Dear Chris Bowers [Director of Corporate Sales]:
I am worried that Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] is overextending himself. He needs an assistant, and since the entire front office is stretched thin because of COVID Budget cuts and I am spiritually wealthy, I think I am the man who has to pick up the slack. You would agree, right? Good talk.
While I have your attention, I have two promotions I would like to share to you. You are free to pass them off as your own to build your resume’.
- Viking Funeral Sendoff: Bereaving fans can send off their loves one(s) in a stone boat on the Willamette River after a eulogy at PK Park just before the National Anthem. After the Anthem, some dude or dudette in a Vikings’ costume with fire a burning arrow into the boat, filly igniting it, and the deceased will pass into the next world. We will have explosives as a backup in the boat inc case the arrow misses. Remember, explosives are what the Ems do well. If we burn it, they will come.
2. Yard Gnome Paint Ball Target Tuesdays: Every Tuesday, Ems fans will have the opportunity to donate yard gnomes at the PK. For $5, fans can purchase the opportunity to fire three paint balls at their gnome thought the game in a special area of the stadium. Considering we can purchase 2000 paint balls for about seventy dollars, this will be a high profit promotion and should shore up that lagging Tuesday attendance especially if we offer two dollar tacos and tequila shots. We can dump all the old yard gnomes on the lawns of the mayors of Eugene and Springfield.
Hey, is there an Emeralds’ bar in town? You know a place where Ems fans go to grieve the tough losses and celebrate exhilarating wins. Or maybe, just to talk baseball with their larger baseball family. whole munching some quality bar appetizers. If not, I think we should create something like that. Perhaps the establishment will livestream road games. I am sort of novice on the Eugene bar scene, but I am a quick study. Perhaps a pub crawl when I am in town in May is in order. Perhaps my old buddy Bong Water will join us. Last I saw him was in Astoria a few years ago.
He is called Bongwater because at San Manuel Stadium in Section 102, there is a rite of passage where new season ticket holders have to sneak in a flask and share it with the section. Well, Paul’s flask contained real fucking bong water, so the nickname was rather natural. This is a guy who once tried to sell his season tickets on eBay because he knew how to sneak in the stadium. He also used to fall hard for strippers and female police officers.
I need to get some rest as I have a big day tomorrow. I am traveling to Palm Springs to discuss California League expansion poolside with some OLD MONEY sources. Plus, it is my wedding anniversary.
Your friend in baseball,