I Teach MiLB Owners How to Fight Back

Dear Minor League Baseball Owners [All of Them]:

Greetings from minor league baseball’s most ardent ambassador! Many of you know me, some rather intimately, others are firm acquaintances, and some of you are just ships that passed in the night. For those of you have have not had the pleasure of knowing about me, well, you soon will because once the dust settles and clears, I will be the person who saved minor league baseball from the usurpers in Major League Baseball. 

Let’s just cut to the chase here. I should not have to remind you that there are 160 affiliated minor league organizations and only thirty MLB organizations. You vastly outnumber those arrogant pricks, and you could certainly use those numbers to your advantage if you were to embrace a united front. Just think if General Custer had those numbers.

The MLB owners think that you will retreat to preserve your self interests because that is what minor league tribes have done in the past. However, they need you more than you need them. What if all the minor league organizations not owned by MLB clubs said, “Sorry, MLB, you can no longer play in our stadiums. Guess you will have to find another venue. There might be some community colleges with open fields in 2012, but good luck getting a liquor license.”

That is right, good sirs. Lock those fucking bastards right out of your park. Almost all of you or the city in which you do business has control of the stadiums, not those carpet baggers. This means not only do you control those markets, but they have to respect your territorial rights. Where are they going to find markets in which to develop their prospects? Terre Haute, Indiana? The Netherlands? Their spring training parks which are absolutely miserable in the summer?

Are you not tired of their arrogance? After all, you are all very wealthy individuals who have made your own fortunes. Why should you continue to eat the shit sandwiches they keep serving you? Rabbit punch the bully in the nose. After all, those clowns are not as united as they claim to be? They never have been about anything, but especially this. Do really thing the Yankees want to develop talent the Astros’ way? The New York Yankees with their twenty-seven championships compared to the one Astros’ championship, which is now tarnished because of rampant cheating? Do you think all clubs really want the draft shortened because some hungover stat heads do not enjoy sitting through the later rounds of the draft? Push back, and that imaginary alliance will collapse faster than a late summer Duck Dynasty promotion at San Manuel Stadium that does not have Willie. 

Oh sure, you will be throwing a nice size rock into a hornet’s nest, and they will rage, howl, and make threats, and that is when you punch them in the nuts with your second haymaker. Announce your own developmental league starting in 2021 that will be a partnership with organizations like Perfect Game USA. You might be asking yourself right now where the bulk of these players will be coming from, and the answer is simple: from the draft you will implant the day after the College World Series ends while MLB is left holding their cocks waiting for an August draft. Sign these draftees to multi year deals with salaries and bonuses higher than the current MiLB pay scale, and boom, MLB no longer has complete control over their talent pool. Sell the blue chip prospects to MLB in a few years at inflated prices to recoup your expenses. 

Just the threat of this will disintegrate any illusion that might remain that the MLB owners are united about this war on the minor leagues. The best part about this is the just the threat of this will have them squirming. Look, they think they can just crush you and roll into their next struggle with the MLBPA. Very few owners are going to want a protracted struggle with their minor league affiliates going into that, especially one that is extremely disruptive to their status quo. Most do not really want to fight you; some arrogant analysts made some promises that just cannot be kept. Do you really think that most owners think the Baltimore Orioles are a voice of reason in this? Hell no. Most teams will relish the fact that certain recently disgraced organizations stepped in even more dog poo. 

You also need to embark on guerrilla warfare campaign, and the best way to do that is through merchandising. Actively attack MLB and Herr Manfred with T-shirts with pithy slogans like, “I Miss Bud”, “Harpoon the Bloat”, “Don’t Steal My Signs, Bro!”, and “Why Won’t Baby Jesus Save the Snowmen?” (that last one is not really baseball related, but it will move a great deal of shirts). Every night at every park an image of Robert Manfred should be displayed on the video scoreboard so fans in attendance can shout derision. “Bobby Booby” fans can call him.

You should also organize protests at the winter meetings in San Diego next month. Security might be tight at the Hilton San Diego Bayfront, but they will not be prepared for a surge of savages that crush the front door. You should recruit lower rung employees, fans, and hobos to picket the place — maybe some prostitutes and sailors also to bring some class to the joint. 

It is time to hit back, and hit back hard. You probably want me at the negotiating table because not only do I have a razor sharp tongue, I possess the level of gorgeousness that makes the powerful whimper  because they know this type of beauty just cannot be purchased, plus I am really fun at post-bargaining parties. 

SOLIDARITY! Down with Bobby Booby!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85