Austin and I Catch Up

Dear Austin [Vice President; Sales& Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

It has been a few days since we have exchanged missives. I have been extremely busy as new opportunities have come into my life. I was not too busy to wear my ‘Peckers hat to the California Winter League this weekend in Palm Springs. I must say I looked smashing, and the hat received many appreciative glances. More than a few people asked me just what the bloody hell the “F” stood for, so I told them of our mighty ‘Peckers.

It was a glorious day that went well into the night with plenty of cucumber tequila shots. I am pretty sure the guy buying most of those shots was the commissioner of the league, but his picture in the program does not exactly look like the guy at the bar last night. Some guy claiming to be the mayor of Palm Springs keeps texting me today to talk about bringing a California League team back to Palm Springs. I remember that conversation, but not the mayor being there. Whatever the case, many a glass was raised to “Fear the Wood! Respect The ‘Pecker!”

You might be asking yourself just what is the California Winter League. Well, it a showcase league for the Frontier League, so it is an arena of carnage. This place is no testament to courage; it is a striking reminder than sometimes hopes and dreams must be put to bed. Still, for one more month, these players get a few more days in the sun in a stadium that has seen much better days before the Reality Anvil crushes their heads. It also allows snowbirds to pretend they are at spring training as the sit on aluminum bleachers to root for players who are going to be selling dishwashers at Best Buy come April.

Yesterday was a busy day as I also became an official candidate for an assistant GM position with the Quad City River Bandits. I have been corresponding with their GM, and she obviously recognized my brilliance as she asked for my first name and told me to send her a resume. I found that very forward as most front offices play hard to get. I explained to her that I was not really interested in the assistant GM job, but would prefer to be her special assistant from a remote location because I just not commit to one organization.

Speaking of other organizations, the 66ers released their 2019 promotion schedule to the public today, and I must it is very unimpressive. It I almost and if they just cut and pasted last year’s while changing few bobbleheads. How many Faith and Family Nights must we have before we learn that church groups negatively affect beer sales? No one brings their dog to San Manuel Stadium, but every Monday is still “Bring Fido to the Park so the “G” Street Hobos Can Dream of Meat.”

Let’s talk about your organization since it still has not released its complete promotion schedule. Perhaps the delay in your release is a blessing in your disguise as now we can interject more adult themes. The wholesome family atmosphere MiLB is trying to foist on America is resulting in decline attendance across the land. We must turn put the outlaw back in the minors. How many Star Wars promotions are we going to have before we accept that Han Solo is dead? If Han solo had gone to a strip club instead of walking across that bridge to talk with Kylo Ren, maybe he would still be alive today. We should have a Stripper Night to honor this alternate reality. Or as the call them in Fayetteville, exotic dancers. 

I see there is a Showgirls on Bragg Boulevard — and a Secrets. You should reconnoiter those places for recruits. Take pictures for future reference. Lots of pictures. Get on a first name basis wit the help, and then make sure you expense this. Actually, this is a terrible plan. Make an intern do it, and ensure there is no paper trail. In fact, get an intern from another club, preferably one of those Winston-Salem Dash guys.

I have to go — the mayor of Palm Springs (or someone pretending to be) keeps texting, wanting stadium renovation financials.These Annapolis grads are relentless. I am not sure about this guy’s sense of humor either. This might be a finesse job.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: The world needs more frozen banana stands, don’t you agree?

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