I Inform Allan that the US Mail Is Slow

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds}:

I hope you had a wonderful holiday weekend. I did because my Norwich Sea Unicorns hat arrived on Saturday. I ordered it on National Hat Day last Wednesday. I also ordered at Eugene Emeralds Sasquatch hat that day hours before the Norwich hat, and it has yet to arrive, although Norwich is 2,886.7 miles from my house, and your front office is just 919.3 miles away. The difference is your organization shipped by the US Postal Service while the courageous Sea Unicorns shipped by UPS.

Being an amiable fellow, this does not bother me because I know your organization cannot control the Postal Service, but I did wear my Sea Unicorns hat in my golf match yesterday, and I was victorious, so I will be wearing that in matches in the near future instead of my Ems’ Sasquatch hat. I used to wear a Fayetteville Woodpecker’s hat when I girded my loins for mortal combat on the links, but I can no longer wear that hat in good faith after the Astros’ constant embarrassments since last fall. After all, I have a reputation to uphold.

Did you know the California Winter League starts this week? It is one of the lowest rungs on the minor league ladder — a league in Palm Springs that is a tryout for the independent leagues. They sell beer though, so it gets my peeps and me over the last hump of winter. If my Ems hat makes it this week, I will proudly wear it to give you guys some free advertising out there. The games start at ten in the morning, which means Breakfast Beers. After all, you cannot drink all day if you do not get an early start.

I am assuming your organization is not going to go forward with the Garrison Lassiter Night. Perhaps that is best because that trigger happy, litigious young soul might try to sue your organization. Or worse, he might show up at the facilities in cleats, demanding a tryout. He should have tried out for the California Winter League as Palm Springs is splendid this time of year. The Bass Boat Regatta is still on though, right? Because that is a brilliant promotion, and probably warrants a commemorative t-shit.

Are there any exciting improvement scheduled for PK Park this season? Social gathering areas in stadiums are the new trend these days, as I am sure you have heard in all the professional symposiums you attend. Having a place to drink Fireball with Sasquatch would be a great photo op for fans, and boost the Ems’ presence on social media. Be sure you do not Sasquatch drink actual shots though because Big Foot dying of alcohol poisoning would be terrible PR.

Hey, I just received an email notifying me that my Emeralds’ hat is out for delivery, and should be at my house no later than 7:30 PM. Imagine the excitement I feel right now. It’s like Christmas on January 21st!

Your friend in baseball,


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