Dead Religions

Dear Austin [Vice President; Sales& Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

It has been a few days since we have exchanged missives. I have been extremely busy as new opportunities have come into my life. I was not too busy to wear my ‘Peckers hat to the California Winter League this weekend in Palm Springs. I must say I looked smashing, and the hat received many appreciative glances. More than a few people asked me just what the bloody hell the “F” stood for, so I told them of our mighty ‘Peckers.

It was a glorious day that went well into the night with plenty of cucumber tequila shots. I am pretty sure the guy buying most of those shots was the commissioner of the league, but his picture in the program does not exactly look like the guy at the bar last night. Some guy claiming to be the mayor of Palm Springs keeps texting me today to talk about bringing a California League team back to Palm Springs. I remember that conversation, but not the mayor being there. Whatever the case, many a glass was raised to “Fear the Wood! Respect The ‘Pecker!”

You might be asking yourself just what is the California Winter League. Well, it a showcase league for the Frontier League, so it is an arena of carnage. This place is no testament to courage; it is a striking reminder than sometimes hopes and dreams must be put to bed. Still, for one more month, these players get a few more days in the sun in a stadium that has seen much better days before the Reality Anvil crushes their heads. It also allows snowbirds to pretend they are at spring training as the sit on aluminum bleachers to root for players who are going to be selling dishwashers at Best Buy come April.

Yesterday was a busy day as I also became an official candidate for an assistant GM position with the Quad City River Bandits. I have been corresponding with their GM, and she obviously recognized my brilliance as she asked for my first name and told me to send her a resume. I found that very forward as most front offices play hard to get. I explained to her that I was not really interested in the assistant GM job, but would prefer to be her special assistant from a remote location because I just not commit to one organization.

Speaking of other organizations, the 66ers released their 2019 promotion schedule to the public today, and I must it is very unimpressive. It I almost and if they just cut and pasted last year’s while changing few bobbleheads. How many Faith and Family Nights must we have before we learn that church groups negatively affect beer sales? No one brings their dog to San Manuel Stadium, but every Monday is still “Bring Fido to the Park so the “G” Street Hobos Can Dream of Meat.”

Let’s talk about your organization since it still has not released its complete promotion schedule. Perhaps the delay in your release is a blessing in your disguise as now we can interject more adult themes. The wholesome family atmosphere MiLB is trying to foist on America is resulting in decline attendance across the land. We must turn put the outlaw back in the minors. How many Star Wars promotions are we going to have before we accept that Han Solo is dead? If Han solo had gone to a strip club instead of walking across that bridge to talk with Kylo Ren, maybe he would still be alive today. We should have a Stripper Night to honor this alternate reality. Or as the call them in Fayetteville, exotic dancers. 

I see there is a Showgirls on Bragg Boulevard — and a Secrets. You should reconnoiter those places for recruits. Take pictures for future reference. Lots of pictures. Get on a first name basis wit the help, and then make sure you expense this. Actually, this is a terrible plan. Make an intern do it, and ensure there is no paper trail. In fact, get an intern from another club, preferably one of those Winston-Salem Dash guys.

I have to go — the mayor of Palm Springs (or someone pretending to be) keeps texting, wanting stadium renovation financials.These Annapolis grads are relentless. I am not sure about this guy’s sense of humor either. This might be a finesse job.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: The world needs more frozen banana stands, don’t you agree?

Dear Jacqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits]:

Thanks you for your reply. I apologize for the delay in my response, but sometimes life comes at you fast. Yesterday was one of those fulfilling days, but more on that in a minute. First, allow me to address your request for my first name. Perhaps I am old fashioned, but is not that a little bold of you? We have just made our first acquaintance, and now you are asking a minor league outlaw his first name. Look, I know you are a busy person, and the frustration of not having an assistant GM slipped through in your missive, but let us not race towards disaster in haste.

I suppose if you are asking this of me, then I am now an official candidate for the assistant GM, so I have that going for me, which will make GM Joe of the Inland Empire 66ers insanely jealous. Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] is probably going to feel a bit hurt also. And that kid from the Peoria Chiefs might not send me the promotional shot glass after all, but sometimes the price of progress is steep.

I might even put this “official candidate for the Assistant GM of the Quad City River Bandits” thing on my resume’ since you are requesting one of those. However, in the minors a resume’ is really nothing more than the indelible marks that are the tattoos on our soul. Narratives are the bullet points, not work experience and where one earned their degrees. Slamming shots of Fireball on the mayor of Cooperstown’s porch with baseball writing royalty while sharing oral tradition is far more important than formal education. That being said, I have boatloads of all that too. I am a lifelong learners who has earned post graduate credit throughout this fine country.

