Reality TV with the Eugene Emeralds

Dear Alex Stimson [Director of Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

It appears the baseball gods have put us on a collision course as we pursue our destinies in this brave new minor league baseball world. I will offer you the same advice that was once given to Sarah O’ Connor during similar troubling times, “Come with me if you want to live.” Perhaps that is a little dramatic, but it is better than, “Get in, Loser. We are going shopping.”

“What exactly are we doing, Bads85?” you are probably asking yourself. Why, we are going to create a reality TV show documenting the Eugene Emeralds’ return from COVID and quest for a new baseball stadium  Since you are in charge of media relations, I am hoping you have access to all the cameras and sound equipment. Well, Alex, it is time to fully begin living in the digital age. Hit the little red button, and start recording.

As you probably know, a successful reality tv show is all about the planning and the script, plus outrageous facial expressions that become signatures of the show. I believe you should get the Emeralds’ front office to practice a variety of emotional expressions in their bathroom mirrors, then start using those faces at work whenever Allan Benavides [General Manager] gives a directive. Do not inform Allan what the staff is doing so the video footage will have an unrehearsed feel. I truly believe the success of the show will be contingent on Allan’s natural reactions.

The show is going to need a place where the staff hangs out after work, preferably one with low alcohol prices and quality bar food. I have a feeling that you have a few places in mind, but I do think a pub crawl of Eugene is in order the next time I come to town just to make sure we have the right place. The staff will need an official shot also. It cannot be something that will wipe us out like say, Mind Erasers, but it cannot be something that will making us a laughing stock across the nation, say like Slippery Nipples. I will put my trust in you to find us a shot that best describes the personality of the Ems’ staff. I understand a great bit of sampling might be required to find the correct answer.

Hey, are you the full time, on the field emcee (commonly referred to in The Industry  as the MIC GUY)? If so, that is a position of great responsibility. The young kids in front offices talk about using social media to build their brand, but the Mic Guy is who puts asses in the seats. Fans come to the park to roar. The baseball on the field is just a vehicle for that, and often it is not even the primary vessel. The Mic Guy though, he holds the power to bring the crowd to its feet in a unified PRIMAL SCREAM that expels the repressed frustrations that have been haunting fans most of their lives. A good Mic Guy is the conductor of orchestra comprised of the between inning promotions, the mascots, the corporate sponsors, and the fans. Too many organizations eschew a good Mic Guy to save a few dollars. The Mic Guy will be the star of the reality show, well, except for me from remote locations.

One other thing will be be doing on this show is subversively dropping Los Angeles Dodgers’ logos throughout the episodes. Yes, the Emeralds might be the affiliates of the widely hated San Francisco Giants, but we do not have to damn out souls. Subtle Dodgers’ placements will be our private joke, and allow us to look our children in their eyes. This could range from a Justin Turner bobblehead on a desk to a streaker with a Dodgers’ tattoo eluding security in the outfield. 

Of course, our reality tv show will need a killer soundtrack every week. This is topic for another time, but have no fear, I am the master of the playlists at the Cactus League.

Until next time…

Your friend in baseball,


PS: Of course, social media has its place in promoting MiLB teams. I have radical thoughts about that also.

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