I Respond to Hunter’s Message About Pants

Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

I noticed you were fortunate enough to wear burgundy pants to work at this week. Oh, how I long to toil in a less stringent workplace like TicketReturn.com Field where I would not be sent home for wearing such nonconformist attire. I assume you were trolling me, and for that I tip my hat to you. I toyed with the idea of heading down to Forever 21 to pick up a pair as a tribute to you, but then I realized at my age I would probably be arrested for being a perv if I asked to use the dressing room. I also had an early afternoon tee time, so fashion just had to wait one more day for ol’ Bads85.

Hey, did I tell you I bought a Myrtle Beach Pelican golf polo? I am pretty sure I informed Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]. I wore it to play on New Year’s Day and snagged it on my golf bag. Do not worry; I am not looking for a refund as I should have known better to purchase a Nike shirt, plus my tailor said she could repair it. I had a record amount of three putts that day, so I told her to the her time. I imagine your organization has a great deal of golfers who visit your team shop, so you might want to pass this information onto Dan Bailey [Merchandise Manager] because not everyone is as mellow as me.

So what big promotions are we working on? I say “we” because I am unofficially offering my services to your organization until Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] has me sign a real contract, which could be very soon or drag on through summer depending how negotiations progress. I do not need any many monetary compensation for my services as I am spiritually wealthy, but if you wanted to send a Pelicans’ hat my way, I would wear it for photo opportunities. You have probably already deduced that I am the type of guy who appears in a tremendous amount of photos because people want a memento of the time they spend with me. 

But I digress. Perhaps the Pelicans should have a Thanksgiving in April Night. Everyone does Christmas in July, but Thanksgiving always gets the shaft on the minor league circuit. Maybe some one can put some Christmas lights atop a dugout, and you can rip them off, violently gesturing to the crowd while pontificating about the evils of putting up holiday decorations too soon. Maybe a drink special for the night would be shots of Fireball and Stroopwaffel liqueur — tastes just like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and everyone is getting loving that night drinking those. Of course, TicketReturn.com Field might not have a full liquor license since the Carolina League has some weird Blue Laws.

I am assuming your organization has mascot races in which Splash lets little kids win, promoting more of the participation culture that sap America of its vibrancy. More importantly, these races have become boring because the little curtain crawlers always win. Now we cannot change that because of society’s current norms, but we put a little excitement in the race, Allow Splash to carry a giant meat cleaver during the race, and you can yell on your microphone that if the child loses the race, he is losing a limb also. The terror in the child’s eyes will delight the crowd, and putting the parents’ faces on the big screen will evoke laughter as well. Obviously we cannot really do this because of LAWSUITS, plus it is pretty twisted and demented (very dark even), but seventy games of mascot races over the season puts some strange thoughts in the heads of minor league veterans.

Your friend in baseball,


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