Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:
If there were to be a 66ers team building exercise at the Arizona Fall League, I do not think it would be fair if GM Joe billed management for the expenses — well, the booze at least. The Elmore Sports Mafia could pick up the tab on the house, especially since it will be non peak season. Think fo the return on their investment as some of the best minds in minor league baseball have the chance to exchange ideas in an inspiring work environment.
Perhaps the Elmore Sports Mafia could send some of their crew from the Amarillo Sod Poodles along so those greenhorn Texas Leaguers can learn a thing to two about filling a stadium after the new stadium attendance bump recedes (plus we can send them on beer runs). Did you know that the father of Hollee Haines [Director of Group Sales, Inland Empire 66ers] is a grizzled Arizona Fall League veteran? That guy complains incessantly about the music though so we might need a timeout space for him this year.
Speaking of filling stadiums, Holy Shitballs, 6,318 at last night’s game at San Manuel Stadium! I saw you from afar in your 20919 California All Star League polo, but I was apprehensive about wading through the crowd to say hello. Last night’s draw at the gate propelled the 66ers into first place in attendance for the season. I imagine you are expecting a big draw tonight for the Eric Karros San Bernardino Stampede Bobblehead, and I hope you are not disappointed. Sunday and Monday could be sparse dates, hurting the attendance average, so I suggest an all out social media blitz to get people to San Manuel Stadium. As you have probably deduced, I have some suggestions:
- Slash walk up ticket prices to 50 cents. At this point in the season, you just need body counts. You will still make money from concessions, but more importantly, you will ensure you outdraw the Storm and the Ports, and you can taunt them all winter.
- Send low level employees into the parks of San Bernadino with a special hobo ticket package. For one recyclable can, the homeless get a ticket and a hot dog. Make sure you employee is expendable though because they might not make it back. George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers] is far too valuable for this task, and losing George would be a serious blow to office morale.
- Flood every church group you have on file with the Sunday Church Special. Let the preachers market your team from the pulpit for the last Sunday game. Maybe you guys have time to run to a thrift store to get some costumes, and Jesus, Moses, Mohammed, and Buddha can have a tag team wresting match.
- On Monday night, every batter on the opposing team is a strike out batter. Carry this promotion over into next season for Mondays because quite frankly, it is genius.
- Inform all your sponsors that their employees can get tickers for twenty-five cents. All you need is paid attendance.
- Inform the West Valley Detention Center that Monday is Chain Gang Night, and properly shackled inmates get in for fifty cents, and free parking for the prison buses. Engineer a jail break during the seventh inning stretch for promotional purposes for next year.
Those are al the ideas I have right now, but I will continue brainstorming in the lines at Disneyland today. Yes, this means I will not one attending tonight’s game. I was wondering if you could hold my Eric Karros bobblehead for me even though that is against team policy. I am a big gan of the Stampede jersey; Karros not so much.
I will definitely be at the game on Monday, hopefully with a large contingent of possible future season ticket holders. I am honored that GM Joe is going to deliver something to me that night. I hope it is not a pie to the face. Do I need to prepare a speech? I do love a microphone in my hand.
I do have one last suggestion for the end of this year and next year. Can you please petition that that pregame statement from Pat O’Conner [President & Chief Executive Officer; Minor League Baseball] is never played again? No one wants to hear about his family environment bullshit. Attendance is down across all leagues, and I would bet one reason is because people are tired of hearing his sermon every night. Remember when Denny Hocking used to do his stadium conduct schtick? Now we get Pat mumbling about behaving and loving thy neighbor. I tell you what, Pat. Quit allowing teams to overcharge me for beer, and I will not use profanity at the park, except at Rancho Cucamonga because FUCK THE QUAKES!
Your friend in baseball,
PS: The Inland 66ers have my permission to retweet my blog posts on Twitter.