Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:
Yes, Twitter trolls are the worse. You know why? Because Twitter is where muses go to die by getting tossed into a wood chipper. Fayetteville trolls dissing Kinston for poverty is akin to Idi Amin lecturing Joseph Stalin on murdering citizens. As you well, I know I visited Fayetteville this summer, and It isn’t exactly Beverly Hills. The City Square is still a slave trader block, and the primary employers are an army base, the school district, the hospital , and Wal-Mart. The crowning cultural achievement is the Special Operations Museum (it is bad ass though). Don’t even get me started about the hipsters and their little shops and restaurants downtown.
I do know the West Coast Down East Ducks Backers; Sons of Vengeance Chapter are eagerly waiting the release of your new Copa de la Diversion brand next year. Some are upset that they did not purchase their Patos Joyuyos gear while it was still in stock, but let that be a hard lesson to them that minor league merchandise waits for no man, so one better purchase what they like when one initially sees it. I am glad to see the Collard Greens will be back next season, and I applaud you separating yourself from the old Indians as anyone who retains ties with Cleveland usually withers, strangled by failed dreams and unrealistic expectations from the past.
The 66ers have one of the most popular Copa brands (El Cucuy, the monster under the bed), but finished the season stuck with way too much El Cucuy merchandise that did not sell, mainly because of that obnoxious neon yellow color that Minor League Baseball associated with Latin culture. One of my first goals as Thirsty Thursday Ambassador will be to tweak the El Cucuy nights to make them much more fan interactive, and by that I mean scaring the shit out of people, especially the weak and the frail. No place in the stadium will be safe from El Cucuy leaping from the shadows. When people are looking over their shoulders at the relish dispenser, you know you have them, and t-shirt sales are about to spike.
As for post season revenues, I think it is garbage that the lesser teams get the two initial home dates. Say the Woodies sweep the’ Peckers in the first round. Do you split the gate receipts with those ‘Peckers in Fayetteville, or do they get full receipts for their home games? If so, you probably head to Fayetteville to make sure their attendance count is accurate as the Astros are often dicks about things. If you drop my name to Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing & Communications], I am sure you will be treated like royalty. Others maybe not so much has I might be a polarizing figure in their front office these days. Of all the front office people I met on my trip this year, Ben is the guy I would hire first when I win the Power Ball thingy and purchase the 66ers – well, besides you of course. And the kid in the Hartford Yard Goats’ team shop. I’d just have to create a position for GM Joe.
Speaking of job openings, the 66ers’ Assistant GM just left to pursue opportunities outside of baseball. Quitter.
Your friend in baseball,