A Room Above Dirty Jimmy’s Liquor Store

Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

I have exciting news, my good friend! I have booked a house through VRBO in Myrtle Beach for June 1st, the night I make my triumphant appearance at TicketReturn.com Field at Pelicans’ Ballpark. My merry group of brigands will be flying into Myrtle Beach to play the Pete Dye course at the Barefoot Resort and Golf, heading to our home away from home to freshen up, and then zipping to your park to spend boatloads of cash at your alcohol stands.

It will be a perfect day in the pursuit of the American Dream, and you are welcome to join us for golf. The collection of veteran freebooters I am traveling with have heard many tales of your glory, and would like nothing more than to slam some Picklebacks with you on the links. I am sure Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans} will give you the afternoon off. I mean, you are the face of the Pelicans.

Hey, one of your co-workers called me the other morning to ask me a few questions about my brick. She woke me up, so I was groggy enough to not catch her name, but her telecommunication skills were exquisite. Does your staff undergo specific training in the matter? I am not sure if I have ever encountered a MiLB office with such excellent phone skills. She did not seem to know who Bads85 was, so perhaps she is new.

Do you know of any mobile tattoo artists that can come Barefoot Resort and Golf to slap some Pelican Pirates’ tattoos on our arms? It would have to be in the morning before our blood alcohol content begins to spike. We will not have much time in Myrtle Beach because we are men of the road. Maybe we will just have to settle Pelican Pirates’ hats.

I assume you know the Pelicans have my full permission to use my likeness and moniker as a promotional tool for the game. I might be the biggest celebrity you can land in these almost post-COVID times. Maybe you should send the video crew up to the luxury suite I will be leasing that night. That will give you the excuse to hang with some bona fide California Leaguers — I am even willing to be interviewed. I just cannot answer sensitive questions about the stadium situation with the Eugene Emeralds. However, we can certainly tell fans how our paths crossed so many years ago.

Of course, after the bars close in Myrtle Beach after the game, there will be a late night party at our rental house. All the Pelican’s staff are invited, even that one guy. I just discovered underneath our rental is …. Dirty Jimmy’s Liquor Store. One can never undervalue the importance of quality planning on the road, just like with a MiLB promotion. When you arrive, be prepared to dance. The lights might eventually go off at TicketReturn.com Field, but this group will not sleep until we are on the plane out of town the next morning. 

I still do not know what to wear though.

Your friend in Baseball,


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