Dead Religions

Dear Alex Stimson [Director of Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

Thank you for your expedient response to my missive. We have reached a point in our endeavors where speed is an essence, and delays in communication can be very detrimental to our cause. The mundane is our enemy. I do have a question before we continue though. What is your official title? Are you the Director of Media Relations? Or just Media Relations? Was your official title bestowed upon you, or did you get to choose it? “Director of Media Relations” sounds more authoritative, while “Media Relations” seems more encompassing. I ask so I can afford you the respect you deserve.

Thank your reasons why you must also work for the Oregon Ducks. Low pay and long hours are an unfortunate staple of minor league baseball, and one of my largest targets in my campaign to save Minor League Baseball. “We do this for The Love of the Game” is a complete horseshit mantra shoved down MiLB employee’s throats from the time they are interns at Itty Bitty University in Bumfuck, Iowa until they leave the industry to support their family on decent wages. Those who work in MiLB work for shit wages do so because they have no choice because of the current power structure that exists.

Because I am willing to speak out on this, my wisdom is shockingly not accepted by many minor league owners. In some places, I am even persona no grata. Some upper management front types feel the same way and go out of their way to disparage me, saying thing like “What does Bads85 know? He has never worked a day in our industry.” My response is always, “Hey chumps, I know I get to leave the stadium before the lights are shut off because I am spiritually wealthy and financially sound because of my career choices. Oh, I also know that celebrity promotions usually are bad for ledger sheets, but conventional wisdom in MiLB still thinks a minor character from The Office will pack the seats. Hey, look, there is Willie from Duck Dynasty! Sign him quick!”

But I digress. We have a reality television show to create. Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] has instructed me to obtain a contract with Netflix to open up sweet, sweet revenue streams, so I m working under the assumption we have a full green light to pursue the show. I do understand your concerns that a glimpse in the Eugene front offense might alarm the power structure of MiLB because the front office is comprised of a group of outlaws who live beyond the rules of society, but yet follow their own code. Have no fear; we control the content of the show. We get to make ourselves look like endearing scamps we are while making those dunderheads in Pasco, Hillsborough, and Everett look like the stumbling incompetents they are.

Like many good really shows, ours should be a show within a show. The overall show will be about the Eugene Emeralds’ quest to provide quality entertainment to its fanbase as past industry paradigms fall away in the NEW WORLD while trying to secure a new stadium. The stories within the story will be the individual interactions of the front office staff with each other as they overcome the obstacles of the profession while hilarious hijinks occur. The fourth wall will be broken with sledge hammers. Viewers will see the different perception of realities between upper and middle management, plus the serfs who have to do the heavy lifting around the stadium.

One of the focal points of the show will be the reckless pursuit of successful promotions, and the premise there is no room for failure on the minor league circuit. Failure is for the losers in Myrtle Beach who lose Golden Bobbleheads to something called the Udder Tuggers. No promotion should fail as long as the proper tenets of promotion planning are followed:

1. Defined purpose
2. Diligent research
3. Obtaining a generous sponsor
4. Targeted, consistent marketing
5. Precise execution
6. Killer playlist
7. Charismatic voice on the mic in case something goes awry.

Alas, this missive grow long. I will continue in future correspondence.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Have you touched your inner Squatch today?

Dear Alex Stimson [Director of Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

It appears the baseball gods have put us on a collision course as we pursue our destinies in this brave new minor league baseball world. I will offer you the same advice that was once given to Sarah O’ Connor during similar troubling times, “Come with me if you want to live.” Perhaps that is a little dramatic, but it is better than, “Get in, Loser. We are going shopping.”

“What exactly are we doing, Bads85?” you are probably asking yourself. Why, we are going to create a reality TV show documenting the Eugene Emeralds’ return from COVID and quest for a new baseball stadium  Since you are in charge of media relations, I am hoping you have access to all the cameras and sound equipment. Well, Alex, it is time to fully begin living in the digital age. Hit the little red button, and start recording.

As you probably know, a successful reality tv show is all about the planning and the script, plus outrageous facial expressions that become signatures of the show. I believe you should get the Emeralds’ front office to practice a variety of emotional expressions in their bathroom mirrors, then start using those faces at work whenever Allan Benavides [General Manager] gives a directive. Do not inform Allan what the staff is doing so the video footage will have an unrehearsed feel. I truly believe the success of the show will be contingent on Allan’s natural reactions.

