Dead Religions

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

I regret to inform you that I will not be attending the culminating Wood Cup games in Kinston this week. I seriously pursued the idea, but ultimately felt my presence would overshadow the players, and this is their moment to bask in the bright lights of glory. Plus, there is that fucking hurricane working its way up the coast, and I have been watching Point Break a great deal lately, so the urge to chase the surf might have top great to ignore. Now that I am the official Thirsty Thursday Ambassador, great responsibilities now walk in hand with privilege, so I cannot just jump on a plane to North Carolina, especially with the celebrations of the 66ers leading the California League in attendance in 2019 still raging. 

Did you make it up to Fayetteville in the last week? Not too many people made it to the game today as the paid attendance in Segra Stadium was only 1,346. I do not know if any baseball will be played in North Carolina in the near future, but I hope your are well stocked with bourbon and beanie weenies. Is there a hurricane escape clause in your organization’s lease with the city of Kinston? Stay safe.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] and Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing and Communications; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

As you have probably realized by now, I did not make the trip from Southern California to Fayetteville for the first round of the Carolina League playoffs. I was seriously considering it, but Hurricane Dorian is a saucy shrew, so I did not book a flight. Once I saw your organization’s two playoff games had been reduced to a minor league double header, I realized I made the correct choice. Bads85 does not travel across the country for fourteen innings on a singular day. 

I was also thinking the tickets might be difficult to get for the game, even for a fan of my stature. Watching the second game on MiLBTV today proved that to be a fallacy. 1,346 in paid attendance? I guess Fayetteville just is not ready for the big lights of the playoffs yet, but that will change over time. Your organization might be outdrawn in the playoffs by Woodies. To be fair, Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] has been selling those tickets since I visited Historic Grainger Stadium this summer. 

Pro tip for the future: the playoffs in the minors are hard sells. Greatly reduce ticket prices and put bodies in the stands. Playoff bobbleheads work great also — the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes are having a Clayton Kershaw Bobblehead giveaway this Friday. I will not be attending because I despise their insolent fan base and aloof front office.

I am sure you also received the news that the Inland Empire 66ers honored me with an official title and stack of business cards — I am the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador, and with that comes great privilege and responsibility. Well, I think it is an official title; I have not really heard from the team since the end of the season. They are probably still celebrating being the number one organization in attendance in the California League this year. Maybe I will stop by there tomorrow to show them my nifty spreadsheet I created, a spread sheet that sorts individual game attendance by day of the week. 

I know you have the playoffs to still worry about, but have you finalized your plans to attend the Minor League Baseball Innovators Summit later this month in El Paso? I am sure Mark Zarthar [President; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] is sending you guys out there. All the best minds in the minors will be there, and maybe some drool cups from the Winston-Salem Dash. I do not think I am receiving any awards there this year, but I do not do this for recognition, but because I have a deep respect for the culture of minor league baseball. 

Hey, will Healy’s Right Field Bar be open for the MLB postseason and college football this fall? I would hate to see Healy’s battened down all the way until spring. Nothing builds a season ticket base faster than having vocals drink in the bar in the off season —- actually I do not know if that is true or not; I just made it up. It feels right though, and as you well know, my intuitions often mirror reality with stunning resolution. I do not think I can make it to Fayetteville this fall because of multiple Arizona Fall League trips planned, plus the Mexican Winter League trip in Mexicali this Veteran’s Day weekend, a trip that should be mandatory for all young minor league executives.

Are the ‘Peckers going to have a Copa de la Diversion identity next year? Because I think so highly of you guys, let me give you some more MARKETING GOLD. Adopt the Águilas Aztecas (Aztec Eagles] as your identity. These guys were the 201st Fighter Squadron of Mexico in World War II that saw combat operations in the Pacific. They flew P-47 Thunderbolts, which is a bad ass plane that will sell many, may t-shirts, especially with a screaming Aztec eagle in the cockpit.

