Dear Stephen [Director of Marketing & Game Presentation; Peoria Chiefs]:
Thank you for you quick and candid response. I respect your organization’s policy and would never jeopardize your position. I still covet one of your shot glasses though as I collect shot glasses from minor league parks all around the country and store them in a freezer on my bar. If one were to “accidentally” fall of the truck and find its way into your desk drawer, please keep me in mind. If that did happen, I am sure I could arrange a donation to your favorite charity. Guess what my current favorite charity is? Stephen Brown’s checking account (wink wink).
However, I would never question your integrity and understand your Hoosier work ethic. I grew up in the Indianapolis area many years ago (Mt. Vernon, Class of ’85), but moved away when I left for college. I go back to Indy about once a year to punish my liver with the degenerates with whom I attended high school. Victory Field is always a destination. Did you know that you used to be able to get a haircut and shaves at the game in the third base concourse? I think the barber shop that sponsored that event went out of business. Most of the time when that happens, narcotic trafficking is involved because the demand for haircuts remains static over the passing of time.
I completely understand your policy because too many fat cat season ticket holders do not bother to attend the games, but demand their giveaways. We call them Bobblehead Vultures out here in California. Policies like this are good because they foster the illusion that the Common Fan has a chance to get the giveaways, but only if they line up hours before the gates open. Meanwhile season ticket holders are allowed entrance thirty minutes before the main gate opens to snare their giveaway. This benign form of classism is an example of why America is great. Trick the little guy into thinking he is on a level playing field, but keep the prize just out of his reach!
Sometimes my Hoosier friends join me in the Cactus League—well, the ones who have not been 86’ed from the trip for their unruly behavior. Just last year, my childhood friend Drex joined us, and we had an epic adventure. I joined him later in the year at the Indy 500, and we barely survived Carb Day, but muscled through the race. Little Bouncing Baby Jesus on a pogo stick, it was hot in Indy last May. I was in your neck of the woods when I was heading out to airport – hey, you were not the young kid who cut me off, were you?
Closer inspection of your promotion schedule shows that you have paired Teacher Appreciation Night with The Incredibles Night. Smart. The teachers will think they are being compared to The Incredibles. Do you know the best way to show teachers appreciation though? Pay them more. Maybe your organization can help with some labor organization with your local teachers’ union as your mascots already know how to form a picket line.
My Cactus League crew will be forming picket lines outside of the Peoria, AZ Sports Complex this spring because of the Beer Line Fiasco last November. It took us two innings to get a beer because there was only one beer lime in the entire place, manned by just frostbitten employee. Professional Sports Catering was in charge of this atrocity, and they have failed to respond to any request for restitution, so we are going to take this struggle to the streets.
I know you are busy man as am I. Thanks you for your immediate attention in my shot glass inquiry. I will do my best to return to your stadium this summer. I trust your beer lines will move quickly.
Your Friend in baseball,
Bads85
PS: Hey, I see your organization is on the road for Memorial Day Weekend. Perhaps you will be able to get back to Indy for the race. If so, be careful driving. Cutting off people can lead to collisions.
Dead Religions 