Austin and I Catch Up

Dear Austin [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

I must say I was a little disappointed that I did not receive an invitation to the stadium naming ceremony yesterday, but then I saw the picture from the press conference, and you were not in it, so I didn’t feel so neglected. Also, once again I realized just how short Mark Zarthar, the president of you club, really is. Can you give him a noogie from good ol’ Bads85? Does he have the crooked hands of a money lender? I am starting to wonder about that guy, being the Natty Light Prince and all.

I see Mayor Mitch was there — do you think his funeral home is going to get some fast internet speeds now that Segra is the big dog in town? It would be nice to go to a wake there and be able to stream a live broadcast of some ACC football. Being a devout REDBLACKS, I appreciate the all capital letters SEGRA name for the stadium. All caps names just sort of burn an impression in one’s retinas, and scarred retinas are kind of like tattoos on the soul. I am sure this company will solve the Last Mile problem very soon and are by no means a shell company looking to fleece consumers.

I have been very busy of late. Apparently, the Quad Cities River Bandits are very interested in hiring me as a remote special assistant, so if their GM contacts you, please tell her kind things about me. I have told her all about the ‘Pecker rebranding (except the part of mistakenly using a derogatory term for dumb white people), and she seems impressed. I worry she might have a cocaine problem though. I have also taken a young man working for the Peoria Chiefs under my wing in exchange for a promotional shot glass, and my struggle against Professional Sports Management has reached city hall in Peoria, Arizona. I also continue to do pro bono work the the 66ers because the contract negotiations are still ongoing.

Hey, did you know your team’s official web page sucks ass? I hope you are not paying the person who is in charge of that too much. There are still links to Buies Creek in your news feed. Austin, Buies Creeks is not the team for me; the ‘Peckers are. You might want t have some address this issue as nothing screams poor minor league operations like a neglected web page — just ask the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes. Buies Creek is dead, man. Dead. The time your organization spent there was the nadir of minor league baseball attendance. When you get your ass kicked by Beloit, well, you are in the wrong town.

I see the Carolina League All Star Game will be played in Frederick this year. Have you ever been there? It is like a Norman Rockwell painting, except the people alive and living in the 21st century. I will not be able to attend because I will be taking impoverished youths to Europe the week because as you well know, I am a giver. Even if I would not be hiking i the Swiss Alps that day, I would not be in Frederick because the California League All Star Game is in San Bernardino at San Manuel Stadium, the home of the Inland Empire 66ers. GM Joe is using that game as an excuse to hike season ticket prices by fifty dollars. I love the man, but sometimes I want to beat his ass to bring justice to the peasants, but then I remember that peasants are usually dirty, lice filled creatures that want what is rightfully mine. At least the hobos are content to stay near the lake in the park.

Speaking of what is rightfully mine, the Lake Elsinore Storm is having an Anti-Prohibition Night this year in which they are tuning their stadium into a large speakeasy. I know this because unlike your organization, they have released their 2019 Promotion Schedule. I am sure the ‘Peckers will release theirs any day now.

Well, I need to go do some good in the world, so I am going to let you go. You have a wonderful day.

Your friend in baseball,

PS: Do you think a Sex Dungeon AirBnB would be successful?

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