Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers] and Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:
As of now, the 66ers are atop the Cal League attendance leader board for the 2019 campaign, even though the team will probably have the worst record in the California League because the Los Angeles Angels are rather lousy at player development these days. It is time to look forward though. The Stockton Ports, who will host the 2020 California League All Star Game, have already released their schedule for next year, and the Lake Elsinore Storm are handing out their 2020 schedule on commemorative beverage glasses during their final home stand this weekend. Meanwhile, the 66er’s Twitter account has been dormant since Monday.
As you certainly know by now, Joe Hudson [General Manager, Inland Empire 66ers] presented me a stack of business cards with my name and title with your organization. It is almost as if we are co-workers now, except I answer only to the wind (and my wife). I have yet to have a formal meeting with GM Joe to discuss my responsibilities, compensation, and the code of conduct to which I must adhere, but I can tell you this: when the dugout shitter is clogged, no one is calling me.
While your compatriots in the front office have most certainly have been working diligently this week on mothballing San Manuel Stadium for the offseason, I have been analyzing data to explain attendance trends. I am not ready to share that information yet because the minor league regular season is not over, except in the Florida State League, which very few people attend anyway. Instead, I thought I would share some really bad promotional ideas for shits and giggles.
- Put Your Dog Down Monday: Since Bark at the Park has been a disaster for years at San Manuel Stadium because only a sadist would bring their healthy dog to a game in San Bernardino, let’s put that anemic promotion to beat him style. Fans who have dogs that have outlived their usefulness as a pet can bring Fido and Spike to the park for the deep sleep. We can get local veterinarians to perform the mercy killings, dispose of the remains, then put a 66ers’ emblem on the dog collar so the owner can forever the moment and place where their pet moved onto the next world.
- Bring All Your Baby Mamas To The Park: What could be better on Fathers’ Day than for fans to bring all their children and their biological mothers to a baseball game? Give the mothers 50% alcohol discounts because they have earned it, plus the action in the stands will be better than the product on the field.
- High School Letterman Jacket Night: 50% off ticket prices for anyone wears their letter jacket to the game. Make sure this promotion in in the middle of July so these douchebros will sweat. Invite them on the field and have fans in the stands purchase eggs to pelt the letter jacket dudes. All proceeds go to local high school sports (after our cut for beer).
- Shiv Your Neighbor Night: Have a Build a Shank station in the right field pavilion, then let human nature take its course.
- Pop Your Pimples Night: Every inning on the the dugouts lucky 66ers’ interns will be squeezing the pus out of clogged pours of the fortunate fans chosen to be in this contest. Special bonus points for cysts.
On that note I must cut it short because while your season is over, my ambassador duties never end. I am off to Rancho to take care of some unfinished business with Professional Sports Catering.
Your friend in baseball,