Sometimes I give myself goosebumps with my ideas.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear George Bateman [Ticket Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Congratulations on the Inland Empire 66ers finishing first in paid attendance in the California League for 2019. Guess what, George, this is the first time the 66ers have ever led the league in per game attendance. I certainly hope the front office receives large holiday bonuses for this historic accomplishment.

Of course, it was not all wine and roses. The 66ers still dropped 3% in per game attendance from 2018 compared to the Cal League’s overall drop of 2.1%. Because I am more than just a gorgeous face, I took the liberty to crunch some numbers – you can drop these on GM Joe’s desk and take the credit, although he will probably know this is my handiwork.

2019 Average Per Game Attendance Change California League

66ers: 2,677

Ports: 2,601

Storm: 2,536

Quakes: 2,384

JHawks: 2,342

Giants: 2,317

Nuts: 2026

Rawhide: 1,899

Attendance Change California League from 2019 to 2018

66ers: -3%

Ports: -5%

Storm: -21%

Quakes: -3%

JHawks: +5%

Giants: +9%

Nuts: -2%

Rawhide: +7%

One things that pops out is the attendance leaders experienced drops from 2019 while the trailers, except for the Nuts, experienced gains The 66ers’ -3% drop isn’t necessarily a bad thing since the other leaders dropped significantly. Lake Elsinore fell through the floor despite having a playoff contender and viable minor league prospects. The 66ers baseball team was awful, completely devoid of talent and anything resembling a competent baseball team (now a five year trend), yet the organization still drew numbers near recent norms, despite horrific weather in the spring.

That is enough number talk for now. I will delve into attendance by day of week and month later. Right now, I think it is imperative that the 66ers remain in the local news. Perhaps someone should leak a rumor to the local newspapers that the 66ers are looking to move to Palm Springs or Fontana. People will freak out, and the charismatic GM Joe can smooth things over with the press, then his ruggedly handsome picture can be plastered all over the media. Make sure it is a picture with Joe wearing one of those sharp 2019 California All Star League polos – you know, the one I have not received yet even though I was technically part of the historic 2019 attendance run.

Also, you should clamor to get the entire front office to attend Minor League Baseball Innovators Summit later this month in El Paso. On the way back to the 909, we can all stop at the Arizona Fall League to disseminate all the new information we learned at the workshops. This is where MilB awards the Golden Bobbleheads. I could get every 66ers promotion in 20202 nominated for a Golden Bobbleheads because I have skills. Mad skills.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Mike Abramson [General Manager; Hartford Yard Goats]:

Good day, sir, and congratulations to your organization for an outstanding season attendance wise, drawing an average of 6,193 per game in a stadium with an official capacity go 6,127 (maximum capacity 6,850). That is keynote speaker material at the Minor League Baseball Innovators Summit later this month in El Paso. Do not feel bad if you did not get invited to speak though as often minor league baseball politics trumps merit at the convention.

You may not of heard of me, but I am kind of a big deal on certain minor league circuits. Officially, I am now the Inland Empire 66ers’ Thirsty Thursday Ambassador — I think it is official — General Manager Joe Hudson gave me a stack of business cards with the team logo and my title in Fan Appreciation Night, although we never finalized a formal contract because of the copious alcohol consumption that night. However, my duties are not limited to Thirsty Thursday or to the 66ers. I travel from park to park across the land, hobnobbing with minor league executives, helping to improve the overall experience of minor league ball in these troubling times of continued attendance decline. 

This summer, I threw out a first pitch in Kinston, NC at the request of Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads], and drank top shelf liquor in the air conditioned Aevex Veteran’s Club at Segra Stadium through an invitation from Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales and Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] and Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing and Communications; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]. I visited twenty minor league parks this summer, including Dunkin Donuts Park in Hartford. Even though I was spread sort of thin, the 66ers led the California League in attendance, no doubt in part because of my appearances at San Manuel Stadium in San Bernardino, California.