How about a compromise? I will share with you my California League nickname, which is Thaddeus, who is the patron saint of lost causes in some religions. A fellow Cal League fan with the moniker of Bongwater christened me with that name during the special season of 2014, and it sort of stuck in certain social circles (he is called Bongwater because one night instead of passing a flask of bourbon, he passed a flask of bongwater). As for the resume’, yes, I can send you it as long you promise me you will not be intimidated by the quality of schooling and expanse of experience. I would like to say that I am just a simple man, but I think we both know in our hearts that is not accurate.

Also, please remember I am not really applying for the assistant GM position, but the position of your special assistant on assignment. I just cannot uproot my life to move to Davenport, although I hear the local yacht club is exquisite. I have too many irons in too many fires. Why just yesterday, I embarked on a quest to return a California League team to Palm Springs. Along the way, I discovered a dilapidated stadium, and something called the California Winter League, which is basically month long audition to make the Frontier League. I may or may not have dropped your name over drinks with Andrew Starke, the commissioner of this league.

Hey, speaking of that, I have a wonderful suggestion for relief from the stress that walks hand in hand with running a minor league team: Chili cucumber tequila shots! These things will change your life; they already radically altered mine. Now the mayor of Palm Springs is involved in correspondence, wanting to know how he can help with stadium renovations (uh, Mayor Moon, you can start with getting rid of the hobos in the park).

I know you want more of a commitment, which is why you should continue searching for an assistant GM while I shoot you invaluable advice and expert data analysis from a remote location. Sure, it is not conventional, but conventional thought is what has led to the attendance decline in minor league baseball, fueled largely in part by a dependency in group sales while neglecting fan retention.

Anyway, I will send you my resume, but do not let the frustrations get you down. As a last resort you can always hire Aris Theofanopoulos of the Tennessee Smokies.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Put some limon chili pepper on the rim of the shot glass when you shoot the cucumber tequila.

Dear Hollee Haines [Director of Group Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Hey Gurl,
The Lake Elsinore Storm released their 2019 Promotional Schedule today, meaning they scooped your organization. Their cash registers are ringing today while yours are almost certainly silent. This never would have happened if Adam [Former Director of Promotions, IE 66ers] was still on the job. It also would not have happened if I were on the payroll. Since the Promotional Schedule has been done for weeks, I cannot even begin to imagine why GM Joe sat on this. I hope all is well with him, but I am beginning to suspect he has developed a heroin addiction dues to the stress of working for the Elmore Sports Mafia.

Let us examine a hard truth: The California League is in the shitter. Recently, two franchises left to establish operations in the hinterlands of North Carolina. The Astros were willing to play two years in Buies Creek, averaging about 350 fans a night in attendance. While many California natives would argue that is a small price to pay to get the #### out of Lancaster, they obviously wanted out from the yoke of David Elmore.

Growth is a thing of the past in the Cal League. A stadium has not been built in the league since 2005 when Stockton opened up Banner Island Park, a project that helped propel the city into bankruptcy. Attendance has been declining for years, and there are only eight teams left to continue to proud California League tradition. Meanwhile, Emperor David (ED) plays his fiddle as the Agricultural Freeway bakes. Franchises wither as pigs procreate in Visalia and Modesto, and large population centers remain untapped because no one will build a privately financed stadium.

Who can we turn to in these troubled times for our savior now that ED is a broken man from his failed efforts to get a stadium funded in Bakersfield? The dude’s flagship team is now in Amarillo, so we can no longer look to him to take us to the promised land. Instead, we must turn to the Soboba Tribe, who desperately want to be like the San Manuel Tribe. As you well know though, the San Manuel Tribe has exclusive rights to the 66ers, so we are talking high wire acts of espionage here. Personally, I say we delegate these duties to some capable young guns who do not know any better, but do you know what all these local tribes want? Firearms.

We can table this for another discussion though. We have more burning issues, like what is the status of the full liquor license at the stadium? It is going to be hard to have Fireball Fridays without a full liquor license, and Irish Car Bomb Monday, Gorilla Fart Tuesdays, Everclear Wednesdays, Corpse Reviver Thursdays, and Jagerbomb Saturdays will never get off the ground unless the city gives us what we covet. The organization spent a great deal of stadium maintenance money on the new bar, and it will never receive a return on its investment with only InBev products. Hey, what shots would be good with bacon bits? Hint: ALL OF THEM!

I hope group early group sales are going well because I seriously doubt fan retention is, especially with the lack of a promotion schedule. The biggest fly in the ointment with fan retention is the long concession lines due to an antiquate stadium structure. There is not much we can do on that front except set up hotdog and soda carts down the concourse foul lines to alleviate the pressure on the main concession stands. More beer stands never hurt a stadium either, but you need to get GM Joe of the Hangar 24 teat.

Anyway, I need to cut this short because the general manager of the Quad City River Bandits keeps asking for advice.

