Dead Religions

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds}:

I hope you had a wonderful holiday weekend. I did because my Norwich Sea Unicorns hat arrived on Saturday. I ordered it on National Hat Day last Wednesday. I also ordered at Eugene Emeralds Sasquatch hat that day hours before the Norwich hat, and it has yet to arrive, although Norwich is 2,886.7 miles from my house, and your front office is just 919.3 miles away. The difference is your organization shipped by the US Postal Service while the courageous Sea Unicorns shipped by UPS.

Being an amiable fellow, this does not bother me because I know your organization cannot control the Postal Service, but I did wear my Sea Unicorns hat in my golf match yesterday, and I was victorious, so I will be wearing that in matches in the near future instead of my Ems’ Sasquatch hat. I used to wear a Fayetteville Woodpecker’s hat when I girded my loins for mortal combat on the links, but I can no longer wear that hat in good faith after the Astros’ constant embarrassments since last fall. After all, I have a reputation to uphold.

Did you know the California Winter League starts this week? It is one of the lowest rungs on the minor league ladder — a league in Palm Springs that is a tryout for the independent leagues. They sell beer though, so it gets my peeps and me over the last hump of winter. If my Ems hat makes it this week, I will proudly wear it to give you guys some free advertising out there. The games start at ten in the morning, which means Breakfast Beers. After all, you cannot drink all day if you do not get an early start.

I am assuming your organization is not going to go forward with the Garrison Lassiter Night. Perhaps that is best because that trigger happy, litigious young soul might try to sue your organization. Or worse, he might show up at the facilities in cleats, demanding a tryout. He should have tried out for the California Winter League as Palm Springs is splendid this time of year. The Bass Boat Regatta is still on though, right? Because that is a brilliant promotion, and probably warrants a commemorative t-shit.

Are there any exciting improvement scheduled for PK Park this season? Social gathering areas in stadiums are the new trend these days, as I am sure you have heard in all the professional symposiums you attend. Having a place to drink Fireball with Sasquatch would be a great photo op for fans, and boost the Ems’ presence on social media. Be sure you do not Sasquatch drink actual shots though because Big Foot dying of alcohol poisoning would be terrible PR.

Hey, I just received an email notifying me that my Emeralds’ hat is out for delivery, and should be at my house no later than 7:30 PM. Imagine the excitement I feel right now. It’s like Christmas on January 21^st!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds}:

I am assuming you have traveled to Cubs Con 2020 this weekend. Perhaps you will run into the Myrtle Beach Pelicans contingent while you are there. If so, please send them my warmest regards, especially Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]. I would not be so presumptuous to think my name would come up in conversation, but it you could take a picture with the Pelicans’ gang, I would be greatly appreciative, especially if Hunter is wearing his burgundy pants.

Do you ever go to the Cactus League? I have been trying to get Joe Hudson {General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] to get the Elmore Sports Mafia to have a leadership conference out there every spring, but I think Joe is afraid what the desert air will do to his magnificent skin. Since your organization is also part of the Elmore group, perhaps you could take point on this venture. Maybe your group could casually bump into our group at a game, and we would invite you over to our house to show you what the Cactus League is truly about, plus we can brainstorm promotion and anti-contraction strategies. Be wary of wearing Cubs’ gear though. Some of the old timers in my group were know to hog tie Cubs’ fans on the hood of their truck and cruise the mean streets of Scottsdale.

My crack research team has informed me that you are a Banana Slug. I am almost positive I did some post graduate online work through that institution, so I guess that means we are fellow alumni. Since we are fellow alumni, perhaps you could give me some inside details on the Ems’ 2020 promotion schedule so I can plan my possible trip to Eugene accordingly. After all, I do not want to arrive for “Hello Kitty Pajama Night.” In case you have not figured it out, I do not exactly excel in Family Fun environments. I prefer promotions like “Drink Through Your Retina Night”. 

Did you know the Down East Wood Ducks are releasing their 2020 Promotion Schedule next week? You might want to tell the Pelicans that to motivate them. You should tell them about our Bass Boat Regatta too.