I did not attend a game in your fine palace of product placement, but I hung out in your team store for a while on a game day, purchasing some of your excellent team merchandise and sharing stories of the road with your two young employees working the counter that day. I am sure I left a lasting impression on the youths because that is just how I roll. We did not stay for a game because we had a game to attend in Manchester that night. The horseshoe bar in Northeast Delta Dental Stadium is legendary, plus there were some rather scary looking women in yoga attire chopping peanuts with a razor across the street, and snorting the powder into their nostrils while cackling about fascist reactions to peanut allergies. Or maybe that was in Norwich; things tend to blend together when you are on an 11,000 mile baseball road trip. I do remember the city of Hartford’s 4.5 million’s yearly bond payment feeling oppressive, so we moved on with no regrets. 

I would like to return to your outstanding stadium to see a Yard Goats’ game rather than sneaking through a gate to capture some pictures on the concourse like I did this year, perhaps even as early as next season. I do have a very pertinent question though. Does your team have an exclusive deal with Dunkin Donuts? Theoretically, could the concession stands serve Tim Horton’s?

Look as you probably know, like you, I sold my soul to Dunkin Donuts a long time ago, but the maple donuts that Tim Horton’s offer are so superior, plus I had a little incident in Boston. I told the kid at DD that his company could learn a great deal about making donuts from the Vietnamese. Apparently, they are not open to constructive criticism there because HOLY SHIT SHOW! Even the homeless vet outside the store has something to say about this suggestion. I was able to contain the situation because I know when discussing matters with Bostonians, it is important to shower them with praise to assuage both their ego and insecurities. For instance, one might say, “Wow, you have really overcome that Southie accent, and it is only noticeable when you get so mad you facial tick flares up.” You know what is great fun to tell people from Massachusetts? “You aren’t are liberal. You are just a Kennedy Democrat.”

Anyway, I need to get going because so many clubs need help with their minor league promotional schedules, and the planning starts now. I am sure we will be in touch this offseason.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Grant Riddle [Vice President/General Manager; Rancho Cucamonga Quakes]:

I attended my final Rancho Cucamonga Quakes’ game of the season this weekend, and it was as miserable as experience as the other nine games I attended this year as part mini-season ticket package, so I suppose I must applaud your organization for its consistency. Being a minor league road warrior, I have been to twenty minor league parks this season from El Paso, TX to Norwich, CT, and I must say my time at LoanMart Field was the least pleasurable. However, it was not the summer’s most disappointing experience, which would be Galaxy’s End at Disneyland, so your organization does have that going for it.

Since I am just gushing with positivity, let me note two things your organization did improve upon since April. First, and most importantly, the beer lines are much shorter. That might be just because people are tired of paying $9.00 for a Bud Light draft in a plastic cup, but the servers are very competent and friendly. Secondly, your organization has greatly improved the merchandise in the team store. Oh, there are still some gaudy items left over from a 90’s aerobics class, but there are some new items that actually resemble clothing from this decade.

One thing that must improve before the playoffs are your employee shirts. Look, Grant, they are dressed like hobos that have been dumpster diving for weeks. Those green t-shirts were hideous at the season’s start, and they have not help up well in the wash — they aged more in a few months than Iggy Pop’s face has his entire life. They are faded, worn, and reek of the depression only a dying summer can bring. Spring for some nice polos so your hard working employees do not look like slobs that live in a tent community behind the Bass Pro Shop. 

You see, Grant, your employees are your organization’s best asset. They work their asses off in  congested stadium designed by the Mad Hatter. They remain courteous and sincerely cheerful, despite constantly dealing with an entitled fan base that really should be shot into the sun, even though your organization makes dresses them in rags gypsies would not wear. Invest a bit in your employees; they deserve it. 

