Dear Jim Jaworski {General Manager; Daytona Tortugas]:
Great news! I received a missive from your organization that the Tortuga gear that I purchased yesterday has shipped. Barring a fiery US Postal accident, my hoodie and t-shirt should be here for the massive expected ports next week in San Diego at baseball’s winter meeting. While you have not had the opportunity to respond to my inquiry, I would like to think that you made things happen. It seems to me that you do not have a Director of Merchandising, so perhaps you had to light a fire under the ass of Paul Krenzer [Director of Ticket Operations] to get my packages in the mail. Thank you for you immediate concern in regards to my request. I am not too proud to admit I felt I slight stirring when I saw my packages were on the way.
Since you appear to be lacking a Director of Merchandise, please allow me to share some of my expertise in this matter since I am wizened minor league veteran who has spent small countries’ Gross Domestic Products in teams store around the circuit. You should really be printing #StandWithTheJack t-shirts with a picture of Jackie Robinson Stadium Ballpark at center mast. Send Max Furbee [Tickets Sales Executive ] and Trevor Fay [Community Relations and Outside Events Manager] to the SEC Championship game in Atlanta this week to distribute the shirts so your plight is recognized outside of the state of Florida. I am sure Max and Trevor really do not have anything planned for the weekend, so a long road trip would certainly be an educational experience that will make them better employees in the long run.
Also, you should ship me about twenty of these shirts so I can distribute them at Jackie Robinson Stadium at UCLA baseball’s home opener in a couple of months. You probably do not know this, but I put the Down East Wood Ducks on the map in Southern California. I am even the president on the Southern California Wood Ducks Backers Association, Sons of Vengeance Chapter. We have all sorts of cool parties. Since I am a giver, I would gladly spread the word of your plight at major sporting events and attractions in the area. Imagine #StandWithTheJack at the Rose Bowl, Disneyland, and the Sunset Strip. Maybe Motley Crue will wear the shirts on their next reunion tour.
Make sure you have your city and team name on the shirt. Did you see the rookie mistake one of your compatriots in the FSL made today with their rebranding? Not one male shirt has Fort Myers any where on it. No one is going to know what the hell that is all about; they are just going to see a Brandiose logo of what looks like a roided infant sticking his determined face out of a purple vagina. In this glorious time of Baby Yoda sipping his steaming drink memes, the Mighty Mussels are quite frightening unnamed apparitions.
I have another suggestion if this contraction this is not resolved soon. You know how MLB is having that cheesy Field of Dreams game in Iowa this summer? Imagine if tens of thousands of minor league fans walked out of the cornfield to protest the game? Boobie Bob would shit his pants. I am pretty sure the logistics would not that be hard to overcome, other than the sleeping arrangements.
I need to go for now. Thanks again for your staff promptly mailing my purchase. #StandWithTheJack
Your friend in baseball,
Bads85
Dead Religions 