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

PS: Carlsbad. Now there is a place for Cal League expansion.

Dear Austin [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

I must say I was a little disappointed that I did not receive an invitation to the stadium naming ceremony yesterday, but then I saw the picture from the press conference, and you were not in it, so I didn’t feel so neglected. Also, once again I realized just how short Mark Zarthar, the president of you club, really is. Can you give him a noogie from good ol’ Bads85? Does he have the crooked hands of a money lender? I am starting to wonder about that guy, being the Natty Light Prince and all.

I see Mayor Mitch was there — do you think his funeral home is going to get some fast internet speeds now that Segra is the big dog in town? It would be nice to go to a wake there and be able to stream a live broadcast of some ACC football. Being a devout REDBLACKS, I appreciate the all capital letters SEGRA name for the stadium. All caps names just sort of burn an impression in one’s retinas, and scarred retinas are kind of like tattoos on the soul. I am sure this company will solve the Last Mile problem very soon and are by no means a shell company looking to fleece consumers.

I have been very busy of late. Apparently, the Quad Cities River Bandits are very interested in hiring me as a remote special assistant, so if their GM contacts you, please tell her kind things about me. I have told her all about the ‘Pecker rebranding (except the part of mistakenly using a derogatory term for dumb white people), and she seems impressed. I worry she might have a cocaine problem though. I have also taken a young man working for the Peoria Chiefs under my wing in exchange for a promotional shot glass, and my struggle against Professional Sports Management has reached city hall in Peoria, Arizona. I also continue to do pro bono work the the 66ers because the contract negotiations are still ongoing.

Hey, did you know your team’s official web page sucks ass? I hope you are not paying the person who is in charge of that too much. There are still links to Buies Creek in your news feed. Austin, Buies Creeks is not the team for me; the ‘Peckers are. You might want t have some address this issue as nothing screams poor minor league operations like a neglected web page — just ask the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes. Buies Creek is dead, man. Dead. The time your organization spent there was the nadir of minor league baseball attendance. When you get your ass kicked by Beloit, well, you are in the wrong town.

I see the Carolina League All Star Game will be played in Frederick this year. Have you ever been there? It is like a Norman Rockwell painting, except the people alive and living in the 21st century. I will not be able to attend because I will be taking impoverished youths to Europe the week because as you well know, I am a giver. Even if I would not be hiking i the Swiss Alps that day, I would not be in Frederick because the California League All Star Game is in San Bernardino at San Manuel Stadium, the home of the Inland Empire 66ers. GM Joe is using that game as an excuse to hike season ticket prices by fifty dollars. I love the man, but sometimes I want to beat his ass to bring justice to the peasants, but then I remember that peasants are usually dirty, lice filled creatures that want what is rightfully mine. At least the hobos are content to stay near the lake in the park.

Speaking of what is rightfully mine, the Lake Elsinore Storm is having an Anti-Prohibition Night this year in which they are tuning their stadium into a large speakeasy. I know this because unlike your organization, they have released their 2019 Promotion Schedule. I am sure the ‘Peckers will release theirs any day now.

Well, I need to go do some good in the world, so I am going to let you go. You have a wonderful day.

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

PS: Do you think a Sex Dungeon AirBnB would be successful?

Dear Jacqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits]:

I have some inquiries about the Assistant General Manager position your organization is currently flying. As the unofficial assistant to General Manager Joe Hudson of the Inland Empire 66ers, I am vastly overqualified for your position, but I am intrigued by a few things.

First of all, why is Andrew Chesser’s picture and bio still listed on your team’s web page? Do you know how many perspective applicants that neckbeard scared away? No wonder you are still scrambling that position in February. This is the time that your front office should be releasing the promotional schedule, not looking for your assistant. Update that page immediately, lest all your future applicants will be on the last stages of the Losers’ Shuffle – broken candidates who found the lights of Reno to be too bright, but cannot pass a background check to get position in Clinton.

Secondly, if I were to take your position, could I work remotely? Like I said, I am more than qualified for this job. You see, while my main loyalties are with the 66ers, I contract myself out. Currently, I am assisting the Fayetteville Woodpeckers with their rebrand. I have convinced them to drop the cumbersome “wood” in name and commit to directly to the ‘Pecker. “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” is the new battle cry in North Carolina. Yes, there is a bit of an innuendo there, but in those parts you are competing with bass fishing to sell t-shirts, so sometimes you have to embrace the broheim. We would never do anything like that at Modern Woodmen’s Park.

I really do not need to be in an office to get my creative juices flowing. I’ve been on the minor league circuit for quite some time, not because I need to be, but because I want to be. I don’t measure wealth in monetary fashion, but you should see where I live, atop Snob Hill in a quaint Southern California community filled with Old Money. I am still bouncing around the minors because of my love of oral tradition. Plus, modern technology allows me to be in contact with my co-workers whenever I want. GM Joe knows this, and sometimes that cad leaves his headset near the radar gun because he gets overwhelmed by my genius.