Normally, a customer as dissatisfied as me would not renew his season ticket package, but not only am I a minor league ambassador, but I am also a watchdog. I plan on being around next year also just to keep an eye on your organization to ensure you are not shitting on the California League. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers] and Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

As of now, the 66ers are atop the Cal League attendance leader board for the 2019 campaign, even though the team will probably have the worst record in the California League because the Los Angeles Angels are rather lousy at player development these days. It is time to look forward though. The Stockton Ports, who will host the 2020 California League All Star Game, have already released their schedule for next year, and the Lake Elsinore Storm are handing out their 2020 schedule on commemorative beverage glasses during their final home stand this weekend. Meanwhile, the 66er’s Twitter account has been dormant since Monday.

As you certainly know by now, Joe Hudson [General Manager, Inland Empire 66ers] presented me a stack of business cards with my name and title with your organization. It is almost as if we are co-workers now, except I answer only to the wind (and my wife). I have yet to have a formal meeting with GM Joe to discuss my responsibilities, compensation, and the code of conduct to which I must adhere, but I can tell you this: when the dugout shitter is clogged, no one is calling me.

While your compatriots in the front office have most certainly have been working diligently this week on mothballing San Manuel Stadium for the offseason, I have been analyzing data to explain attendance trends. I am not ready to share that information yet because the minor league regular season is not over, except in the Florida State League, which very few people attend anyway. Instead, I thought I would share some really bad promotional ideas for shits and giggles.

1. Put Your Dog Down Monday: Since Bark at the Park has been a disaster for years at San Manuel Stadium because only a sadist would bring their healthy dog to a game in San Bernardino, let’s put that anemic promotion to beat him style. Fans who have dogs that have outlived their usefulness as a pet can bring Fido and Spike to the park for the deep sleep. We can get local veterinarians to perform the mercy killings, dispose of the remains, then put a 66ers’ emblem on the dog collar so the owner can forever the moment and place where their pet  moved onto the next world.
2. Bring All Your Baby Mamas To The Park: What could be better on Fathers’ Day than for fans to bring all their children and their biological mothers to a baseball game? Give the mothers 50% alcohol discounts because they have earned it, plus the action in the stands will be better than the product on the field.
3. High School Letterman Jacket Night: 50% off ticket prices for anyone wears their letter jacket to the game. Make sure this promotion in in the middle of July so these douchebros will sweat. Invite them on the field and have fans in the stands purchase eggs to pelt the letter jacket dudes. All proceeds go to local high school sports (after our cut for beer).
4. Shiv Your Neighbor Night: Have a Build a Shank station in the right field pavilion, then let human nature take its course. 
5. Pop Your Pimples Night: Every inning on the the dugouts lucky 66ers’ interns will be squeezing the pus out of clogged pours of the fortunate fans chosen to be in this contest. Special bonus points for cysts.

On that note I must cut it short because while your season is over, my ambassador duties never end. I am off to Rancho to take care of some unfinished business with Professional Sports Catering.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

Yes, Twitter trolls are the worse. You know why? Because Twitter is where muses go to die by getting tossed into a wood chipper. Fayetteville trolls dissing Kinston for poverty is akin to Idi Amin lecturing Joseph Stalin on murdering citizens. As you well, I know I visited Fayetteville this summer, and It isn’t exactly Beverly Hills. The City Square is still a slave trader block, and the primary employers are an army base, the school district, the hospital , and Wal-Mart. The crowning cultural achievement is the Special Operations Museum (it is bad ass though). Don’t even get me started about the hipsters and their little shops and restaurants downtown.

I do know the West Coast Down East Ducks Backers; Sons of Vengeance Chapter are eagerly waiting the release of your new Copa de la Diversion brand next year. Some are upset that they did not purchase their Patos Joyuyos gear while it was still in stock, but let that be a hard lesson to them that minor league merchandise waits for no man, so one better purchase what they like when one initially sees it. I am glad to see the Collard Greens will be back next season, and I applaud you separating yourself from the old Indians as anyone who retains ties with Cleveland usually withers, strangled by failed dreams and unrealistic expectations from the past.

