Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:
I vote for Batch in the Kinston Collards Greens mascot vote every single day, sometimes twice because as you well know, I am committed to success. Batch is the type of nickname you want the dude in the front passenger seat on a late night road trip to Las Vegas. Batch is not going to doze off somewhere just before Baker, California. Batch is going to get you through the night to the bright lights. I am glad you decided to take my trip to Vegas to raise money for the new scoreboard seriously. I think we can cover the cost with Super Bowl proposition bets (let it al ride on Demi Lavato’s National Anthem rendition going under), plus make a serious run on the tables for own own personal finances. Perhaps we should bring Mayor Don Hardy with us. At the very least, we can get some compromising pictures of him that you can use at a later date.
Has the mayor ever mentioned my missives? I have written to him about the scoreboard — tactfully, of course. “A new scoreboard will bring a sense of virility to Kinston. Both visitors and citizens will look upon it and say, “Oh my; it is so big! And erect. It stretches to the clouds!” I ask you Mayor Hardy, can one really put a price tag on that? The answer is a resounding yes because the Scoreboard Fairy is not flying over the tobacco fields anytime soon to deliver a scorecard to your city. Acquisitions of scoreboards require firm leadership from city government, and since you are the BIG DAWG in Kinston, well, it is time to don your big boy pants to make a new scoreboard happen.” I also suggested to him a hotel tax to pay for the scoreboard, yet received no response.
I see your promotion schedule is coming out next week, which reminds me I need to start making reservations for the annual Cactus League trips. Do you ever get out to Surprise? My raucous group certainly does. We are called the Jackalopes, and I do believe you are Jackalope material, Wade. I have a promotion suggestion for you though — Jose Altuve Buzzer Night! The first 1000 fans through the gates of Historic Grainger Stadium get old garage door openers when the ‘Peckers first come to town, much like what Jose had taped to his chest when he was cheating (allegedly).
Hey, speaking of mascot names, did you see the Kannapolis Cannon Ballers lazily named their mascot Boomer? Hello, marketing people, do you live under a rock? Way to slap a label of derision on your shiny new mascot. He could have been something special, but now he is headed for the Island of Misfit Toys. And to think I purchased Cannon Baller merchandise this offseason (their customer service was excellent though). Not Amanda McClain excellent, but damn good.
Anyway, I have miles to go before I sleep, and a storm is coming in. A hard rain might fall tonight. Be well.
Your friend in baseball,