Sometimes Adam Is Missed

Dear Hollee Haines [Director of Group Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Hey Gurl,
The Lake Elsinore Storm released their 2019 Promotional Schedule today, meaning they scooped your organization. Their cash registers are ringing today while yours are almost certainly silent. This never would have happened if Adam [Former Director of Promotions, IE 66ers] was still on the job. It also would not have happened if I were on the payroll. Since the Promotional Schedule has been done for weeks, I cannot even begin to imagine why GM Joe sat on this. I hope all is well with him, but I am beginning to suspect he has developed a heroin addiction dues to the stress of working for the Elmore Sports Mafia.

Let us examine a hard truth: The California League is in the shitter. Recently, two franchises left to establish operations in the hinterlands of North Carolina. The Astros were willing to play two years in Buies Creek, averaging about 350 fans a night in attendance. While many California natives would argue that is a small price to pay to get the #### out of Lancaster, they obviously wanted out from the yoke of David Elmore.

Growth is a thing of the past in the Cal League. A stadium has not been built in the league since 2005 when Stockton opened up Banner Island Park, a project that helped propel the city into bankruptcy. Attendance has been declining for years, and there are only eight teams left to continue to proud California League tradition. Meanwhile, Emperor David (ED) plays his fiddle as the Agricultural Freeway bakes. Franchises wither as pigs procreate in Visalia and Modesto, and large population centers remain untapped because no one will build a privately financed stadium.

Who can we turn to in these troubled times for our savior now that ED is a broken man from his failed efforts to get a stadium funded in Bakersfield? The dude’s flagship team is now in Amarillo, so we can no longer look to him to take us to the promised land. Instead, we must turn to the Soboba Tribe, who desperately want to be like the San Manuel Tribe. As you well know though, the San Manuel Tribe has exclusive rights to the 66ers, so we are talking high wire acts of espionage here. Personally, I say we delegate these duties to some capable young guns who do not know any better, but do you know what all these local tribes want? Firearms.

We can table this for another discussion though. We have more burning issues, like what is the status of the full liquor license at the stadium? It is going to be hard to have Fireball Fridays without a full liquor license, and Irish Car Bomb Monday, Gorilla Fart Tuesdays, Everclear Wednesdays, Corpse Reviver Thursdays, and Jagerbomb Saturdays will never get off the ground unless the city gives us what we covet. The organization spent a great deal of stadium maintenance money on the new bar, and it will never receive a return on its investment with only InBev products. Hey, what shots would be good with bacon bits? Hint: ALL OF THEM!

I hope group early group sales are going well because I seriously doubt fan retention is, especially with the lack of a promotion schedule. The biggest fly in the ointment with fan retention is the long concession lines due to an antiquate stadium structure. There is not much we can do on that front except set up hotdog and soda carts down the concourse foul lines to alleviate the pressure on the main concession stands. More beer stands never hurt a stadium either, but you need to get GM Joe of the Hangar 24 teat.

Anyway, I need to cut this short because the general manager of the Quad City River Bandits keeps asking for advice.

Your friend in baseball,

PS: Carlsbad. Now there is a place for Cal League expansion.

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