Garrison Lassiter Night

Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

As you well know, life in the minors comes at one at breakneck speed. One day, a minor league executive is just posting pictures of burgundy pants on Twitter instead of being one hundred percent committed to the development of the promotion schedule, and the next day the skies open, and the baseball gods drop the opportunity for the promotion of the decade into the laps of the alert. Well, today, the baseball gods gave us the gift of Garrison Lassiter, the former Yankee washout who tried to sue the Yankees for thirty four million dollars because Derek Jeter recognized he was a threat to Jeter’s spot in the lineup and sabotaged his career as a result. Obviously, the Pelicans should have a Garrison Lassiter Night because that type of chutzpa is what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they declared war against King George III.

Obviously, this warrants a bobblehead, complete with Derek Jeter stepping in front of Lassiter, but this night is really about celebrating the proletariat. Here is a brave soul who faced the oppression of the Evil Empire known as the New York Yankees, and was brave enough to file the paperwork so the case could be dismissed without prejudice, which certainly had to be a moral victory for courageous Lassiter. Without that victory, he might not have had the courage to recently sue the Cincinnati Reds for ageism for failing to offer him a tryout. Since it is a night for the working class, drink specials are an imperative. — but not fruity drinks. This is a beer and whiskey night. Maybe tequila. Maybe some lemon drop shots for those who feel romantic.

I feel we should invite Garrison to the big night. He is a Carolina boy (albeit North Carolina), so maybe he can just hop in his cat to drive to Field at Pelicans’ Field for the festivities. What is up with that long name your stadium has? That is some Arte Moreno stuff. How close is your stadium to a yacht club? Perhaps the tailgate of the night can be there. I was helping Taylor McCarthy [former General Manager; Stockton Ports] organize a yacht party for the 2020 California All Star League game, but since he took a job in the hinterlands of New Hampshire, those plans are in limbo. A Pelicans’ yacht party would make for some great photo ops. 

After the tailgate, perhaps a parade to the stadium is in order, with a smiling Garrison waving to the cheering masses. Once we get him to the stadium, he can throw out the first pitch and nail Splash for shits and giggles, then you can present to him a Derek Jeter gift basket and your pyro dude can lunch some pre-game fireworks. We can send Garrison back to his hotel at that point, and I will retire to a luxury suite to watch you read complaints submitted by those in attendance about the bastards in their lives that blocked their true destiny. After the game, maybe we can go out and get some wings and nachos. And big pitchers of beer.

The key is to move fast on this. This is one of those promotions in which the first organization to announce it wins. Those guys in Eugene seem like the type that might be on this. You do not want to get beat by them as you will never hear the end of it. We can fill in the details later — maybe add a celebrity guest or something. We probably should design some commemorative t-shirts for this. I do not think Garrison Lassiter Night really warrants polos. 

I am going to trust you with the playlist for this event. This is a big responsibility that I normally do not delegate, but I feel you have shown that this is right in your wheelhouse. I would suggest Roberta Fleck’s “Killing Me Softly with His Song” to be one the playlist at some point.

Your friend in baseball,


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