Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
Congratulations on being named the 2019 Carolina League Calvin Falwell Executive of the Year. This will almost certainly allow you to move forward after losing out to the Udder Tuggers in the Golden Bobbleheads earlier this offseason. I do not think it is a coincidence that you received this prestigious award shortly after we started exchanging missives (well, you have not responded to me yet, but I would say we are well on our way to bonding). I certainly had nothing to do with your winning; your hard work and shrewd insight was what that was all about. I just sort of bring good fortune into people’s lives, like a good minor league ambassador should.
My compatriot Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66es] was awarded the 2019 California League Executive of the Year Award also, his second in three years. He does have the advantage of me being around though, which is an immeasurable help. For example, once this year on a Thirsty Thursday, the world famous bar on the visitor’s dugout was out of Fireball, and there was a delay in replenishing this wonderful juice, so I texted “CODE RED! OUT OF FIREBALL!” to certain front office executives, and the situation was immediately remedied. The booze was flowing and the cash registers were ringing once again because of my problem solving skills. It is just the way I roll.
Did you know that Chris Kemple [former General Manager; Wilmington Blue Rocks] won the award fives time? He was a minor league deity even before he created Mr. Celery through lifting an idea from the Lake Elsinore Storm at an all star game. Just think, you have earned the same award as the legend who created Mr. Celery. That is pretty heady stuff. You know what you have over Mr. Kemple? He never had quite had the gorgeous hair you do. No one can take that away from you but old age.
I see you have a Putt Putt charity event coming up. The Carolina League West Coast Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter, want to enter a team. We used to just be the Down East Ducks West Coast Backers, but since I am the Dictator For Life of this chapter, I made an executive decision to expand to the entire league (except for the Winston-Salem Dash and their overtly phallic team logo) after hanging out with certain Carolina League executives this summer. I did not hang out with you because there is no high speed rail to Myrtle Beach.
But I digress; we really want to enter a team. However, we have some logistical issues. For starters, we are going to be in Mexicali that weekend for our Mexicano Liga Del Pacifico pilgrimage (well, I hope so — getting these guys to go anywhere together beyond San Manuel Stadium is like herding wet cats). Since we cannot be there, we need someone to play in our place —someone respectable, not some beach winos who sleep under the boardwalk. No transplanted Chicago Democrats with a Kennedy complex either. Our fill-ins would have to be willing to wear our full uniforms also, including the capes. I was thinking you could use your tremendous local pull to reach out to the city council and get them to play as us, but then I just looked that their pictures, and Holy Hot Dog Stand, let’s try to get some first responders instead.
Secondly, you probably should be open for some marketing advice. Dude, the Pelicans’ team logo needs to be on the golf balls both on the social media ads and the real balls at the tournament. This is Minor League Baseball 101. Just get one of your ticket reps to rub decals on the tournament balls and have your social media expert photoshop a logo onto whatever you are using in the online ads. And whatever you do, NO BLUE BALLS! Carolina League West Coast Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter cannot have their name associated with something that appears a bit fly by night.
I must say though, the Carolina League West Coast Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter is very impressed with your Pelicans’ Fund, which does outstanding work. Our club motto is “Come for the beer specials, stay for the charities, and always give back to the community!”, which is as you probably know, something that should be tattooed to the soul of every minor league veteran.
The hour grows late here, so I did you adieu for now.
Your friend in baseball,
Bads85
PS: What do you mean by “Light Snacks”? And will there be Pelicans’ Putting for Purpose bling for purchase?
Dead Religions 