Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
Did you ever see the 1984 film Repo Man? If not, this analogy is going nowhere fast, but the life of a repo man, like a MiLB front office executive, is always intense. That is why I am not too concerned that I have not heard fro you in a while. A less experienced MiLB road warrior might think, “Shit, Allan is giving me the Myrtle Beach Pelicans’ treatment again,” but I figured you are just busy trying to find a place to play for Opening Night, or preparing for your meeting next week with the Springfield Economic Development Agency to discuss the Glenwood site.
I could help you out with that because I am really good at creating graphs, especially the bar and pie ones. You are probably thinking, “Is that Bads85 going to crash the party in a paneled van with Ronnie James Dio’s,“Rock ’n Roll Children” blasting from the speakers, then start shooting midgets out of cannons?” Do not worry; I realize you deeper into this than I initially realized, and my presence, while certainly uplifting, would only distract from the master plan.
I must say, yesterday when I discovered that your were forced with starting a season in a double booked stadium, I thought, “That is a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see if works out for them.” I immediately began brainstorming ways to spend doctor this — it could be a good way to show the Ems truly need a new stadium — then I suddenly stopped because I realized I was dealing with a guy playing three dimensional chess, and you had already thought of this. I went ahead and booked a flight to Eugene for Opening Night, and sent a missive to Mayor Lucy to see if I could pitch a tent on her lawn to bring attention to the plight of the hobos in her town. Worst case scenario, I will just drive to Hillsboro to see their Canadian tenants play.
I am a bit concerned that Springfield mayor (this is right out of The Simpsons!) Sean VanGordon might throw you some curve ball questions to throw you off your game, so I took the liberty to generate some possible questions he might throw at you.
- Q: You worked in Lake Elsinore where the new stadium was a real financial burden on the community due to cost overruns, bad bond decisions, etc. What is to prevent that from happening here?
A.: Corrupt politicians caused that train wreck, Mr. Mayor. As long as you and your council aren’t corrupt, we should have no problems.
2. Q: If the Emeralds draw about 250,000 fans per season, that is the about the number of people who will visit an eight-screen movie theater over the course of a year. Why should we invest so much for what a movie theater can do?
A: Why do you hate America? And why is there no space in your last name? Never pin your city’s economic hopes on a minor league stadium. Instead, invest in your city’s cultural development.
3. Q: Can cranberry juice go bad? And how can you tell if t does?
A: Yes, it will start fermenting, but not in the good way. Look for bubbles, mold, or an expanding container.
4. Q: Who is your favorite CEO?
A: Your mom.
5. Q: What do you think of garden gnomes?
A. Nothing a small amount of explosives cannot cure.
6. Q: Does Bads85 really work for you now?
A: Yes, but we prefer to think of it as “Bads85 works with us. Still, we should have his business cards for him any day now. And maybe a nifty work polo, although he will pay for that out of his pawn pocket. The dude is spiritually wealthy.”
Gotta run. I need to put in an order to Dirty Jimmy’s Liquor Store.
Your friend in baseball,