Dear Jacqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits]:
I have some inquiries about the Assistant General Manager position your organization is currently flying. As the unofficial assistant to General Manager Joe Hudson of the Inland Empire 66ers, I am vastly overqualified for your position, but I am intrigued by a few things.
First of all, why is Andrew Chesser’s picture and bio still listed on your team’s web page? Do you know how many perspective applicants that neckbeard scared away? No wonder you are still scrambling that position in February. This is the time that your front office should be releasing the promotional schedule, not looking for your assistant. Update that page immediately, lest all your future applicants will be on the last stages of the Losers’ Shuffle – broken candidates who found the lights of Reno to be too bright, but cannot pass a background check to get position in Clinton.
Secondly, if I were to take your position, could I work remotely? Like I said, I am more than qualified for this job. You see, while my main loyalties are with the 66ers, I contract myself out. Currently, I am assisting the Fayetteville Woodpeckers with their rebrand. I have convinced them to drop the cumbersome “wood” in name and commit to directly to the ‘Pecker. “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” is the new battle cry in North Carolina. Yes, there is a bit of an innuendo there, but in those parts you are competing with bass fishing to sell t-shirts, so sometimes you have to embrace the broheim. We would never do anything like that at Modern Woodmen’s Park.
I really do not need to be in an office to get my creative juices flowing. I’ve been on the minor league circuit for quite some time, not because I need to be, but because I want to be. I don’t measure wealth in monetary fashion, but you should see where I live, atop Snob Hill in a quaint Southern California community filled with Old Money. I am still bouncing around the minors because of my love of oral tradition. Plus, modern technology allows me to be in contact with my co-workers whenever I want. GM Joe knows this, and sometimes that cad leaves his headset near the radar gun because he gets overwhelmed by my genius.
Your park is known for three things: the ferris wheel, the flooding, and the way go guys pack the park for your educations days, which appear to be tied in with school children reading. I commend you for the reading promotions because a child with a book in his hand is much less likely to develop a cocaine problem in middle school than one who roams the streets all day, looking for hobos to roll. How are you guys so successful? In San Bernardino (the home of the 66ers, but not Bads85!), teachers just cannot seem to keep their kids away from hobo rolling, which is why The Dino is a picture of Modern Urban Decay.
So let’s say I did accept this position for which I am overqualified. Do you know the Four Gospels of Minor League Ball? Fresh Promotions. Group Sales. Customer Retention. Corporate Sponsorship. Unfortunately in our business, the young guns of late only want to concentrate on group sales and corporate sponsorship because that is the quick money. If I did help you out from afar, I promise I would help your organization pay attention to all four gospels.
Hey, did you know there is a guy in the Quad Cities area that works for the Astros and earned a World Series ring? Yeah, he is some numbers cruncher who never really played baseball, but realized Baseball Prospectus’ PECOTA was all jacked up, which led to the Matt Weiters projection fiasco. He and I are pretty tight. In fact, one might say I taught him all he knows about character arc and plot development in the vastly underrated Solo. I might be coming to you area to have dinner with him this summer. Perhaps you can get us a luxury box at the game, even if you do not offer me the assistant GM position.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: One of my other skills is creating killer playlists that your PA Dude could use for walkup music.