Dear Jacqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits]:
Thanks you for your reply. I apologize for the delay in my response, but sometimes life comes at you fast. Yesterday was one of those fulfilling days, but more on that in a minute. First, allow me to address your request for my first name. Perhaps I am old fashioned, but is not that a little bold of you? We have just made our first acquaintance, and now you are asking a minor league outlaw his first name. Look, I know you are a busy person, and the frustration of not having an assistant GM slipped through in your missive, but let us not race towards disaster in haste.
I suppose if you are asking this of me, then I am now an official candidate for the assistant GM, so I have that going for me, which will make GM Joe of the Inland Empire 66ers insanely jealous. Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] is probably going to feel a bit hurt also. And that kid from the Peoria Chiefs might not send me the promotional shot glass after all, but sometimes the price of progress is steep.
I might even put this “official candidate for the Assistant GM of the Quad City River Bandits” thing on my resume’ since you are requesting one of those. However, in the minors a resume’ is really nothing more than the indelible marks that are the tattoos on our soul. Narratives are the bullet points, not work experience and where one earned their degrees. Slamming shots of Fireball on the mayor of Cooperstown’s porch with baseball writing royalty while sharing oral tradition is far more important than formal education. That being said, I have boatloads of all that too. I am a lifelong learners who has earned post graduate credit throughout this fine country.
How about a compromise? I will share with you my California League nickname, which is Thaddeus, who is the patron saint of lost causes in some religions. A fellow Cal League fan with the moniker of Bongwater christened me with that name during the special season of 2014, and it sort of stuck in certain social circles (he is called Bongwater because one night instead of passing a flask of bourbon, he passed a flask of bongwater). As for the resume’, yes, I can send you it as long you promise me you will not be intimidated by the quality of schooling and expanse of experience. I would like to say that I am just a simple man, but I think we both know in our hearts that is not accurate.
Also, please remember I am not really applying for the assistant GM position, but the position of your special assistant on assignment. I just cannot uproot my life to move to Davenport, although I hear the local yacht club is exquisite. I have too many irons in too many fires. Why just yesterday, I embarked on a quest to return a California League team to Palm Springs. Along the way, I discovered a dilapidated stadium, and something called the California Winter League, which is basically month long audition to make the Frontier League. I may or may not have dropped your name over drinks with Andrew Starke, the commissioner of this league.
Hey, speaking of that, I have a wonderful suggestion for relief from the stress that walks hand in hand with running a minor league team: Chili cucumber tequila shots! These things will change your life; they already radically altered mine. Now the mayor of Palm Springs is involved in correspondence, wanting to know how he can help with stadium renovations (uh, Mayor Moon, you can start with getting rid of the hobos in the park).
I know you want more of a commitment, which is why you should continue searching for an assistant GM while I shoot you invaluable advice and expert data analysis from a remote location. Sure, it is not conventional, but conventional thought is what has led to the attendance decline in minor league baseball, fueled largely in part by a dependency in group sales while neglecting fan retention.
Anyway, I will send you my resume, but do not let the frustrations get you down. As a last resort you can always hire Aris Theofanopoulos of the Tennessee Smokies.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Put some limon chili pepper on the rim of the shot glass when you shoot the cucumber tequila.