You Never Forget Your First

Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

In your last missive, you asked me if I ever slept. I sleep hard and well, at peace with the fact that I am an altruistic vigilante in a world with too many rock heads in the fast lane. I think the great Calvin from the comic books once said, “I am tired of waiting my precious life in transit.” Or maybe it was Bob Newhart. Or Hunter S. Thompson. When you have been on the road as long as I have, the great prophets tend to blur.

I am sensing the mood in minor league baseball went from the elation of “Baseball is Back!” to “Oh no! How will sell tickets with COVID regulations? We must hesitate and think this out.” Other clubs were praying for rain, and are now bitching about the rust. Well, Allan, thank the baseball gods that the Eugene Emeralds are not this way. We are freedom from the moment our feet hit the ground. Slap a mask on everyone including the mascot, and full speed ahead. The great state of Oregon should have vaccinated 1.1 million more people by Opening Night, thanks to the unsinkable Governor Kate Brown, who I hope has received your invitation to Opening Night to drink Appletinis with VIP guests like myself.

Hey, do you realize you have not been in the news for three weeks? You need to become the face of Eugene, the kind, charismatic member of the community. Go create some random acts of kindness and make sure you have a camera crew with you. Rescue a house pet, pimp the Ems’ charities, thank first responders, build a home for hobos, whatever, just get your smiling face in the news.

I have a plan, Eugene’s mayor Lucy Vinis wants to use COVID relief money to address the homeless. Good news! The Ems’ are going to be without a stadium soon, so you qualify for aid! Just get yourself a hardhat and a hammer, find a construction site, and take some pictures of you driving some nails. Send the pics to Lucy, and tell her the Ems are building habitats for the homeless, and for her to remember you when it comes time to dole out that sweet, sweet Federal money. If she ever asks you about the progress of your habitat in the future, tell her there was a fire, but thankfully nobody was hurt, and that you are leading another fundraiser to lead the phone from the ashes — politicians love that cliche’ as much as kids love dinosaurs.

I think I have a pretty good theme for the Emeralds’ 2021 season: “You Never Forget Your First…” You might be thinking, “Your first what?” Well, that is up for your elite marketing team to decide. I cannot do it all, man. Well, I probably could, but that is a great deal of work. It could be a kids’ first hotdog at the game, a fan’s first game back from COVID, the first Thirsty Thursday beer of the season (or the night), or the first Squatch tattoo a lifelong fan finally receives. The possibilities are endless, and it will be infinitely better than “Baseball is Back!” or “PK Park is Old Enough to Drink!”

My wife was just setting the alarm for tomorrow, and it inspired a possible promotion that will cost us very little money. We could have an “Ask Alexa Night”, where fans can submit questions to ask Alexa, and wacky hijinks will eventually ensue (I am not sure if we can to the mic in the stands because of COVID). Your PA person will start by asking Alexa simple questions, and broadcasting Alexa’s answers over the stadium speakers. Eventually though, we will start broadcasting rigged answers from Chris Bowers’ [Director Of Corporate Events; Eugene Emeralds] office. Now unless this is properly executed, it could be as lame as a failed Hillsboro Hops’ promotion, so make sure your staff understands that proper execution of a promotion is a result of diligent planning. Oh, don’t use Siri because that dumbass will just get us lost or text someone else’s grandmother.

I do need to go to bed now because as always, tomorrow is a very busy day in which I interact with many people.

Your friend in baseball,

PS: Who was better: Nirvana or Green Day?

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