The show is going to need a place where the staff hangs out after work, preferably one with low alcohol prices and quality bar food. I have a feeling that you have a few places in mind, but I do think a pub crawl of Eugene is in order the next time I come to town just to make sure we have the right place. The staff will need an official shot also. It cannot be something that will wipe us out like say, Mind Erasers, but it cannot be something that will making us a laughing stock across the nation, say like Slippery Nipples. I will put my trust in you to find us a shot that best describes the personality of the Ems’ staff. I understand a great bit of sampling might be required to find the correct answer.

Hey, are you the full time, on the field emcee (commonly referred to in The Industry  as the MIC GUY)? If so, that is a position of great responsibility. The young kids in front offices talk about using social media to build their brand, but the Mic Guy is who puts asses in the seats. Fans come to the park to roar. The baseball on the field is just a vehicle for that, and often it is not even the primary vessel. The Mic Guy though, he holds the power to bring the crowd to its feet in a unified PRIMAL SCREAM that expels the repressed frustrations that have been haunting fans most of their lives. A good Mic Guy is the conductor of orchestra comprised of the between inning promotions, the mascots, the corporate sponsors, and the fans. Too many organizations eschew a good Mic Guy to save a few dollars. The Mic Guy will be the star of the reality show, well, except for me from remote locations.

One other thing will be be doing on this show is subversively dropping Los Angeles Dodgers’ logos throughout the episodes. Yes, the Emeralds might be the affiliates of the widely hated San Francisco Giants, but we do not have to damn out souls. Subtle Dodgers’ placements will be our private joke, and allow us to look our children in their eyes. This could range from a Justin Turner bobblehead on a desk to a streaker with a Dodgers’ tattoo eluding security in the outfield. 

Of course, our reality tv show will need a killer soundtrack every week. This is topic for another time, but have no fear, I am the master of the playlists at the Cactus League.

Until next time…

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Of course, social media has its place in promoting MiLB teams. I have radical thoughts about that also.

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I apologize for my correspondence being light this week or so, but I had a full agenda. A couple of Monday nights ago, I attended the virtual Springfield Economic Development Agency meeting concerning the Glenwood riverfront land. Imagine my surprise when I discovered at the end of meeting that the Emeralds were not going to be present at the meeting because your organization had deemed the land unsuitable. I must have missed that memo, which illustrates the importance of my having an official Emeralds’ email address, along with a spiffy work polo, and perhaps a windbreaker.

I also reached out to the Vancouver Canadians about being their PA dude since they were advertising that position. I ignored the chain of command and went start to Allan Boyd [General Manager], and he replied with a polite form letter. In all my years of contacting minor league from offices, I have never been so passive aggressively dismissed. As you well know, this is the equivalent of a formal declaration of war between the United States and Canada.

I took upon myself to design some promotions to help the war effort:

1. Bomb Canada Night: On the first Thirsty Thursday, The Ems will offer Canadian Car Bomb drink specials, which is an Irish Car Bomb with Seagram’s 7 substituting for Jameson Irish Whiskey. I know you might be thinking, “Jesus Christ on a River Barge, Bads! Hiram Walker products are rot gut shit that turns your liver green!” We all have to make sacrifices during wartime, Allan.
2. Just Say No to LaBatt’s Night: This will be every night as LaBatt’s is not served at PK Park. 

You might be asking, “Why only two promotions, Bads85?” Well, Allan, it is going to be a short war. Have you seen the size of Canada’s military? Their navy could fit my pool.

Another reason I have been out of touch is we had a bad windstorm last well. The welcome sign on the front door blew off and crushed our yard gnome named Austin. Poor Austin. He had only been in our family for a little over a week, but he had grown close to us. Now he is gone, in dozens of pieces. Rumor has it that his brother Arliss is on his way to avenge his brother’s death. Apparently, there is a world shortage of yard gnomes right now because of COVID and the Suez Canal blockage. Have I not suffered enough in this wretched life? I did order a statue of a T-Rex eating yard gnomes from Amazon. I am sure my wife will love it.

Are the Emeralds any closer to finalizing a time/place for the home opener? The people in Pasco are not going to have fun at the Ems’ expense, are they? I have never traveled to Pasco, but I have been through Nebraska, and I hear it is similar. The Dust Devils are owned by the George Brett, who owns the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes, who nobody really likes.I hope the Dust Devils are not that way. By the way, if you ever receive a grainy security camera video of some dude dropping a bag of dog poo on season ticket holder of LoanMart Field, it was not me.