Anyway, the rain has started here in Southern California, so I am going to call it an early night because I have a feeling the weekend is going to start early tomorrow. If you get in trouble in Chicago and need someone to post bail, contact me as I know a couple of guys in the business.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

I vote for Batch in the Kinston Collards Greens mascot vote every single day, sometimes twice because as you well know, I am committed to success. Batch is the type of nickname you want the dude in the front passenger seat on a late night road trip to Las Vegas. Batch is not going to doze off somewhere just before Baker, California. Batch is going to get you through the night to the bright lights. I am glad you decided to take my trip to Vegas to raise money for the new scoreboard seriously. I think we can cover the cost with Super Bowl proposition bets (let it al ride on Demi Lavato’s National Anthem rendition going under), plus make a serious run on the tables for own own personal finances. Perhaps we should bring Mayor Don Hardy with us. At the very least, we can get some compromising pictures of him that you can use at a later date.

Has the mayor ever mentioned my missives? I have written to him about the scoreboard — tactfully, of course. “A new scoreboard will bring a sense of virility to Kinston. Both visitors and citizens will look upon it and say, “Oh my; it is so big! And erect. It stretches to the clouds!” I ask you Mayor Hardy, can one really put a price tag on that? The answer is a resounding yes because the Scoreboard Fairy is not flying over the tobacco fields anytime soon to deliver a scorecard to your city. Acquisitions of scoreboards require firm leadership from city government, and since you are the BIG DAWG in Kinston, well, it is time to don your big boy pants to make a new scoreboard happen.” I also suggested to him a hotel tax to pay for the scoreboard, yet received no response.

I see your promotion schedule is coming out next week, which reminds me I need to start making reservations for the annual Cactus League trips. Do you ever get out to Surprise? My raucous group certainly does. We are called the Jackalopes, and I do believe you are Jackalope material, Wade. I have a promotion suggestion for you though — Jose Altuve Buzzer Night! The first 1000 fans through the gates of Historic Grainger Stadium get old garage door openers when the ‘Peckers first come to town, much like what Jose had taped to his chest when he was cheating (allegedly).

Hey, speaking of mascot names, did you see the Kannapolis Cannon Ballers lazily named their mascot Boomer? Hello, marketing people, do you live under a rock? Way to slap a label of derision on your shiny new mascot. He could have been something special, but now he is headed for the Island of Misfit Toys. And to think I purchased Cannon Baller merchandise this offseason (their customer service was excellent though). Not Amanda McClain excellent, but damn good.

Anyway, I have miles to go before I sleep, and a storm is coming in. A hard rain might fall tonight. Be well.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

It has been while since we have conversed as I am sure you have been as busy as I have. I did see you on WITN about the temporary scoreboard solution, and my first thought was, “Wade has been hitting the gym! Look at those guns hidden underneath that grey hoodie!” My second thought was how you can parlay that $90,000 from the city for repairs into a tidy sum large enough to build the scoreboard of the Wood Ducks’ dreams. It is rather simple: LAS VEGAS! They give money away there! One hot night at the tables, and you will have a scoreboard so big and bright the crickets will think it is day.

I know you are thinking, “Bads85, that is a terrible idea. Just terrible.” Normally, I would agree with you but, I would hook you up with my high school buddy, Fast Eddie, who never loses. Even the three years he spent in a Nicaraguan prison for knifing a guy in a fight were a win because of the spiritual growth he experienced. The two of you would absolutely own a craps table. ROLL THE BONES!  

You guys can wear the new promo shirts the Southern California Down East Wood Ducks Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter are designing: “Don’t Steal My Signs, Bro!” These should be  big hit around the Carolina League when Salem or the ‘Peckers come to town, but first, VEGAS! Fast Eddie is a slave e to fashion, so if he is wearing the shirt, you guys will be looking good. He has a World War I leather fighter pilot helmet he wears for special occasions. He once wore it to San Manuel Stadium for Faith and Family Night and embarked on a human strafing run of a church group. The 66ers were giving away World Cup soccer scarves that night that meshed well with the helmet. I must say, he did resemble the Great Waldo Pepper that evening. You guys will have a blast in Vegas.

I am sure you have probably heard, but the Eugene Emeralds have invited me to their stadium this summer to throw out a first pitch and to participate willingly in pre-game interview. They are pretty big fans of mine, but you know how that is. I am helping them organize a Bass Boat Regatta because the minor league circuit needs better tailgates, but Eugene is landlocked. We are going to flood PK Park with outdoorsmen that night. I am still surprised they are going to trust me with a live mic because of the savage in me. I am planning on wearing my Avocados Luchadores de Down East shirt to the game that night unless another organization gives me hard cash to wear theirs. 

