Second Inquiry To Ms. Holm

Dear Jacqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits]:
     Since you have not responded to my initial inquiry about the unfilled assistant GM promotion within your organization, I can only take that to mean that you are deliberately analyzing my requests and pondering if you can afford to pay me. It might also mean you are off on a wicked cocaine binge, which would definitely make me more inclined to work with you. Let’s face it. You need me. Your organization’s average attendance has dropped 19% since 2015, which is the real reason the Beloved Neckbeard (Andrew Chesser) changed professions.
     I understand that you are looking for someone to work full time on location because that coffee is not going to fetch itself. I have a compromise – just make me your special assistant on assignment, and you can pay me under the table as the tax man completed my taxes last night, and he sternly told me that I need to reduce my taxable income (you do not receive sound advice like that from Turbo Tax’s premium service because they live in fear of THE AUDIT).
     I am sure we can come to a reasonable agreement that benefits both parties. I would be willing to work for commission, but you would have to pilfer a great amount of hot dog stand money to pay me because I create immense success wherever I go, as evidenced by the ‘Peckers of Fayetteville massive stadium naming deal announced this morning. Those guys had nothing like that before I joined their merry band of corporate raiders. Or maybe that is corporate sponsors – it is so easy to get the two confused.
     Here is the deal: At a superficial glance, that 19% decline in attendance screams a problem in fan retention. I know the weather has played havoc with your attendance numbers, but 19% is more than the floods keeping people away. I do not know if your group sales are dropping, but my bet is since you are more than ten years out from your stadium renovations, there is a feeling of malaise amongst the fan base, especially if concession prices have risen like the national trend. Many fans are only coming to your park once a year instead of two to four times like casual fans used to. You need to change that Jacqueline, and I can help you. The novelty of the ferris wheel is going away, and like the manufacturing jobs in Davenport, it ain’t coming back.
      The first remedy is lower the beer prices (yes, this is the first remedy for EVERYTHING). The craft beer revolution has led to drastic increase in stadium beer prices which has been hard on the Common Fan. Keep the craft beer prices static, but greatly lower the domestic swill while claiming a triumph for the Regular Joe and Susies. Bud Light’s successful “Dilly Dilly” campaign basically mirrors this strategy. Emulate this to get Joe Six Pack back to the ballpark, plus it will incense some craft beer chowderheads who think the world revolves around their palette, and that is good, clean fun.
      Yes, there is a possibility of an increase of alcohol related incidents, but hire extra security with the increased revenues. Hire off duty police officers who can carry weapons – people love that, plus there is cheap entertainment for other fans to see the drunks get escorted by guys with guns to a waiting Uber. Remember that is better to have people drinking in your stadium instead of pounding a twelve pack with their buddies before the game to beat those high stadium beer prices.  A happy hour before the game works well if that is not already implemented.
      The second solution is to lower the cost of staple concessions like hot dogs, pop corn, soda, etc. while charging full price for novelty items. Again, market this as championing for the common fan and family as peasants eat up that dribble like a meth freak slamming coleslaw juice from the bottom of an empty Styrofoam container. You might already do something like this, but cut prices again and MARKET MARKET MARKET.
       This is just the tip of the iceberg, and I am willing to wager you were cognizant of most of this already because of your rapid ascent to a general manager position. By now you should realize I am more than just a pretty face on the internet, so let’s get started
making a deal.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: What are your opinions on the Marvel Universe being part of the Disney empire?

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