I watched the Emeralds’ excellent new promotional video. Dude, Squatch need a new costume. I know money is tight, but we live in a GoFundMe world. More importantly, the fan experience in that video was much better than the experience I had in the quiet drizzle of Opening Night a few years ago. I feel cheated. Since I am spiritually wealthy, I have no need for a refund, but let’s try for more consistency this year. Right now my fan experience rankings of the High A West would be:

1. Everett
2. Eugene
3. Vancouver
4. Hillsboro
5. Spokane

• Have not been to Pasco.

Let’s try to get the Ems to #1.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Boyd [General Manager; Vancouver Canadians]:

I hope you have acclimated yourself to you temporary stadium for this season, Ron Tonkin Field. As baseball stadiums go, I am sure you will find it to be a wonderful travel ball park, but nothing like the historic Scotiabank Field at Nat Bailey Stadium in beautiful Vancouver, British Columbia. Ron Tonkin was not really designed for the gruel a full season, but thanks to Bobby Manfred’s minor league restructuring, here we are.

I write you today to promote an endeavor that would be mutually beneficial to you and me. I see that your organization is in need of a Public Address voice for your home, and I just happen to have the most unheralded voice in minor league baseball. You might not have heard of me, being from across the border, but I a wizened minor league road warrior who is sort of a big deal on certain circuits. 

My voice is so powerful that Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] has instructed employees to not let me near a live mic because I have the voice of a thousand horny angels, I think he is still a little sore that during a Toyota promotion a few years ago I said if I won a Tundra, I would drive it to the local GMC dealership to get a real truck. I have a very honed ability to quickly whip large crowns into a bloodlust frenzy, which as you certainly know, is vital in minor league baseball in order to make those thirty second corporate ad spots COME ALIVE.

From the California League to the Carolina League, al the way up to the NY Penn League and Eastern League, through the Midwest and Pioneer League and back down to Pacific Coast League, I have brought crowds to their feet, often without a mic, just me taking command of the situation. In 2014, I made put the Something in Nothing Night at San Manuel Stadium. As the man on the radio says, I danced with happily ever after the ever after. The Myrtle Beach Pelicans installed a brick with my name on in their stadium, and I am not set to visit there for the first time until June. I brought the house down in Kinston in 2019. Way back in the Aughts, I inspired a family of skunks in Erie to learn to speak so they could hang out with me.

You might be thinking, “Wow, Bads85, you would suspend your travels as a minor league ambassador to come work for us?” No, of course not — I would be working remotely. COVID stipulations are going to limit human interaction at parks, so remote is the wave all the smart minor league executives like Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] are embracing. Technology will allow me to be sitting in a luxury box in Charleston making PA calls in Hillsboro. For example, every time a Canadian makes am error, I could say. “And the tanks are rolling, and there is nothing the Mounties can do because of the lack of true air support from the Royal Canadian Air Force.”

I have noticed your organization has not released a promotional schedule. Do you need assistance? Promotions are also my bag — they are how I cut my teeth in the minors. I certainly hope you are having Thirsty Thursdays, which are expected in the United States. Failure to do so would be considered an act of war, and trust me, there are all sorts of unregulated militia in Eastern Oregon and Idaho that are just looking for an excuse to annex Calgary. Reduced beer prices on Thursdays will prevent an international incident, as would Taco Tuesdays. Here are some nightly promotions you could easily implement:

1. Tim Horton Must Die Night: Canadians’ fans of all ages can enjoy real coffee instead of that recycled motor oil that Canada’s number one coffee chains serves, Adults can spice up their coffee with discounted shots of Jamison. 
2. Queen of Rum Row Night: Celebrate Vancouver’s Prohibition liquor running days by paying respect to the Malahat, the five mast schooner than delivered more contraband than Al Capone. Discounted alcoholic beverages across the board.
3. Willy Pickton Bacon Night: Commemorate Canada’s most prolific serial killer who used to dispose of his victim’s bodies on his pig farm known as the Piggy Palace Good Times Society, Numerous bacon dishes will be offered as well as drink specials so Americans can feel better knowing that psycho killers reside in other countries also.

