I Offer To Save The Tortugas

Dear Jim Jaworski {General Manager; Daytona Tortugas]:

I purchased some Tortuga merchandise online today and am growing anxious because it has not shipped yet. I did receive an email stating that your organization “was getting my order ready to be shipped”, but that was hours ago. How long does it take your staff to put my hoodie and t-shirt in a US Postal envelope and mail it? I ordered gear from the Wichita Wind Surge and the Kannapolis Cannon Ballers today also, and they have already shipped the merchandise. It is imperative that I receive my Tortuga gear by this weekend because I plan on wearing it to baseball’s winter meetings in San Diego in support of your organization since Robert Manfred (in my social circles, he is referred to as Boobie Bob) wants to strip the MLB affiliation from the Tortugas .

Jim, I am not going to the winter meetings to frolic in the idyllic San Diego weather; I am traveling there to take the contraction struggle to Boobie Bob’s feet. I mean, I am sure I will have my share of cocktails in San Diego, especially if my buddy Harold is in town, but I am greeting this trip as a gladiator struggle, and when I gird my loins, I want that Daytona Tortuga logo to be prominent on my chest. While this is probably only the opening salvo in a bitter turf war, I want the Commissioner to get a good look at who he is trying to eliminate. I must say I am going to look absolutely smashing in my new 108 Stitches Gray Euro Raglan Hoodie as I carry myself very well.

I am requesting that you ensure this gear gets shipped immediately. I realize that a general manager is usually above this sort of task, but the struggle is suddenly very high stakes. Unless your resume’ is in order, it would probably behoove you to assist in the success of my protest. Lives are in the balance as our way of life is being threatened by Major League goons.

You might be wondering whom I am since the Florida State League is not my circuit, so let me assure you I am one of minor league baseball’s greatest ambassadors. I am kind of a big deal throughout the land and am fresh off an 11,000 mile minor league road trip. I did not attend any FSL games on this trip because very few people attend FSL game, and I had commitments to other minor league executives to keep. Maybe one day my travels will take me to the FSL, but I think a Pecos League tour might have to come first, especially since Frank E. Sollecito, Jr. Ballpark in Monterey, CA now serves beer. Go Amberjacks!

However, this is the FSL’s time of need, so maybe the Pecos League will have to wait for a summer. I see that you offer dollar beers on Thirsty Thursday, which is much cheaper than the $3.00 I must pay on the same night at San Manuel Stadium, the home of the Inland Empire 66ers. I would come to the 2020 FSL All Star at Jackie Robinson Ballpark, but alas, I will be spreading the gospel of minor league baseball throughout Spain at the time. If I do make to your stadium next summer, we will have to slam some tequila shots in your office like true minor league executives. 

But first San Diego next week, where we must show Boobie Bob he is making a terrible mistake. Will anyone from your organization be attending? Perhaps Ryan Keur [President; Daytona Tortugas]? Perhaps your trio of owners? Maybe even you? If you guys need placards displaying your displeasure, I have contacts with may graphic designers all over the country. Last summer in Fayetteville, NC, I helped a local shop design one of the greatest t-shirts ever to grace the minors, the now famous “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” shirt. 

I certainly hope your organization is planning on making a large appearance as the STRUGGLE IS NOW. Maybe we can have a beer or fifteen together, but I cannot make any promises as I am pretty high in demand, and so many other minor league executives are going to want to have their picture taken with me to put on their family holiday cards. At the very least, we should be able to disrupt traffic together, at least until the San Diego police break out the water cannons. I need to make sure my fantasy football lineups are set by then because the playoffs start next week, and minor league road trips do to pay for themselves. 

Anyway, I am sure we will converse much more in the upcoming weeks as we are united in our struggle. SOLIDARITY!

Your friend in baseball,


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