Dear Allan Boyd [General Manager; Vancouver Canadians]:
I hope you have acclimated yourself to you temporary stadium for this season, Ron Tonkin Field. As baseball stadiums go, I am sure you will find it to be a wonderful travel ball park, but nothing like the historic Scotiabank Field at Nat Bailey Stadium in beautiful Vancouver, British Columbia. Ron Tonkin was not really designed for the gruel a full season, but thanks to Bobby Manfred’s minor league restructuring, here we are.
I write you today to promote an endeavor that would be mutually beneficial to you and me. I see that your organization is in need of a Public Address voice for your home, and I just happen to have the most unheralded voice in minor league baseball. You might not have heard of me, being from across the border, but I a wizened minor league road warrior who is sort of a big deal on certain circuits.
My voice is so powerful that Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] has instructed employees to not let me near a live mic because I have the voice of a thousand horny angels, I think he is still a little sore that during a Toyota promotion a few years ago I said if I won a Tundra, I would drive it to the local GMC dealership to get a real truck. I have a very honed ability to quickly whip large crowns into a bloodlust frenzy, which as you certainly know, is vital in minor league baseball in order to make those thirty second corporate ad spots COME ALIVE.
From the California League to the Carolina League, al the way up to the NY Penn League and Eastern League, through the Midwest and Pioneer League and back down to Pacific Coast League, I have brought crowds to their feet, often without a mic, just me taking command of the situation. In 2014, I made put the Something in Nothing Night at San Manuel Stadium. As the man on the radio says, I danced with happily ever after the ever after. The Myrtle Beach Pelicans installed a brick with my name on in their stadium, and I am not set to visit there for the first time until June. I brought the house down in Kinston in 2019. Way back in the Aughts, I inspired a family of skunks in Erie to learn to speak so they could hang out with me.
You might be thinking, “Wow, Bads85, you would suspend your travels as a minor league ambassador to come work for us?” No, of course not — I would be working remotely. COVID stipulations are going to limit human interaction at parks, so remote is the wave all the smart minor league executives like Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] are embracing. Technology will allow me to be sitting in a luxury box in Charleston making PA calls in Hillsboro. For example, every time a Canadian makes am error, I could say. “And the tanks are rolling, and there is nothing the Mounties can do because of the lack of true air support from the Royal Canadian Air Force.”
I have noticed your organization has not released a promotional schedule. Do you need assistance? Promotions are also my bag — they are how I cut my teeth in the minors. I certainly hope you are having Thirsty Thursdays, which are expected in the United States. Failure to do so would be considered an act of war, and trust me, there are all sorts of unregulated militia in Eastern Oregon and Idaho that are just looking for an excuse to annex Calgary. Reduced beer prices on Thursdays will prevent an international incident, as would Taco Tuesdays. Here are some nightly promotions you could easily implement:
- Tim Horton Must Die Night: Canadians’ fans of all ages can enjoy real coffee instead of that recycled motor oil that Canada’s number one coffee chains serves, Adults can spice up their coffee with discounted shots of Jamison.
- Queen of Rum Row Night: Celebrate Vancouver’s Prohibition liquor running days by paying respect to the Malahat, the five mast schooner than delivered more contraband than Al Capone. Discounted alcoholic beverages across the board.
- Willy Pickton Bacon Night: Commemorate Canada’s most prolific serial killer who used to dispose of his victim’s bodies on his pig farm known as the Piggy Palace Good Times Society, Numerous bacon dishes will be offered as well as drink specials so Americans can feel better knowing that psycho killers reside in other countries also.
I need to wrap this up because tomorrow is another big day of planning for me. There is a very good chance that I will attend your home opener as my travels will bring me to Oregon. I was supposed to attend the Eugene Emerald’s home opener on the same date, but apparently the stadium is double booked, and as you well know, time waits for no man in the minor leagues.
Your friend in baseball,