I see the Collard Greens will have a name for their mascot very soon. He will always be Bad Bart to me, but I will accept the results of democracy. The Songs of Vengeance Chapter is anxiously awaiting new Collard Green merchandise to wear as we walk down the mean streets of the Inland Empire. As you know, looking cool is a full time job.

Did I tell you my motto for the 2020 season? “Promise me you won’t forget the nights that haven’t happened yet.” Everyone in the minors involved in promotions should have that tattooed to their souls. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds}:

Thank you for your response to my missive. Occasionally, general managers of certain organizations will remain silent and also place gag orders on their staff to not respond to my inquiries. One went as far as to send parking lot goons to greet me after I used their first base restroom a few hours before game time. The side gates of the stadium were open, and I had been on the road for a while, so like any other wizened minor league veteran, I used the very clean facilities. The fact that this person no longer works in minor league baseball is strong evidence that the baseball gods agreed with me.

The Myrtle Beach Pelicans have never formally responded to me (although Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] chirped at me on Twitter about a perceived slight when describing his rigid holiday decoration schedule), so I am not sure how your compatriot Ryan Moore really feels about my efforts to reach to assist his organization. There are two types of organizations in the minors; the one who have lost a Golden Bobblehead to the entity known the Udder Tuggers, and those who have not. Those in the first category need hard reflection to get back on track, usually with the guidance of a neutral outside source. As a minor league ambassador and a giver, I am there for both groups, but I can only help those who are receptive.

But I digress. Garrison Lassiter Night will not plan itself. In your response, you mention the specter of failure. Allan, there is no room for failure on the minor league circuit. No promotion should fail as long as the proper tenets of promotion planning are followed:

1. Defined purpose
2. Diligent research
3. Obtaining a generous sponsor
4. Targeted, consistent marketing
5. Precise execution
6. Killer playlist
7. Charismatic voice on the mic in case something goes awry.

Every seventh grader at Cesar E. Chavez Middle School in San Bernardino knows this before they attend Education Day at San Manuel Stadium, the holiest of all educational field trips.

The purpose of Garrison Lassiter Night is to create national attention, which is why it is imperative to announce the promotion quickly before this clown Lassiter drops off the radar forever (the secondary goal is show the Myrtle Beach Pelicans the folly of ignoring my suggestions). This alone is not going to be a large gate draw, which is why we are going to couple it with something else. However, if your organization strikes quickly, this will create a January buzz as the baseball world trudges to the opening of Spring Training. People will be talking about the Ems instead of some broken pitcher that signs a minor league deal with a MLB club.

I had initially suggested to Hunter that this should be a bobblehead night with Lassiter getting blocked by Derek Jeter, but bobbleheads might not fit the Ems’ budget, plus no one is going to believe that Jeter had the range to beat anyone to a ball. I also suggested that Lassiter be invited to the game for a tail gate at a local yacht club, followed by a parade to the game, then Lassiter would be presented a gift basket after throwing out the first pitch, then Hunter would a list of insane grievances from the fans. Prizes would be awarded for the most absurd claims.

Obviously, there are some logistic problems with that in Eugene. Lassiter’s airfare alone is not worth it, so perhaps we can have a Lassiter stand in – maybe your “model” Kaczynski Jr. The fact that Eugene is about sixty miles from the coast is a hindrance to the yacht club tailgate, but I am a man of solutions, Allan. Rather than luxury yachts, we will have bass boat tailgate party. Yes, that is right, the Eugene Emeralds are going to host the first annual Bass Boat Regatta. Every outdoorsman who brings his fishing boat to PK gets a discounted ticket to the game. If your organization does not have a corporate sponsorship with Cabela’s, you better get Pat Zajac [Director of Partnerships and Promotions] on this right away to secure sponsorship for this special night, and maybe Cabela’s will even purchase some signage on the outfield wall. 

Cabela’s will advertise the holy hell out of our night, maybe even pay for the bobbleheads, but if that is the case, we are not doing any lame Garrison Lassiter bobblehead; we are putting Sasquatch on a jet ski. We will still do the gift basket idea though. I am sure you can work something out with the university in which the regatta can use the football stadium parking, and after everyone at the tailgate has a healthy share of booze, there will be a parade to the stadium, led by a waving Sasquatch. Remember, Allan, kids love a parade and Big Foot (and dinosaurs).