Your park is known for three things:  the ferris wheel, the flooding, and the way go guys pack the park for your educations days, which appear to be tied in with school children reading. I commend you for the reading promotions because a child with a book in his hand is much less likely to develop a cocaine problem in middle school than one who roams the streets all day, looking for hobos to roll. How are you guys so successful? In San Bernardino (the home of the 66ers, but not Bads85!), teachers just cannot seem to keep their kids away from hobo rolling, which is why The Dino is a picture of Modern Urban Decay.

So let’s say I did accept this position for which I am overqualified. Do you know the Four Gospels of Minor League Ball? Fresh Promotions. Group Sales. Customer Retention. Corporate Sponsorship. Unfortunately in our business, the young guns of late only want to concentrate on group sales and corporate sponsorship because that is the quick money. If I did help you out from afar, I promise I would help your organization pay attention to all four gospels.

Hey, did you know there is a guy in the Quad Cities area that works for the Astros and earned a World Series ring? Yeah, he is some numbers cruncher who never really played baseball, but realized Baseball Prospectus’ PECOTA was all jacked up, which led to the Matt Weiters projection fiasco. He and I are pretty tight. In fact, one might say I taught him all he knows about character arc and plot development in the vastly underrated Solo. I might be coming to you area to have dinner with him this summer. Perhaps you can get us a luxury box at the game, even if you do not offer me the assistant GM position.

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

PS: One of my other skills is creating killer playlists that your PA Dude could use for walkup music.

Dear Stephen [Director of Marketing & Game Presentation; Peoria Chiefs]:

Thank you for you quick and candid response. I respect your organization’s policy and would never jeopardize your position. I still covet one of your shot glasses though as I collect shot glasses from minor league parks all around the country and store them in a freezer on my bar. If one were to “accidentally” fall of the truck and find its way into your desk drawer, please keep me in mind. If that did happen, I am sure I could arrange a donation to your favorite charity. Guess what my current favorite charity is? Stephen Brown’s checking account (wink wink).

However, I would never question your integrity and understand your Hoosier work ethic. I grew up in the Indianapolis area many years ago (Mt. Vernon, Class of ’85), but moved away when I left for college. I go back to Indy about once a year to punish my liver with the degenerates with whom I attended high school. Victory Field is always a destination. Did you know that you used to be able to get a haircut and shaves at the game in the third base concourse? I think the barber shop that sponsored that event went out of business. Most of the time when that happens, narcotic trafficking is involved because the demand for haircuts remains static over the passing of time.

I completely understand your policy because too many fat cat season ticket holders do not bother to attend the games, but demand their giveaways. We call them Bobblehead Vultures out here in California. Policies like this are good because they foster the illusion that the Common Fan has a chance to get the giveaways, but only if they line up hours before the gates open. Meanwhile season ticket holders are allowed entrance thirty minutes before the main gate opens to snare their giveaway. This benign form of classism is an example of why America is great. Trick the little guy into thinking he is on a level playing field, but keep the prize just out of his reach!

Sometimes my Hoosier friends join me in the Cactus League—well, the ones who have not been 86’ed from the trip for their unruly behavior. Just last year, my childhood friend Drex joined us, and we had an epic adventure. I joined him later in the year at the Indy 500, and we barely survived Carb Day, but muscled through the race. Little Bouncing Baby Jesus on a pogo stick, it was hot in Indy last May. I was in your neck of the woods when I was heading out to airport – hey, you were not the young kid who cut me off, were you?

Closer inspection of your promotion schedule shows that you have paired Teacher Appreciation Night with The Incredibles Night. Smart. The teachers will think they are being compared to The Incredibles. Do you know the best way to show teachers appreciation though? Pay them more. Maybe your organization can help with some labor organization with your local teachers’ union as your mascots already know how to form a picket line.
My Cactus League crew will be forming picket lines outside of the Peoria, AZ Sports Complex this spring because of the Beer Line Fiasco last November. It took us two innings to get a beer because there was only one beer lime in the entire place, manned by just frostbitten employee. Professional Sports Catering was in charge of this atrocity, and they have failed to respond to any request for restitution, so we are going to take this struggle to the streets.

I know you are busy man as am I. Thanks you for your immediate attention in my shot glass inquiry. I will do my best to return to your stadium this summer. I trust your beer lines will move quickly.

Your Friend in baseball,
Bads85

PS: Hey, I see your organization is on the road for Memorial Day Weekend. Perhaps you will be able to get back to Indy for the race. If so, be careful driving. Cutting off people can lead to collisions.