I need to wrap this up because tomorrow is another big day of planning for me. There is a very good chance that I will attend your home opener as my travels will bring me to Oregon. I was supposed to attend the Eugene Emerald’s home opener on the same date, but apparently the stadium is double booked, and as you well know, time waits for no man in the minor leagues.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Chris Bowers [Director of Corporate Sales]:

I am worried that Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] is overextending himself. He needs an assistant, and since the entire front office is stretched thin because of COVID Budget cuts and I am spiritually wealthy, I think I am the man who has to pick up the slack. You would agree, right? Good talk.

While I have your attention, I have two promotions I would like to share to you. You are free to pass them off as your own to build your resume’. 

1. Viking Funeral Sendoff: Bereaving fans can send off their loves one(s) in a stone boat on the Willamette River after a eulogy at PK Park just before the National Anthem. After the Anthem, some dude or dudette in a Vikings’ costume with fire a burning arrow into the boat, filly igniting it, and the deceased will pass into the next world. We will have explosives as a backup in the boat inc case the arrow misses. Remember, explosives are what the Ems do well. If we burn it, they will come.

2. Yard Gnome Paint Ball Target Tuesdays: Every Tuesday, Ems fans will have the opportunity     to donate yard gnomes at the PK. For $5, fans can purchase the opportunity to fire three paint balls at their gnome thought the game in a special area of the stadium. Considering we can purchase 2000 paint balls for about seventy dollars, this will be a high profit promotion and should shore up that lagging Tuesday attendance especially if we offer two dollar tacos and tequila shots. We can dump all the old yard gnomes on the lawns of the mayors of Eugene and Springfield. 

Hey, is there an Emeralds’ bar in town? You know a place where Ems fans go to grieve the tough losses and celebrate exhilarating wins. Or maybe, just to talk baseball with their larger baseball family. whole munching some quality bar appetizers. If not, I think we should create something like that. Perhaps the establishment will livestream road games. I am sort of novice on the Eugene bar scene, but I am a quick study. Perhaps a pub crawl when I am in town in May is in order. Perhaps my old buddy Bong Water will join us. Last I saw him was in Astoria a few years ago. 

He is called Bongwater because at San Manuel Stadium in Section 102, there is a rite of passage where new season ticket holders have to sneak in a flask and share it with the section. Well, Paul’s flask contained real fucking bong water, so the nickname was rather natural. This is a guy who once tried to sell his season tickets on eBay because he knew how to sneak in the stadium. He also used to fall hard for strippers and female police officers. 

I need to get some rest as I have a big day tomorrow. I am traveling to Palm Springs to discuss California League expansion poolside with some OLD MONEY sources. Plus, it is my wedding anniversary.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Once again, I have come up with a solution to your most current, pressing problem: the fact that PK Park is double booked for Opening Night. It is simple, really. Find yourself an empty field and dub the home opener “Sandlot Night”. Throw some bases down and give your elite front office staff a shovel so they can build a pitcher’s mound, and BOOM, you have a ballgame with pastoral roots. Maybe this field can even be in a fancy place called a park where there are public restrooms.

I know you are thinking, “Jesus Christ, Bads85! How am I going to make money off this! Where will the fans sit? I am going to have to rent bleachers.” Trust your good friend Bads85 here. Through clever marketing, we are going to have fans pay five to ten dollars to bring their own chairs and blankets to sit on this field — except for my close friends coming to the game. They get on the field free, real close to the kegs.

You might be thinking, “How in the hell are we going to have concessions in a sandlot?” Well, Allan, the baseball gods invented food and beer trucks just for this reason. We just have to hope it does not rain. We are going to grill some meat though. The Emeralds have not sold a goddamn hot dog since August, 2019. Chris Bowers [Director of Corporate Events] and Turner “No Nepotism Here” Elmore [Director pf Food and Beverage] can put on aprons, fire up some coals, and prepare fresh hotdogs the way the Good Lord intended — with lots of lighter fluid!  Maybe Joe Hudson {General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] can make the trip to “supervise”.

I am sure you are screaming, “Do you know how many city health codes we would be breaking?”, and I assure you I do, and I am just getting warmed up. Health codes are made to be broken so government bureaucrats can justify their existence. Remember, in this profession, it is almost always better to ask for forgiveness rather than permission. We are first time offenders (except for fireworks’ violations). Even if they do fine us, think of the national publicity.

Did I mention we are going to have kegs behind first and third base? We can charge $5 bucks for a cold draft beer in a red solo cup. We can give a dollar from each beer to a charity, and everyone will love us. My god, man, we are going to win ALL THE GOLDEN BOBBLEHEADS on the first evening of the season. We will be the little former Short Season team forced to High A without a stadium that cheered in the face of adversity instead of wallowing in despair. We will become media darlings.