I know this is heady stuff, and further details need to be ironed out, but the first step in to announce Garrison Lassiter Night immediately before the Clinton LumberKings or the Hartford Yard Goats do. We do not need details for a press announcement, just a couple blurbs you can feed to Ben Hill and MiLB Promos, and this goes viral. From there, the Emeralds start building a national brand, and the demand for Ems’ merchandise will climb, especially if you clean up your model page a bit. 

We can talk more about that project later, but rest assured my comments about the your “models” on your men’s apparel are not a reflection of the lifestyle of the fine citizens of Eugene (I am sure they are not really killers since the one guy is wearing a Civic Stadium shirt, and they had a game of catch shortly after the picture was taken, but APPEARANCES matter). I would never think of disparaging the culture of the Pacific Northwest, but if we are to sell merchandise all over this planet, well, we cannot have a CABIN FEVER look. If the Rocket City Trash Pandas can move two million dollars worth of merchandise, your organization should be able to get Larry in Monroe, Louisiana to purchase some golf polos.

Thank you for the invitation to come to Eugene to throw out a first pitch and a pre-game interview. I must warn you I am a bit of a live wire with a mic in my hands. I will have to check my summer schedule as I was planning on returning to the Eastern League this season, but then I found out that Dunkin Donuts Park in Hartford allows no peanuts in their stadium, which is rather disturbing, plus the good folks in Salem and the Tri-Cities will probably need my assistance with their contraction battle, so maybe a return to the Northwest League is in oder, especially if I can hang out with you in the Summit Bank Suite Level while toasting the Elmore Sports Mafia with Fireball and Rumchata like real minor league executives do.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Good day, sir. I write to you during these troubled times of minor league contraction as a minor league ambassador to share a great idea for a promotion: Garrison Lassiter Night. I am sure by now you have heard of this gentlemen who sued to Yankees for allowing Derek Jeter to block his career. Stunts like this should be immortalized in the minor league for one summer night because raising a toast to train wrecks belching toxic plumes in the mountain pass are a poignant reminder that we are all one failed promotion away from a new career in retail — well, except for me because I am spiritually wealthy with skill sets that allow for a great deal of forgiveness. 

I pitched this idea to Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans], but he has uncharacteristically not responded, probably because he is too busy making sure everyone in his area has taken down their holiday decorations in a timely manner. I would pitch the idea to Anna Forslin [Promotions Manager; Inland Empire 66ers], but I think she is still a little bit intimidated by my fame in the California League (I was a celebrity judge for a burrito truck throw down, which is a pretty big deal in the Inland Empire, as you well know since you cut your teeth at Lake Elsinore). Our paths probably crossed back then, and I apologize that I never made the effort to initiate a conversation, but I was busy saving rock n’ roll. 

I took in a Northwest League opener at PK Park circa 2016. It was the last baseball game I watched with my acquaintance Bongwater, who was already well on his way to dropping out of society, and probably on the run from the Feds. He was living in Astoria then, and he met us on a misty night before he slipped over the Canadian border, perhaps for good. As you can imagine, PK Park has a special place in my baseball annals. I hope to get back there soon, but a minor league vagabond is never certain which horizon will gently call next. 

2016 was the year you deservedly received the Northwest League Executive of the Year. I do not think it is a coincidence that you won the year I visited your stadium though, even though I had nothing to do with your admirable efforts. Good things just seem to happen to organizations who show me  good time because of my tight relationship with the baseball gods. Joe Hudson [General Manager. Inland Empire 66ers] was been awarded to the California League Executive of the Year twice in the last three years, which is about the time I started writing his front office.

Since I just gave you a Golden Bobblehead nomination with the Garrison Lassiter Night idea, perhaps you can do me a favor in return. I would like to purchase some Emeralds’ attire, but nothing in your online team store appears to have “Eugene” on it. I travel all over the country to visit minor league parks, wearing shirts from other organizations as conversation starters. After all, minor league shirts are tattoos on our souls. It saves me a great deal of time when the organization’s home city is on the shirt so I do not have to explain to Drunk Betty in Fayetteville that the Emeralds’ play in Eugene, not in Columbia, South Carolina. This might seem like a very little thing, but when you talk to as many people as I do, it cuts into the sharing of oral tradition. If you could suggest to your merchandise people to design some gear with “Eugene” emblazoned on it, I would be forever grateful. 

