The crack creative promotions teams can brainstorm ways for the participant to lose, even tying the loss to particular theme nights (getting blown up by the Death Star would be epic — just use one of the knocker ball inflatables as the Death Star).
Of course, for this promotions to soar, it needs to be properly modeled more than a few times before we turn this over to the masses. That is where I come in — as you know from personal experience, I have absolutely no qualms with losing a promotion. I volunteer myself to be the initial Designated Loser, although perhaps we should use the term “Beloved and Beautiful Designated Loser” when I do it. I would suggest handing me a mic so I can taunt Bernie a bit also as I wander into right field. In fact, we could create a social media rivalry this offseason in which I challenge Bernie to start training because I am coming for him. Your minions can create videos because WINTER IS LONG.
Your friend in baseball,