Now being the smart guy you are, you probably have looked into something like this while you looked for an alternate field, but you might have overlooked the Sandlot Night angle. Even if the game is being played at Sheldon Spots Complex or North Eugene High School, we market the game as a sandlot game. Show the movie! Invite Denis Leary and Patrick Renna (the fat kid who was the catcher). Promise a return to what baseball used to be. Offer the opportunity to have father/sons daughters/mothers “have” a catch. Maybe have some skeletons with scythes amble into the outfield from a cornfield to scare the shit out of people to keep the mood light. Pretend we are having a Kentucky Derby— wait, we do not do that here. Ever.  Goddammit, if the NCAA is going to make us eat a bucket of shit on the season opener, let’s make money off it. If the league shuts us down before we sell any tickets (and we know damn well they will), we can turn this into a publicity bonanza. 

Hey, what is possibility of me getting an Ems’ email address? You might find this hard to believe, but some MiLB executives do not take my AOL.com email address seriously. You don’t know it yet, but Chris Bowers and I decided you needed an assistant, and I was just the guy. Actually, Chris does not know that yet either, but I am going to write him next to inform him what he should think. Giving me that an Ems email will give me CLOUT, and I would only use it for official Emeralds business.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Did you ever see the 1984 film Repo Man? If not, this analogy is going nowhere fast, but the life of a repo man, like a MiLB front office executive, is always intense. That is why I am not too concerned that I have not heard fro you in a while. A less experienced MiLB road warrior might think, “Shit, Allan is giving me the Myrtle Beach Pelicans’ treatment again,” but I figured you are just busy trying to find a place to play for Opening Night, or preparing for your meeting next week with the Springfield Economic Development Agency to discuss the Glenwood site.

I could help you out with that because I am really good at creating graphs, especially the bar and pie ones. You are probably thinking, “Is that Bads85 going to crash the party in a paneled van with Ronnie James Dio’s,“Rock ’n Roll Children” blasting from the speakers, then start shooting midgets out of cannons?” Do not worry; I realize you deeper into this than I initially realized, and my presence, while certainly uplifting, would only distract from the master plan.

I must say, yesterday when I discovered that your were forced with starting a season in a double booked stadium, I thought, “That is a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see if works out for them.” I immediately began brainstorming ways to spend doctor this — it could be a good way to show the Ems truly need a new stadium —  then I suddenly stopped because I realized I was dealing with a guy playing three dimensional chess, and you had already thought of this. I went ahead and booked a flight to Eugene for Opening Night, and sent a missive to Mayor Lucy to see if I could pitch a tent on her lawn to bring attention to the plight of the hobos in her town. Worst case scenario, I will just drive to Hillsboro to see their Canadian tenants play. 

I am a bit concerned that Springfield mayor (this is right out of The Simpsons!) Sean VanGordon might throw you some curve ball questions to throw you off your game, so I took the liberty to generate some possible questions he might throw at you.

1. Q: You worked in Lake Elsinore where the new stadium was a real financial burden on the community due to cost overruns, bad bond decisions, etc. What is to prevent that from happening here?

      A.: Corrupt politicians caused that train wreck, Mr. Mayor. As long as you and your council aren’t corrupt, we should have no problems. 

2. Q: If the Emeralds draw about 250,000 fans per season, that is the about the number of people who will visit an eight-screen movie theater over the course of a year. Why should we invest so much for what a movie theater can do?

     A: Why do you hate America? And why is there no space in your last name? Never pin your city’s economic hopes on a minor league stadium. Instead, invest in your city’s cultural development. 

3. Q: Can cranberry juice go bad? And how can you tell if t does?

     A: Yes, it will start fermenting, but not in the good way. Look for bubbles, mold, or an expanding container.

4. Q: Who is your favorite CEO?

     A: Your mom.

5. Q: What do you think of garden gnomes?

        A. Nothing a small amount of explosives cannot cure.

6. Q: Does Bads85 really work for you now?

     A: Yes, but we prefer to think of it as “Bads85 works with us. Still, we should have his business cards for him any day now. And maybe a nifty work polo, although he will pay for that out of his pawn pocket. The dude is spiritually wealthy.”

Gotta run. I need to put in an order to Dirty Jimmy’s Liquor Store.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85