Since I am a giver, here is another suggestion. Your two “models” on the men’s apparel page look like a Father/Son Unabomber combination. I know that look is fashionable up there, but this is the year 2020, and minor league marketing is nationwide. The Missoula PaddleHeads are selling stuff across the country via the friendly Amazon Delivery Dude as are the Kannapolis Cannon Ballers and the Wichita Wind Surge. Trust me, Papa and Jr. Kaczynski are not on their team shop page. I am sure these two gentlemen are fine, outstanding citizens of Eugene, and I am not the shallow type to judge by appearance, but Clara in Orange County is not buying her husband an Ems’ jersey when she sees those two. Perhaps you should have a gentleman who looks more like Benedict Cumberbatch modeling that apparel. 

Anyway, I am sure will be discussing all things minor league baseball in the future, so I am going to cut this short. Garrison Lassiter Night. Make it happen!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

As you well know, life in the minors comes at one at breakneck speed. One day, a minor league executive is just posting pictures of burgundy pants on Twitter instead of being one hundred percent committed to the development of the promotion schedule, and the next day the skies open, and the baseball gods drop the opportunity for the promotion of the decade into the laps of the alert. Well, today, the baseball gods gave us the gift of Garrison Lassiter, the former Yankee washout who tried to sue the Yankees for thirty four million dollars because Derek Jeter recognized he was a threat to Jeter’s spot in the lineup and sabotaged his career as a result. Obviously, the Pelicans should have a Garrison Lassiter Night because that type of chutzpa is what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they declared war against King George III.

Obviously, this warrants a bobblehead, complete with Derek Jeter stepping in front of Lassiter, but this night is really about celebrating the proletariat. Here is a brave soul who faced the oppression of the Evil Empire known as the New York Yankees, and was brave enough to file the paperwork so the case could be dismissed without prejudice, which certainly had to be a moral victory for courageous Lassiter. Without that victory, he might not have had the courage to recently sue the Cincinnati Reds for ageism for failing to offer him a tryout. Since it is a night for the working class, drink specials are an imperative. — but not fruity drinks. This is a beer and whiskey night. Maybe tequila. Maybe some lemon drop shots for those who feel romantic.

I feel we should invite Garrison to the big night. He is a Carolina boy (albeit North Carolina), so maybe he can just hop in his cat to drive to TicketReturn.com Field at Pelicans’ Field for the festivities. What is up with that long name your stadium has? That is some Arte Moreno stuff. How close is your stadium to a yacht club? Perhaps the tailgate of the night can be there. I was helping Taylor McCarthy [former General Manager; Stockton Ports] organize a yacht party for the 2020 California All Star League game, but since he took a job in the hinterlands of New Hampshire, those plans are in limbo. A Pelicans’ yacht party would make for some great photo ops. 

After the tailgate, perhaps a parade to the stadium is in order, with a smiling Garrison waving to the cheering masses. Once we get him to the stadium, he can throw out the first pitch and nail Splash for shits and giggles, then you can present to him a Derek Jeter gift basket and your pyro dude can lunch some pre-game fireworks. We can send Garrison back to his hotel at that point, and I will retire to a luxury suite to watch you read complaints submitted by those in attendance about the bastards in their lives that blocked their true destiny. After the game, maybe we can go out and get some wings and nachos. And big pitchers of beer.

The key is to move fast on this. This is one of those promotions in which the first organization to announce it wins. Those guys in Eugene seem like the type that might be on this. You do not want to get beat by them as you will never hear the end of it. We can fill in the details later — maybe add a celebrity guest or something. We probably should design some commemorative t-shirts for this. I do not think Garrison Lassiter Night really warrants polos. 

I am going to trust you with the playlist for this event. This is a big responsibility that I normally do not delegate, but I feel you have shown that this is right in your wheelhouse. I would suggest Roberta Fleck’s “Killing Me Softly with His Song” to be one the playlist at some point.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

I noticed you were fortunate enough to wear burgundy pants to work at this week. Oh, how I long to toil in a less stringent workplace like TicketReturn.com Field where I would not be sent home for wearing such nonconformist attire. I assume you were trolling me, and for that I tip my hat to you. I toyed with the idea of heading down to Forever 21 to pick up a pair as a tribute to you, but then I realized at my age I would probably be arrested for being a perv if I asked to use the dressing room. I also had an early afternoon tee time, so fashion just had to wait one more day for ol’ Bads85.

