Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:
Sorry it has been a while since we last corresponded, but as you are most certainly aware, Major League Baseball has declared war on our lifestyle, so my expert opinion in all matters of the minor leagues has been in great demand. I have been juggling my war hammer, my diplomat hat, and my peace pipe as the drums of discontent and the shrieks of fear fill the air. Who would have though that last summer would be the last of idyllic innocence?
We will march forward into uncertainly, armed with the knowledge that mayhem is ultimately our ally. I am sure we can begin discussing strategies to hold this affront at bay at the Inland Empire 66ers Season Ticket Holder World Series Watch Party at San Manuel Stadium. Speaking of season tickets, I received my invoice for my 2020 tickets, and did prices increase, say like by 50 bucks? I mean, that is still the best deal in the California League unless I want to drive to the moonscape of Lancaster (my same seats would cost $300 more in San Jose), but am I losing my mind?
But I digress. does anyone know how David Elmore is holding up during this attack from Major League Baseball? Five of his organizations could be in the scope, with even the California League drawing a reduction, or worse, Fresno and all their damn taco trucks placed in the High A ball. Now I love a good taco truck as much as anyone with a lick of sense, but I do not need fleets of them choking traffic as the citizens of the city worship next to their wheel wells. Down here in Burrito Land, we think of tacos as appetizers.
Maybe we can cheer up Mr. Elmore by promising he can play Emperor Palpatine at Star Wars Night next year while GM Joe dons a Rylo Ken outfit. I am not sure Joe has the hair to pull off Rylo though. Perhaps we should fly in Tom Baxter [Fundraising and Community Engagement Manager; Hartford Yard Goats] since he has the most magnificent hair in the minors to stand in for Adam Driver. Did you Tom started his profession career in the 66ers front office way back when Joe was running the concession stands at San Manuel Stadium? Imagine those two young legends working side by side.
Or perhaps we should convince Mr. Elmore that this is the time to finally get that new stadium built in Bakersfield to strengthen the Cal League. I am sure he is still giddy with the new stadium in Amarillo even as MLB encroaches on his assets. If he is concentrating his effort there, we can get down to some real outlaw stuff in The Dino, say like a 66ers bird feeder night. Nothing says reckless abandon like red robins in one’s backyard perching on the like likeness of Bernie, having a decadent feast. Specking of which, a little birdie told me that Beer Jerseys are going to be the rage this upcoming season, so you might want to tell Anna Forslin [Promotional Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] to get on that right away.
Hey, do you think maybe the concessions stands at San Manuel Stadium serve some quality brown mustard this season? Let’s quit acting like Philistines with all this dam yellow mustard; a quality dog deserves a good mustard. I am sure that some of our season ticket base will try to drink the brown mustard through a straw, but Ryan Liptrot [Director of Food and Beverage; Inland Empire 66ers] can certainly come up with solution once he is certain San Manuel Stadium never runs out of Fireball.
What should I wear to the World Series viewing party? I am pulling for the blimp to crash into the stadium, and there just is not too many sports merchandise companies that have the true courage to make those type of statements.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: I stil covet a 2019 California League All Star polo.