Canadian Car Bombs and Squatch

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I apologize for my correspondence being light this week or so, but I had a full agenda. A couple of Monday nights ago, I attended the virtual Springfield Economic Development Agency meeting concerning the Glenwood riverfront land. Imagine my surprise when I discovered at the end of meeting that the Emeralds were not going to be present at the meeting because your organization had deemed the land unsuitable. I must have missed that memo, which illustrates the importance of my having an official Emeralds’ email address, along with a spiffy work polo, and perhaps a windbreaker.

I also reached out to the Vancouver Canadians about being their PA dude since they were advertising that position. I ignored the chain of command and went start to Allan Boyd [General Manager], and he replied with a polite form letter. In all my years of contacting minor league from offices, I have never been so passive aggressively dismissed. As you well know, this is the equivalent of a formal declaration of war between the United States and Canada.

I took upon myself to design some promotions to help the war effort:

  1. Bomb Canada Night: On the first Thirsty Thursday, The Ems will offer Canadian Car Bomb drink specials, which is an Irish Car Bomb with Seagram’s 7 substituting for Jameson Irish Whiskey. I know you might be thinking, “Jesus Christ on a River Barge, Bads! Hiram Walker products are rot gut shit that turns your liver green!” We all have to make sacrifices during wartime, Allan.
  2. Just Say No to LaBatt’s Night: This will be every night as LaBatt’s is not served at PK Park. 

You might be asking, “Why only two promotions, Bads85?” Well, Allan, it is going to be a short war. Have you seen the size of Canada’s military? Their navy could fit my pool.

Another reason I have been out of touch is we had a bad windstorm last well. The welcome sign on the front door blew off and crushed our yard gnome named Austin. Poor Austin. He had only been in our family for a little over a week, but he had grown close to us. Now he is gone, in dozens of pieces. Rumor has it that his brother Arliss is on his way to avenge his brother’s death. Apparently, there is a world shortage of yard gnomes right now because of COVID and the Suez Canal blockage. Have I not suffered enough in this wretched life? I did order a statue of a T-Rex eating yard gnomes from Amazon. I am sure my wife will love it.

Are the Emeralds any closer to finalizing a time/place for the home opener? The people in Pasco are not going to have fun at the Ems’ expense, are they? I have never traveled to Pasco, but I have been through Nebraska, and I hear it is similar. The Dust Devils are owned by the George Brett, who owns the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes, who nobody really likes.I hope the Dust Devils are not that way. By the way, if you ever receive a grainy security camera video of some dude dropping a bag of dog poo on season ticket holder of LoanMart Field, it was not me.

I watched the Emeralds’ excellent new promotional video. Dude, Squatch need a new costume. I know money is tight, but we live in a GoFundMe world. More importantly, the fan experience in that video was much better than the experience I had in the quiet drizzle of Opening Night a few years ago. I feel cheated. Since I am spiritually wealthy, I have no need for a refund, but let’s try for more consistency this year. Right now my fan experience rankings of the High A West would be:

  1. Everett
  2. Eugene
  3. Vancouver
  4. Hillsboro
  5. Spokane
  • Have not been to Pasco.

Let’s try to get the Ems to #1.

Your friend in baseball,


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