I Respond To Allan With Sasquatch on My Mind

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds}:

Thank you for your response to my missive. Occasionally, general managers of certain organizations will remain silent and also place gag orders on their staff to not respond to my inquiries. One went as far as to send parking lot goons to greet me after I used their first base restroom a few hours before game time. The side gates of the stadium were open, and I had been on the road for a while, so like any other wizened minor league veteran, I used the very clean facilities. The fact that this person no longer works in minor league baseball is strong evidence that the baseball gods agreed with me.

The Myrtle Beach Pelicans have never formally responded to me (although Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] chirped at me on Twitter about a perceived slight when describing his rigid holiday decoration schedule), so I am not sure how your compatriot Ryan Moore really feels about my efforts to reach to assist his organization. There are two types of organizations in the minors; the one who have lost a Golden Bobblehead to the entity known the Udder Tuggers, and those who have not. Those in the first category need hard reflection to get back on track, usually with the guidance of a neutral outside source. As a minor league ambassador and a giver, I am there for both groups, but I can only help those who are receptive.

But I digress. Garrison Lassiter Night will not plan itself. In your response, you mention the specter of failure. Allan, there is no room for failure on the minor league circuit. No promotion should fail as long as the proper tenets of promotion planning are followed:

  1. Defined purpose
  2. Diligent research
  3. Obtaining a generous sponsor
  4. Targeted, consistent marketing
  5. Precise execution
  6. Killer playlist
  7. Charismatic voice on the mic in case something goes awry.

Every seventh grader at Cesar E. Chavez Middle School in San Bernardino knows this before they attend Education Day at San Manuel Stadium, the holiest of all educational field trips.

The purpose of Garrison Lassiter Night is to create national attention, which is why it is imperative to announce the promotion quickly before this clown Lassiter drops off the radar forever (the secondary goal is show the Myrtle Beach Pelicans the folly of ignoring my suggestions). This alone is not going to be a large gate draw, which is why we are going to couple it with something else. However, if your organization strikes quickly, this will create a January buzz as the baseball world trudges to the opening of Spring Training. People will be talking about the Ems instead of some broken pitcher that signs a minor league deal with a MLB club.

I had initially suggested to Hunter that this should be a bobblehead night with Lassiter getting blocked by Derek Jeter, but bobbleheads might not fit the Ems’ budget, plus no one is going to believe that Jeter had the range to beat anyone to a ball. I also suggested that Lassiter be invited to the game for a tail gate at a local yacht club, followed by a parade to the game, then Lassiter would be presented a gift basket after throwing out the first pitch, then Hunter would a list of insane grievances from the fans. Prizes would be awarded for the most absurd claims.

Obviously, there are some logistic problems with that in Eugene. Lassiter’s airfare alone is not worth it, so perhaps we can have a Lassiter stand in – maybe your “model” Kaczynski Jr. The fact that Eugene is about sixty miles from the coast is a hindrance to the yacht club tailgate, but I am a man of solutions, Allan. Rather than luxury yachts, we will have bass boat tailgate party. Yes, that is right, the Eugene Emeralds are going to host the first annual Bass Boat Regatta. Every outdoorsman who brings his fishing boat to PK gets a discounted ticket to the game. If your organization does not have a corporate sponsorship with Cabela’s, you better get Pat Zajac [Director of Partnerships and Promotions] on this right away to secure sponsorship for this special night, and maybe Cabela’s will even purchase some signage on the outfield wall. 

Cabela’s will advertise the holy hell out of our night, maybe even pay for the bobbleheads, but if that is the case, we are not doing any lame Garrison Lassiter bobblehead; we are putting Sasquatch on a jet ski. We will still do the gift basket idea though. I am sure you can work something out with the university in which the regatta can use the football stadium parking, and after everyone at the tailgate has a healthy share of booze, there will be a parade to the stadium, led by a waving Sasquatch. Remember, Allan, kids love a parade and Big Foot (and dinosaurs).

I know this is heady stuff, and further details need to be ironed out, but the first step in to announce Garrison Lassiter Night immediately before the Clinton LumberKings or the Hartford Yard Goats do. We do not need details for a press announcement, just a couple blurbs you can feed to Ben Hill and MiLB Promos, and this goes viral. From there, the Emeralds start building a national brand, and the demand for Ems’ merchandise will climb, especially if you clean up your model page a bit. 

We can talk more about that project later, but rest assured my comments about the your “models” on your men’s apparel are not a reflection of the lifestyle of the fine citizens of Eugene (I am sure they are not really killers since the one guy is wearing a Civic Stadium shirt, and they had a game of catch shortly after the picture was taken, but APPEARANCES matter). I would never think of disparaging the culture of the Pacific Northwest, but if we are to sell merchandise all over this planet, well, we cannot have a CABIN FEVER look. If the Rocket City Trash Pandas can move two million dollars worth of merchandise, your organization should be able to get Larry in Monroe, Louisiana to purchase some golf polos.

Thank you for the invitation to come to Eugene to throw out a first pitch and a pre-game interview. I must warn you I am a bit of a live wire with a mic in my hands. I will have to check my summer schedule as I was planning on returning to the Eastern League this season, but then I found out that Dunkin Donuts Park in Hartford allows no peanuts in their stadium, which is rather disturbing, plus the good folks in Salem and the Tri-Cities will probably need my assistance with their contraction battle, so maybe a return to the Northwest League is in oder, especially if I can hang out with you in the Summit Bank Suite Level while toasting the Elmore Sports Mafia with Fireball and Rumchata like real minor league executives do.

Your friend in baseball,


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