Dear Chris Bowers {Director Of Corporate Events; Eugene Emeralds]:
I apologize for not have the time to properly respond to your missive last week. Opening Day is a High Holy Day for me, and the proper observance of this sort of religious holiday requires copious amounts of alcohol consumption, so I kind of lost a few days there. I greatly appreciate your efforts to ensure there will be likenesses of me all around PK Stadium. I really need an Emeralds’ jersey look the part for that, do you not think? Perhaps you can convince Allan Benavides {General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] to send me one before Opening Night? I mean, I will pay for it — the mail from Eugene is real slow though. I would like to think I receive the full employee discount now.
Do you hear the exciting news that I am almost certainly coming to Eugene for Opening Night? Both my financial advisor and my social chairman have given me the green light. I really do not know what to wear though. Is there any local tattoo artist that is especially adept with your Squatch image? I’ve never received a tattoo before, but imagine the attention the Ems would get from a video of Bads85 getting a Squatch tattoo. The repercussions would be felt throughout MiLB, and help put Eugene on the map.
I am sure Allan has shared my ideas about starting some rumors about Eugene landing the 2027 Pan American Games and some big Hollywood produces wanting to film a reality television show following the Ems. I have an idea you should run by him tomorrow: the Ems are trying to land the 2021 All Star Game now that MLB has said Atlanta cannot have it. Sure, Allan might give you a look that is like what you might find on a cat who falls into a full bathtub, but you can explain this is not really about landing an All Star game, which is a logistic pain in the ass, but the publicity of being in the running. Plus, when the Ems are eventually rejected, your organization can say, “See, we need a new stadium if the city has any hope securing the 2027 Pan Am Games!”
You shared with me that you have been know to don the Rally Squatch costume. I am assuming this has been part of your professional duties, not some weird kink fest, but who am I to judge anyway? Whatever the case, if you are a Squatch man, I assume yo u have plotted the demise of Sluggo, who has outlived in purpose for the Ems and should be sent to the Great Salmon Run in the Sky. I am very confident we can turn Sluggo’s death into a kick ass promotion.
How is Allan holding up during this stressful transition to full season ball? Be alert for any eye twitches, and the hippy hippy shakes. If you witness him morning drinking, contact me immediately so I can join him. No one likes to drink alone. We can do a Zoom call and slam some Jim Beam shots like the elite MiLB executives do. Encourage him to keep up his personal grooming also. COVID haircuts are not going to cut it in the very near future. I mean, even I am working on getting into Opening Night shape. I did a pushup the other night, and thought, “Whoa, whoa there, Bad Motor Scooter. Don’t overdue it.” Tomorrow I might try a sit up. Maybe.
Anyway, I need to go. I keep putting off reaching out to the Eugene mayor.
Your friend in baseball,
Bads85
Dead Religions 