Hey, did I tell you I bought a Myrtle Beach Pelican golf polo? I am pretty sure I informed Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]. I wore it to play on New Year’s Day and snagged it on my golf bag. Do not worry; I am not looking for a refund as I should have known better to purchase a Nike shirt, plus my tailor said she could repair it. I had a record amount of three putts that day, so I told her to the her time. I imagine your organization has a great deal of golfers who visit your team shop, so you might want to pass this information onto Dan Bailey [Merchandise Manager] because not everyone is as mellow as me.

So what big promotions are we working on? I say “we” because I am unofficially offering my services to your organization until Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] has me sign a real contract, which could be very soon or drag on through summer depending how negotiations progress. I do not need any many monetary compensation for my services as I am spiritually wealthy, but if you wanted to send a Pelicans’ hat my way, I would wear it for photo opportunities. You have probably already deduced that I am the type of guy who appears in a tremendous amount of photos because people want a memento of the time they spend with me. 

But I digress. Perhaps the Pelicans should have a Thanksgiving in April Night. Everyone does Christmas in July, but Thanksgiving always gets the shaft on the minor league circuit. Maybe some one can put some Christmas lights atop a dugout, and you can rip them off, violently gesturing to the crowd while pontificating about the evils of putting up holiday decorations too soon. Maybe a drink special for the night would be shots of Fireball and Stroopwaffel liqueur — tastes just like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and everyone is getting loving that night drinking those. Of course, TicketReturn.com Field might not have a full liquor license since the Carolina League has some weird Blue Laws.

I am assuming your organization has mascot races in which Splash lets little kids win, promoting more of the participation culture that sap America of its vibrancy. More importantly, these races have become boring because the little curtain crawlers always win. Now we cannot change that because of society’s current norms, but we put a little excitement in the race, Allow Splash to carry a giant meat cleaver during the race, and you can yell on your microphone that if the child loses the race, he is losing a limb also. The terror in the child’s eyes will delight the crowd, and putting the parents’ faces on the big screen will evoke laughter as well. Obviously we cannot really do this because of LAWSUITS, plus it is pretty twisted and demented (very dark even), but seventy games of mascot races over the season puts some strange thoughts in the heads of minor league veterans.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Happy National Bobblehead Day! Cynics might think this is just another one of those fake holidays on the middle of winter, designed to sell mini pack plans, but you and I know better. This is the first precursor to spring training, meaning while we are still in the throes of winter, today is the first step to the Cactus League. Of course, GM Joe is still going to expect you to sell truckloads of ticket plans today, so their is probably no easing back into your work week after your honeymoon. Did you get to any winter league action in Puerto Rico? 

Things sure have been slow this past month with you gone, although Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] barked at me for calling him a Nazi. I think we are pretty tight now, but you never know with those Carolina League guys. I think his organization is still smarting from losing a Golden Bobblehead to something called the Udder Tuggers. I know if that happened to me, I would probably join the French Foreign Legion or something. Hunter is an Angels’ fan from Long Beach. I see the 66ers are not hiring at this time, so I guess Hunter is staying in Myrtle Beach for now.

Speaking of changing professions, did you hear Taylor McCarthy [General Manager, Stockton Ports] left the profession to take an athlete director’s position with the University of New 

Hampshire? He and I were planning the 2020 Cal League All Star Game tailgate parties and working on the design of the official All Star game polos, so his departure was rather jarring, It is is a crazy business, this minor league baseball with people coming and going all the time. But not you though, which is why we call you ”Rock”. He did mention to me how much he enjoyed drinking shots with you at the California League meetings, but he now has to worry about things like the women’s lacrosse budget making sure the janitors make the gym floor sparkle.

He is free of the Stockton homeless camps though. I wonder whatever became of George Bateman. I am sure one day we will all meet again, 

I am sure you have heard the 66ers have a new manager named Jack, which should make Anna Forslin [Promotions Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]’s much easier. I am sure is working hard on securing a corporate sponsorship with Jack in the Box restaurants so I have not sent her my swell ideas year, but I will share my t-shirt ideas with you: “That’s a fact, Jack!” with Skipper Santora’s image on the front, and “You Don’t Know Jack!” with Bernie’s image. Yes, I can hear those cash registers ringing too. 

Perhaps you could drum of some season ticket sales with promotions like “Shots with Jack!” in which season ticket holders get to stay after certain games to drink tequila with the manager. You better tell Ryan Liptrot [Director if Food and Beverage] to start stock up, as there can be no Code Reds with this promotion. Does Jack know what he is getting into though with San Bernardino? This ain’t Westwood or Monterey. The G Street Hobos are going to see him as FRESH MEAT. Maybe you and I should drive him around town and show him the ropes. We can take GM Joe for muscle, The 66ers have not had a charismatic manager since Denny Hocking ran for President in 2016; we do not want the means streets of Berdoo claiming him before his time.

Anyway, I have an early afternoon tee time. I know you will be slaving away at the office though, but I promise to woo the country club crowd with the tantalizing idea of bobblehead mini packs. I am going to tell them that improvements are in store for The Garage in terms of shade and drink selection because I am sure you guys are on that already. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Mr. Don Hardy [Mayor; Kinston, NC]:

As the president of the Southern California Down East Wood Ducks Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter, I write this missive to implore you to treat the scoreboard issue with the Wood Ducks with the utmost priority. The scoreboard at Historic Grainger Stadium is one of the first impressions visitors see when they come to your city. Quite frankly, Don, the scoreboard looks like ass, meaning the first impression many visitors receive of Kinston is ass. I am quite confident that you do not want visitors to have that impression because visions of ass last a long, long time. Do you want Mayor Mitch Colvin of Fayetteville to be able to continue to chuckle behind your back about the inadequacy of your city’s scoreboard?

A new scoreboard will bring a sense of virility to Kinston. Both visitors and citizens will look upon it and say, “Oh my; it is so big! And erect. It stretches to the clouds!” I ask you Mayor Hardy, can one really put a price tag on that? The answer is a resounding yes because the Scoreboard Fairy is not flying over the tobacco fields anytime soon to deliver a scorecard to your city. Acquisitions of scoreboards require firm leadership from city government, and since you are the BIG DAWG in Kinston, well, it is time to don your big boy pants to make a new scoreboard happen.

I understand that expenditures like this are a swift punch in the gonads to a city budget (metaphorically speaking of course as city budgets are gender neutral). I am a staunch believer in public funds not being used for sports facilities, but the current scoreboard is ass, and needs an immediate improvement if Grainger Stadium is to be a draw that will fill those new hotel rooms in Kinston, which in turns will fill the city’s coffers. In a just world, the Texas Rangers, who own the Wood Ducks, would be footing the bill for this scoreboard, but Kinston is a long way from Arlington. Right now though, they have that contraction leverage, and could easily suggest the Wood Ducks be put on that list as they cut bait to pursue purchasing the Fire Frogs to move them to Wilmington, NC. The only recourse you will be in court, and you might want to research how that turned out for Adelanto, California. 

Do not fret, Mr. Mayor, because I have a possible solution that will not be a burden on the citizens of Kinston. Present to the city council a proposal in which a very small hotel surtax will be placed on the local hotels to pay for the scoreboard overtime, meaning out of towners and those in pursuit of immoral romantic trysts will be paying for the scoreboard. This will give you some leverage with the Rangers also as you can suggest to them some future stadium improvements  in which they cough up some of that sweet, sweet cash they possess — or you could suggest to the Rangers that they match your city’s scoreboard expenditures so Grainger Stadium can have a scoreboard so big and bright that the crickets will think it is day. That big scoreboard will draw all sorts of collegiate baseball tournaments and Perfect Game showcases to Kinston, which will fill those hotel beds and diners, and possibly punch your re-election ticket.

You might be wondering just who the hell I am, coming to you with this profound minor league wisdom, and that is a very long story, and I know you are a busy man. Let’s just say I am one of Minor League Baseball’s greatest ambassadors who travels from to town to town to savor that delicious taste of oral tradition. I even visited Grainger Stadium last summer on my travels and threw out a first pitch because I am kind of a big deal. I spent a fortune at the team shop, and I assume that sales tax went to the city, so let’s just say I now have a vested interest in this matter.

Make your city proud this evening, Mr. Mayor. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85