The 66ers have one of the most popular Copa brands (El Cucuy, the monster under the bed), but finished the season stuck with way too much El Cucuy merchandise that did not sell, mainly because of that obnoxious neon yellow color that Minor League Baseball associated with Latin culture. One of my first goals as Thirsty Thursday Ambassador will be to tweak the El Cucuy nights to make them much more fan interactive, and by that I mean scaring the shit out of people, especially the weak and the frail. No place in the stadium will be safe from El Cucuy leaping from the shadows. When people are looking over their shoulders at the relish dispenser, you know you have them, and t-shirt sales are about to spike.

As for post season revenues, I think it is garbage that the lesser teams get the two initial home dates. Say the Woodies sweep the’ Peckers in the first round. Do you split the gate receipts with those ‘Peckers in Fayetteville, or do they get full receipts for their home games? If so, you probably head to Fayetteville to make sure their attendance count is accurate as the Astros are often dicks about things. If you drop my name to Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing & Communications], I am sure you will be treated like royalty. Others maybe not so much has I might be a polarizing figure in their front office these days. Of all the front office people I met on my trip this year, Ben is the guy I would hire first when I win the Power Ball thingy and purchase the 66ers – well, besides you of course. And the kid in the Hartford Yard Goats’ team shop. I’d just have to create a position for GM Joe.

Speaking of job openings, the 66ers’ Assistant GM just left to pursue opportunities outside of baseball. Quitter.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

I am sure have have heard the big news by now because the word spreads fast in the minors, but last night at Fan Appreciation Night with the Inland Empire 66ers, Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] presented me with a stack of business cards with my name (Bads85), the team logo, and my new official position [66ers’ Thirsty Thursday Ambassador]. It was a poignant moment that left no eye dry in the house. As you well know from first hand experience, I certainly deserve this title and these spiffy cards. Have no fear though as I did not sign an exclusivity clause, so I can still correspond with other teams like the Down East Wood Ducks. 

I am not sure of the other particulars of my contract as the festivities of Fan Appreciation Night did not allow GM Joe to hammer out the particulars, but I am sure my official vehicle will be delivered to my house this weekend. I can tell I am pretty important because four armed security guards escorted my group to the gate at the game’s end after a rather silly exchange of words with some obnoxious Rancho Cucamonga Quakes’ fans who were only around at that time to shit on our parade. These people kept reminding loyal 66ers’ fans that their team was going to the playoffs, and the 66ers were not. Finally, I sort of snapped and told them “Playoff tickets in Class A Ball are like tickets to the tractor pulls — you go, but you do not tell anyone you went — except in the Carolina League where the Woodies are going to play the ‘Peckers in the first round!”

From there, things escalated, and I must say that my group did not exactly cover itself in glory, but since there were no angry emails from GM Joe today demanding that I return my business cards, I still retain my official position. If not, well, I have yet to put down my season ticket deposit for next year, so I still have leverage. Plus, thanks to my terrific suggestions, the 66ers will probably lead the California League in attendance unless Lake Elsinore is dishonest with their final numbers.

My wife says I am too old to be concerned about turf wars in the California League. All I have to say to that is, “Honey, we are going to the Quakes game in Rancho on Friday. Wear something that will make you look tough. Debts must be collected, plus it is a bobblehead night. Grant Riddle [Vice President/General Manager; Rancho Quakes] has a reckoning headed his way, as does Professional Sports Catering.” I might paint my face, not because of team loyalty, but because I know certain security guards there will be looking for me because they have nothing better to do than harass the hard working folk. I do not think my new business card will have any clout there.

Anyway, now the the season is about over for me because the California League playoffs mean nothing to me this season, it is time to start planning the big Arizona Fall League trip. I am trying to convince GM Joe to bring his front office out for a mandatory leadership workshop, but he is acting all frugal with the Elmore Sports Mafia’s fiscal budget. I am pretty good at wearing him down though. When does the new Woodies’ merchandise get introduced? I like to of my Christmas shopping early. When does the new Woodies’ merchandise get introduced? I like to get my Christmas shopping early.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85 [Inland Empire 66ers’ Thirsty Thursday Ambassador]

PS: The Peckers’ are touting this upcoming series as “This Duck Hunt”. You should drive over there and LAY SOME THUNDER DOWN!

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

If there were to be a 66ers team building exercise at the Arizona Fall League, I do not think it would be fair if GM Joe billed management for the expenses — well, the booze at least. The Elmore Sports Mafia could pick up the tab on the house, especially since it will be non peak season. Think fo the return on their investment as some of the best minds in minor league baseball have the chance to exchange ideas in an inspiring work environment. 

Perhaps the Elmore Sports Mafia could send some of their crew from the Amarillo Sod Poodles along so those greenhorn Texas Leaguers can learn a thing to two about filling a stadium after the new stadium attendance bump recedes (plus we can send them on beer runs). Did you know that the father of Hollee Haines [Director of Group Sales, Inland Empire 66ers] is a grizzled Arizona Fall League veteran? That guy complains incessantly about the music though so we might need a timeout space for him this year.

Speaking of filling stadiums, Holy Shitballs, 6,318 at last night’s game at San Manuel Stadium! I saw you from afar in your 20919 California All Star League polo, but I was apprehensive about wading through the crowd to say hello. Last night’s draw at the gate propelled the 66ers into first place in attendance for the season. I imagine you are expecting a big draw tonight for the Eric Karros San Bernardino Stampede Bobblehead, and I hope you are not disappointed. Sunday and Monday could be sparse dates, hurting the attendance average, so I suggest an all out social media blitz to get people to San Manuel Stadium. As you have probably deduced, I have some suggestions:

1. Slash walk up ticket prices to 50 cents. At this point in the season, you just need body counts. You will still make money from concessions, but more importantly, you will ensure you outdraw the Storm and the Ports, and you can taunt them all winter.
2. Send low level employees into the parks of San Bernadino with a special hobo ticket package. For one recyclable can, the homeless get a ticket and a hot dog. Make sure you employee is expendable though because they might not make it back. George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers] is far too valuable for this task, and losing George would be a serious blow to office morale.
3. Flood every church group you have on file with the Sunday Church Special. Let the preachers market your team from the pulpit for the last Sunday game. Maybe you guys have time to run to a thrift store to get some costumes, and Jesus, Moses, Mohammed, and Buddha can have a tag team wresting match. 
4. On Monday night, every batter on the opposing team is a strike out batter. Carry this promotion over into next season for Mondays because quite frankly, it is genius.
5. Inform all your sponsors that their employees can get tickers for twenty-five cents. All you need is paid attendance.
6. Inform the West Valley Detention Center that Monday is Chain Gang Night, and properly shackled inmates get in for fifty cents, and free parking for the prison buses. Engineer a jail break during the seventh inning stretch for promotional purposes for next year.

Those are al the ideas I have right now, but I will continue brainstorming in the lines at Disneyland today. Yes, this means I will not one attending tonight’s game. I was wondering if you could hold my Eric Karros bobblehead for me even though that is against team policy. I am a big gan of the Stampede jersey; Karros not so much. 

I will definitely be at the game on Monday, hopefully with a large contingent of possible future season ticket holders. I am honored that GM Joe is going to deliver something to me that night. I hope it is not a pie to the face. Do I need to prepare a speech? I do love a microphone in my hand.

I do have one last suggestion for the end of this year and next year. Can you please petition that that pregame statement from Pat O’Conner [President & Chief Executive Officer; Minor League Baseball] is never played again? No one wants to hear about his family environment bullshit. Attendance is down across all leagues, and I would bet one reason is because people are tired of hearing his sermon every night. Remember when Denny Hocking used to do his stadium conduct schtick? Now we get Pat mumbling about behaving and loving thy neighbor. I tell you what, Pat. Quit allowing teams to overcharge me for beer, and I will not use profanity at the park, except at Rancho Cucamonga because FUCK THE QUAKES!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: The Inland 66ers have my permission to retweet my blog posts on Twitter. 

Dear George Bateman [Ticket Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]: