Dead Religions

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I have a great idea for an early promotion for the 2020 season, but since the front office is in disarray since [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers] left town. I was going to share this fabulous idea with Anna Forslin [Corporate Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers] since she pretty much ran the promotions last year, but I am not even sure if she is still with the organization since there has been so much change since the season’s end. 

Have you guys started interviewing for front office positions yet? You might want to tell GM Joe that I am available for remote free lance work, especially in data analysis and promotions. He can pay me through straight commissions as long as I get the cool polo shirts also. I will make us all rich. 

So here is my idea: VSCO Girl Night in which your organization gives away 66ers scrunchies and Puka shell necklaces. Since you are a male over the age of thirty, you might not know what a VSCO girl is, but just thing of them as Valley Girls who want to save the sea turtles one metal straw at a time in their oversized t-shirts and Birkenstocks. A promotion like this will reverberate with the younger generation who the 66ers desperately need to fill the ballpark as time is running out for the blue hairs. Perhaps the 66ers can even giveaway oversized t-shirts, say of Bernie frolicking with marine life. 

You might be thinking Bads85 has done lost it, but this will make a huge splash on social media this offseason. Let’s face it, the 66ers really need to improve their social media presence, especially now with George gone. The 66ers need to be approved by Stan Twitter, or  Cancel Culture will devour your organization. No, I am not having a stroke; this is the jargon of the youth who matters these days. 

Minor League Baseball in general is marching rather rapidly to the impotent island of Fogeyism, as evidenced by the fact that that banning of peanuts in Hartford is being celebrated at the Minor League Baseball Innovators’ Summit next week in El Paso. Also, Corpus Christie was awarded a promotion of the month for banning cell phones at their park for a night. That is some backwards ass thinking, Rock. What is next, a Make Your Dishwasher Great Again Night at the old ballpark? The outlaw spirit of the minor leagues is dying, so we need to push back.

The 66ers should have a Cuddle With Your Nuts Night this season. T-shirts stating “You Can Pry My Nuts Out of my Cold Dead Hands” can be distributed, as well as “Touch My Nuts and See What Happens!” t-shirts. PB&Js can be the delicacy of the night — PB&Js with BACON. Peanut Butter and banana sandwiches would be a big hit also. The 66ers need to show the world they will not go quietly into the hells cape that is Family Value Fun. Motherfuckers, if I wanted to play it safe, I would get on a cruise ship. Or go to a Quakes’ game.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85 

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

How you holding up, Rock? You know, with George Bateman [Former Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers] just disappearing in the night. I know you have your upcoming nuptials to worry about (I am sure I will receive an invite), but I am sure San Manuel Stadium is a much less pleasant place to work without George. I can see walking around a corner, expecting him to be in the next room, then remembering he no longer works for the 66ers.

Hey, he did not leave his 2019 All Star polo behind, did he? It probably would not fit me, but his shirts were always kind of baggy. I am starting to have doubts if Joe Hudson {General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers is ever going to give me my own polo, but I am pretty sure Taylor McCarthy [General Manager; Stockton Ports] is going to give me one as part of our bond to return splendor to the California League in 2020.

As you well know, I traveled to twenty minor league parks last season, and through my travels, I realized the California League is losing a bit of its luster, trapped in the shadows of Major League teams and the limited in growth by the dusty agriculture freeway known as CA-99. I know you are thinking, “Dammit, Bads85, the season just ended, and I am getting married soon! I have more pressing matters on hand!”

Well, Rock, I am sorry I have to dump this on you, but George left, so you are my ears now, at least until your organization hires a naive youngster we can fuck with for months. Plus, I am looking out for your future as the Elmore Sports Mafia ultimately signs your paychecks. Once upon a time, not so long ago, say in 2014, the 66ers were the gem of the Elmore Sports Group. The organization just won the Cal League Championship, and the club rebranded with spiffy new uniforms and merchandise. Most importantly, some dude named Bads85 became a full season ticket holder, transforming the fan experience at San Manuel to lofty heights.

These days, the 66ers are the only cog in the Elmore Sports Machine that had an attendance decrease this season. Yes, the 66ers lead the Cal League in attendance, which is badass, but Amarillo has a shiny new stadium, San Antonio has AAA status, Colorado Springs has an enormous stadium for the Pioneer League, and Lynchburg still has not been captured by the Union Army. The California League seems to be retreating, losing two franchise to the Carolina League in recent years, and has no plans for any new stadium construction in the near or distant future.

So where does this return to splendor in the Cal League start? With very small steps in our backyard. One thing I noticed in the Carolina and Eastern Leagues is the crispness of the landscaping outside the stadiums, something that has been lacking in the Cal League since the drought. Well, Rock, the drought is over, so it is time to freshen up some of the neglected areas around the complex with some fresh plants. A little touch up paint will go a long way also. Remember, going to a baseball stadium with neglected landscaping is like wearing a tuxedo with shit stained boxers. Sure most of you looks good, but everyone is going to notice THE STANK.

This should be a league wide effort. It will not cost that much to make Cal League stadiums pop again. Take plenty of pictures and have Ben Hill write an article about it for MILB.com. Throw in some environmental mumbo jumbo, and we are saving the planet! As you well know, once we are saving the planet, we have the go ahead to start selling t-shirts indicating we are saving the planet. Since we are creating revenue, this project almost initially pays for itself, and we reap long term gains. Maybe we should print some posters about saving the world to give to the local schools to promote Education Day. GM Joe can pose in some overalls and a straw hat while planting some marigolds.

The best part about this plan is you almost certainly get the Booster Club to do the manual labor.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Taylor McCarthy [General Manager; Stockton Ports]:

Hello! I have been remiss in my missives, but congratulations are in order for finishing second in attendance in the California League. It took a massive final weekend at the gate by the 66ers to surpass your organization, including Amazon buying out the park the last Friday. It was also the weekend that Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] presented me with my own business cards, announcing that I am the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador. Petty heady happenings, I am sure you will agree.

You can take pride in the fact that your stadium had closer to capacity numbers than the 66ers. Not too shabby considering April was a flood month. More importantly, the 2020 California All Star League game will be coming to Banner Island Ballpark. While that is not quite as important as my business cards, it is very exciting stuff. Have you began ordering merchandise to commemorate the big game? The 66ers had very spiffy 2019 California League All Star polos for their employees, but just lousy, sort of drab t-shirts for the paying customers. I am still waiting for my polo since I am the Thirsty Thursday ambassador.

Hey, you know what would be hysterical? If you sent me a 2020 California All Star League polo, and I wore it around San Manuel Stadium just to remind GM Joe that I a kind of a big deal. You do not even have to send me the shirt yet; a verbal commitment would suffice. Since I have not signed an official contract with the 66ers for the 2020 season, this verbal commitment could be vital leverage in negotiations. Plus, I would look really good in it, and you know I am a slave to fashion.

Did you make it down to San Manuel Stadium for the All Star game this past summer? I was in Munich, Germany, spreading the minor league word at Caribes Baseball Stadium in Olympic Park. Did you know beer is cheaper than water in Munich? The baseball is shit, but they have that going for them. If you did make it down, I hope the 66ers’ front office treated you like royalty. I hope you were not forced to sit too close to the Quakes’ executives though as they dress funny. 

So I made to twenty minor league parks this past season, from Lake Elsinore to Manchester, New Hampshire to Columbia, South Caroline to El Paso, Texas. We tore up the Carolina League, making lifelong friends and returning with suitcases of team gear. Tales of the road were shared, as were fan retention and promotional strategies. After 11,000 miles on the road, I can to the conclusion that the California League is not running on all cylinders. Attendance dropped another two percent, and even the top drawing teams are being outperformed by top collegiate wood bat leagues. When your top team is being outdrawn by Okotoks, Canada, well, it is time to delve for some hard answers. 

2020 will be a renewal to my commitment to the California League. Oh, I will probably do a Southern Atlantic League road trip, but my focus will be the Cal League this year. I have already came up with a slick slogan for the offseason: 2020 Cal League: Don’t Forget the Nights That Haven’t Happened Yet. I plan to reach out to more Cal League teams to offer my sage advice and build lasting relationships — except for the Quakes because fuck those guys. Ultimately, a two team expansion with privately finances stadiums is the long term go because nothing drives attendance like a new ballpark. 

Hey, will you guys have a new scoreboard for the All Star Game? Because that is usually the first thing a stadium is judged by in these modern times. I know financing might be tough with the city, which is why you should look into corporate naming rights for your stadium. O-G Packing Stadium at Banner Island Park has a great ring to it. Ink the deal, and get a modern scoreboard constructed.

I need to go as I must some weekday Cal League attendance numbers because that is where the battle is being lost.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] and Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing and Communications; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

Congratulations on drawing over 4,000 fans to the Mills Cup finale! While the team wearing your organization’s laundry failed to come through, you guys certainly packed the park, and in the end, that is what matters. Sure, championship flags fly forever (or until the flag pole breaks), but the cash registers ringing is what the minor leagues go round. The Fayetteville Woodpeckers were fourth in attendance in all of High A Ball, just behind the team that beat your team in the finals — damn good show for a stadium that barely opened on time. We will never know how the attendance would have been in the team moniker had been The Peckerwoods, but time moves forward.

As autumn creeps in, my job here is done. The California League needs saved, and the Eastern League is calling my name, so I will be bidding you guys adieu now that your cherry has been popped. I would say we had a hell of a run, and I thank you for the entertainment value you provided over the last nine months. Before I do go though I will give you one last marketing idea: you know those troll pencils? Get some made with the Woodpeckers’ logo on it, and use Mark Zarthar’s {President. Fayetteville Woodpeckers] likeness as the troll on top. Consumers will go wild to make that magnificent hair stand on its end. 

Oh, lest you guys get big heads after I leave, let me remind you that while your average attendance was impressive this season (3,632), you were outdrawn on a per game basis by the Savannah Bananas of the Coastal Plain League Collegiate League(4,205). I do not think I need to remain you guys that Savannah was such a lame baseball town for decades that they lost the SAL team, and the stadium was built in 1926 and has a capacity of about 4,300, yet some madman promoter brought a team to town, and the place has been sold out for two seasons. And before you write Savannah off as a fluke, also know that the Okotokos Dawgs in the Western Canadian Collegiate League outdrew your organization. Okotokos, man. That is in Bumfuck, Alberta. As my good friend Bongwater might say, “You ain’t shit until you outdraw Okotokos.” In other words, gentlemen, stay hungry and stay lean.

The ‘Peckers will always have a special place in my heart, and I bought enough or your organization’s merchandise last summer to remain stylish for a while. I must say, I do look really good in it, especially the jersey that just pops. Perhaps I will be back down the Fayetteville was sooner than I think, and we can snort bourbon in that conference room down the right field line like real minor league executives do. I am sure my Thirsty Thursday Ambassador business card is just the clout I need to get in. 

Promise me you won’t forget the the nights that haven’t happened yet. Holy shit, that is just about a perfect minor league slogan. Yo guys should drop that at the Minor League Baseball Innovators’ Summit later in the month in El Paso.  Once again, I leave you with astounding advice because I am a giver (although I would not put that one on any shirts as it is a line from a song from The Hold Steady). Maybe you can get those guys to play Segra Stadium. I would return for that.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Chris Dillon [Director of Promotions & Community Relations Hickory Crawdads]:

I was recently perusing the Minor League Baseball Summit’s list of speakers and came across your name, which seemed familiar. Upon reflection, I remembered that I contacted you earlier this season about your Christian Sunday Bulletin promotions but you never responded, probably because life travels at such a fast pace in Hickory, North Carolina. Honestly, I forgot about my request also as I was busy traveling throughout North America this summer, visiting minor league parks and hanging out with minor league executives like Wade Howell [Vice Presidents Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]. Looking at your Sunday attendance number, I am guessing the Sunday Bulletin things never gained traction.

Being a grizzled veteran of the minor league circuit and the somewhat official Thirsty Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the Inland Empire 66ers, I must say I have a grave concern about you upcoming seminar in El Paso, which is being touted as “FUN (Eff Up Nights) Sharing: Learning From and Laughing at Failures and Mistakes.” While learning from one’s mistakes in the minor leagues in crucial to personal and professional development, you are flirting with moonwalking on a slippery slope when you begin talking about laughing at mistakes. You know where mistakes get a minor league executive, especially someone in promotions? A quick career change to retail where pitching warrantees for cheap electronics is a job requirement.

While it is fine to laugh at the washouts and those who left organizations in shame, be careful of fostering an environment where mistakes can be laughed off because SHIT HAPPENS. Shit just does not happen; it is a residue of bad design and poor execution. A failed promotion is a scarlet letter, forever tattooed to the minor league executive’s soul. Ask Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers and 2019 California League Executive of the Year] how funny Duck Dynasty Night was when a now former employee paid a cast member an obscene appearance fee, and the cast member was Mountain Man instead of Willie or Jase. Ask GM Joe what type of work the guy who came up with promotion is in now. Hint: Not minor league baseball.

Hey, before I get to my my main point of fear being a wonderful motivator, let me digress to compliment your magnificent hair. If the Minor League Baseball Innovator’s Summit were to have a Best Hair Contest, you would be sure to finish in the top three, probably behind Tom Baxter [Fundraising and Community Engagement Manager; Hartford Yard Goats]. The dude’s hair is something else, straight out of Greek Mythology. Dionysus would weep upon looking at those locks.

But let’s return to the point. Sure, it is tempting to turn promotional failures into a shits and giggles quest, but failure lasts longer in the minors than the piano exit in Eric Clapton’s “Layla”. Failure means lack of a promotion at best, and sent waling the dark and dusty highway all alone at worst. Minor league players are forgotten by Halloween, but not failed promotions. Failure means the young hot shots pass you by, securing that assistant general manager position before the age of thirty while you have to continue to launch hotdogs out of giant rubber band while wearing a mustard bottle costume. No one wants to grow old in a mustard bottle costume, Chis. Sweat no longer oozes from the pores, just desperation. 

As a minor league ambassador, I understand the importance of using humor to hold an audience captive. Grabbing your audience’s attention through self-deprecating humor is a great hook, but you you should follow it with THE SLEDGE HAMMER OF REALITY. Fear of failing is what keeps the upwardly mobile minor league executive fully motivated through the dog days of summer, preventing a twisted failure bobbled promotion like Captain America dirty dancing with Simba. Just this year Jason Estes [Director of Promotions; Wilmington Blue Rocks] unleashed one of the greater bobbleheads of all time, the Whit Merrifield Dodgeball classic, but followed that promotion with the Peeps Plush Toy on Easter Sunday, meaning he probably will never have his own office unless he switches to the insurance industry. Remember, the road to hell is paved with failed promotions, especially ones that tarnish a good Thirsty Thursday.

Do not be afraid to pound the dais and let your audience know that a reckoning always follows failure. Once you finish with your presentation, march to hospitality bar and grab their Jack Daniels bottle by the neck and take a long pull to cement  your reputation of an executive who refuses to fail. I will probably be standing right by you — just look for the long line of people waiting to speak to me for a very short time. 

One last question, who was the original Crustacean Nation, the Hickory Crawdads or the Jacksonville Jumbo shrimp, who claim to have trademarked that moniker?

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing and Communications; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

I am sure sleep is elusive tonight as your organization plays the deciding game of the Carolina League Championship tomorrow at Segra Stadium. While the outcome is meaningful, remember, it is the friends you made along the way that is the real Mills Cup of the 2019 season. While I cannot be there in person because I am headed to Visalia for the California League Championship, know that I am there in spirit and will be watching the game on MiLBTV, so feel to jump in front of the camera and wave.

To ensure victory and merchandise sales over the winter, I give you permission to print a picture of my likeness to post in the front office so your co workers can touch it for good luck. I am sure Mark Zarather’s [President; Fayetteville Woodpecker] face will just light up seeing my smiling image and his chest will swell pride as he appears 5’9” sashaying through the office up until first pitch I do regret that I must inform you that Mr. Zarather no longer holds the crown of most magnificent hair in the minor league front offices; that award title is now held by Tom Baxter [Fundraising and Community Engagement Manager; Hartford Yard Goats]. Please do not inform Mr. Zarather until after the game.

Tom is going to be a speaker at the Minor League Innovators Summit in El Paso later this month. I am sure he and I will hit it off smashingly, especially since I know have my official Thirsty Thursday Ambassador business cards. I still do not know if Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] is paying for my expenses for the trip, but I plan on being a fixture at the hospitality suite. I am sure there will be a one of executives wanting to talk to me, but if you are there, I will let you cut to the front. Not Austin Schwartz [Vice President; Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] though. He waits like everyone else, unless he has a drink in his hand for me. 

The summit will be held right across the street from the Greyhound bus station, so there should be many hobos greeting us when we enter. You know what would be a funny prank? Bringing about thirty of these less than fortunate souls to Evan Most [Manger of Multimedia; Carolina Mudcats] workshop on telling the best minor league story. Hey, Zebulon, narrate this! We can take our new guests through the donut stations also because minor league baseball is all about giving back to the community.

But anyway, I am getting ahead of myself. You have the big game tomorrow. 4,000 in paid attendance would be a fine feather in the cap of the Inaugural Season at Segra Stadium, especially since your organization is charging $11.00 a ticket. I hope you have alerted the local media outlets to promote the championship with some “lives in the balance, city’s honor is on the line” bullshit that will get the rubes through the gates. Do you guys have the pull for a military flyover? I bet if you ran down to Yellow Crayon in the morning, you could get some cheap giveaway t-shirts to entice the locals.

Anyway, I need to get to sleep. Visalia is not a short drive, and the drinking will start early as the Big Rock Inn serves a delightful breakfast and volumes of vodka. We might be drinking straight through our eyeballs by time we reach the stadium. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I hope your organization is prepared for the debauchery that follows a League Championship. 

Dear Mike Abramson [General Manager; Hartford Yard Goats]:

Good day, sir! I saw on your organization’s Twitter feed that volunteers filled Dunkin Donuts Park as a rally point yesterday before they hit the streets to install free smoke detectors throughout the fine city of Hartford. While this is a most commendable activity, unfortunately the intern running your Twitter feed that morning included the hashtag “#EndHomeFires“. Well, Mike, smoke detectors do not prevent or end home fires. They sound an alarm so people can quickly exit the premises if it is in flames. In these days of excessive litigation, one must be vigilant of what is promised, lest one get pulled into court to battle a frivolous lawsuit that usually ends in a settlement.

If your organization is truly serious about ending home fires, perhaps you should have a “Only Hire Bonded Contractors For Your Home Improvement Needs Night.” You are going to have to couple that with an interesting promotion like, “This Is What Happens When Kids Play With Matches Night” where lucky fans gets to burn doll houses on top of the visitor’s dugout. The home dugout will host “When Dryer Vents Go Bad Night”, complete with a giant lint ball turning into a mushroom crowd. These are the types of Public Service Announcements that leave a lasting impression, especially if a fireworks display follows the game.

I see your offices are closed for the next couple of days for some official team bonding/brainstorming staff activities. In some organizations that would be a euphemism for a Wesson Oil/Saran Wrap tequila fueled orgy, but I am sure you run a tighter ship than that. I am trying to get Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] to have a mandatory leadership conference with his front office staff at the Arizona Fall League, but ownership appears to be hesitant to spend money on such a wonderful activity.

Since your staff is working so hard these next couple of days, allow me to share the greatest promotion ever with you: The Beer Batter. Here is how it works. Choose a batter from the other team. If he strikes out during the game, domestic drafts are 50% off. Whenever the batter comes to the plate, the “Roll Out The Barrel” is played over the loudspeakers. The crowd suddenly lives and dies for every pitch. Grown men will weep for joy when the Beer Batter strikes out, and women will savagely race to the front of the concession lines to drink double fisted. Yes, it is a scene that would make our forefathers proud.

Hey, has the road situation improved in your state since I was there last summer? Back then, I felt the entire Connecticut DOT needed to be placed on a barge on the Quinnipiac River and have monkey feces thrown at them by angry chimps. When the barge was about to sink due to the sheer weight of the monkey shit, a napalm strike needed to be dialed in to finish off the morons who have no idea who to properly employ freeway construction. Perhaps I was overreacting, but I doubt it. One doesn’t become the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador by not being able to keep an even keel.

It seems that your organization does not embrace Thirsty Thursday, which seems kind of sad, but who am I to judge? Your organization had six Thursdays last season in which you drew a capacity crowd of 6,950, which is very impressive. In the five other Thursday dates, the Yard Goats drew 27,430 fans, averaging 5,486 a game. Again this is very solid, but games drew less than your total season average of 6,193. Had those five games been at capacity, your organization would have had 6,230 more fans, essentially an extra home date.

Would Thirsty Thursdays have pushed you to capacity? At this time, I cannot say for sure because I lack definitive data. Even cheap beer cannot trump foul weather. However, minor league baseball without Thirsty Thursday is like Christmas Mass without Holy Communion.

I really have to run. Literally. Training for the 2020 Beer Mile at San Manuel Stadium has begun.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Ask not for whom the bell tolls because it tolls for George Bateman {Ticket Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]. When you told me last night at the 66ers’ Season Ticket Holder Barbecue that George has left the organization, I was initially shocked because he had just received his own business cards. However, the minor league front office dance card is a fickle but fierce foxtrot that often sees savage turnover. Compatriots sally forth at great frequencies, often without saying good bye, disappearing in the night on a train that came for someone else, only to surface a few weeks later with the Tennessee Smokies. Or the Erie Seawolves. Or with the Tulsa Drillers.

Not you though. You are a rock that even Sysyphus could not move. In fact, I hereby deem that you have earned you California League nickname, “Rock.” Not “The Rock” as you need no articles before your name. So now we move forward, Rock, without George, but that just is the way it is. We do not have the luxury of looking back as the minors are a perpetual one way avenue, and we can only grip our favorite bottle of bourbon, take a pull, and continue down the road with Saint Christopher in the backseat, just looking to get hurt. Outsiders often mistake this for the road to damnation, but we know better, Rock. Salvation is not what we seek; we are just looking for that moment that the uninitiated will never taste  — that moment  when the roar of the crowd tickles the pitch of the perfect promotion. 

As the man on the radio says, 

Ain’t nothing left to do but walk the streets so dark

And whisper I love you to a moment there inside your heart

Let the trumpets sound, but listen to the morning dew

And fill yourself with what you found

We are going to have to break-in George’s replacement properly though. Imagine when this newb receives his first letter from me. I do hope GM Joe does a little better job vetting his employees next season. I have to tell you, there were a couple people walking around in employee gear that looked like this job was an alibi for their big bank heist in a few weeks. It is never good thing when someone on payroll is scarier than some of the miscreants on the season ticket holder list.

Speaking of season ticket holders, it is painfully obvious by 2019 Monday attendance figures that the 66ers full season ticket base is rather anemic. As the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador, this  falls out of my job description, but since I am a giver, I will offer SAGE ADVICE. Have a promotional sale this offseason named ONE Equals TWO or FOUR. Here is how it works: allow someone to buy a single season ticket package, then spread those seats out or thirty-five or eighteen games with seats right next to each other. Exclude July Fourth, but throw in Opening Night, which will boost the attendance at the home opener. 

You essentially do this anyway with the Ticket Redemption thingy, but market the shit out of this this rather than have twosomes and foursomes buy packages that do not add up to seventy. People will think they are getting more for less, and boom, you have that sweet, sweet season ticket money in the bank. Sweeten the deal by allowing these freshly minted season ticket holders the option to purchase Sunday through Wednesday tickets at some absurdly low price like three dollars. Flood social media and emails with this promotion. Maybe have GM Joe pose in something tight for a little beefcake action. Maybe have me dance.

Speaking of GM Joe, did you see that iron man throwing batting practice to the masses at the barbecue? I was going to step in and take him yard, but I figured he would try to put one under my chin, and I would have to charge the mound to uphold my honor. I would never receive a 2019 California All Star Game polo if I wrestled him to the ground. 

I need to go, Rock. Training for next year’s Beer Mile started this week.

Your friend in baseball, 

Bads85

PS: George could not really launch a hot dog anyway.

Dear Mike Abramson [General Manager; Hartford Yard Goats]:

I wrote to you last week to introduce myself and to inquire if it is possible to get Tim Horton’s products at Dunkin Donuts Park. I have not received a response from you yet, which is understandable because since your organization did not make the playoffs, you are either on a well deserved vacation with limited internet access, or have already embarked on an Adderall fueled brainstorming session for future promotions. Whatever the case, I hope to hear from you soon because I have some Copa del Diversion questions for which I am hoping you have solid answers.

You see, I have taken upon myself to assist the Fayetteville Woodpeckers in adopting a Copa persona. I created the “Fear the Wood! Respect the ‘Pecker!” slogan that became the unofficial rallying cry in Fayetteville his past season. If you were to stroll past Yellow Crayon Design in downtown Fayetteville, you would see t-shirts with this slogan hanging in the window. The team itself did not market this slogan because CORPORATE BRASS was fearful of a family values’ cult backlash. While I think it rather silly to go through life afraid of a ‘Pecker backlash, I can why they might want to protect the brand.

Since I know your Los Chivos de Hartford identity has been successful (although nothing like the success of El Cucuy de San Bernardino), I would like ask you some questions about that cute little sugar skull goat that is on the cap that my son purchased in your team store in July. Is that a Brandiose creation? Because is does not have the permanent SERIOUS ATTITUDE scowl that almost all Bradiose logo possess. Do you guys own proper mannequins? I was perusing your Los Chivos shirts, and the Retro Brans Triblend is fully of wrinkles as it was obviously just dropped on a floor or counter so some low level employee could take a picture of it with a cell phone. The Down East Wood Ducks has this problem last spring until I set Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] straight. Once he fixed that sloppiness, his organization’s merchandise sales spikes, driven largely in part to the Woodies’ West Coast Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter of which I am president. 

Anyway, my vision for the ‘Peckers is Águilas Aztecas (Aztec Eagles], which were the Mexican 201st Fighter Squadron that flew P-47 Thunderbolts in World War Two in the Pacific Theater. Imagine a bad ass eagle soaring with a squadron of P-47’s — not some Brandiose design with the perma scowl, but an eagle that is glad to be alive. Unfortunately, the eagle is associated with the 101st Airborne while Fayetteville is home of the 82nd Airborne, so some logistics need to be worked out at this time.

I see your organization is going to be transforming Dunkin Donut Park into a Top Golf event very soon. I plan on have an intense discussion with Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers tonight at the season ticket holder’s barbecue about transforming San Manuel Stadium into a similar format. What is to keep someone from crushing a driver into the scoreboard though? I am thinking about suggesting the implementation of pyrotechnics because explosions make golf much more fun. Would Caddyshack have been a classic if Bill Murray had not used plastic explosives? Of course not. We cannot blow up the outfield though because of an oversensitive groundskeeper, so perhaps whenever a ball finds the zone, a cardboard cutout of Bob Barker ignites.

Gotta run — late for the barbecue.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Is Tom Baxter’s hair that glorious in real life?

Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers] and Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I have included two spreadsheets I created that chart the daily attendance trends of the 2018 and 2019 season. I am sure your sleek front office already has technology like this, but I am not sure if the higher ups share this info with you. I created these so all of us are in the loop, but mainly so I can present hard evidence to GM Joe about what nights need a reduction in beer prices [hint: all of them]. 

I fully expect these spreadsheets and any I make in the future to become the gospels of the front office. I am sure that the phrase,“Refer to Bads85’s Spreadsheets” will become office mantra. Most importantly, it will give the two of you dismissive powers when you are assigned an odious task. You reply to your superiors’ requests with, “You know, I don’t think that is in Bads85’s spreadsheet. We better not do that now.”

Since I am the Inland Empire 66ers’ Thirsty Thursday Ambassador now, the first attendance trend I analyzed with my bitching spreadsheets was attendance on Thursday nights. I quickly discovered an alarming trend in the second half of the seasons. Take a look at the paid attendance figures of the last four Thirsty Thursdays in 2018 and 2019 knowing that the season averages for Thirsty Thursdays were 3448 (2018) and 3134 (2019):

2018       2019

 977        2019

2081       1082

2131       1689

4117       3356

As you can see, except for the the last Thirsty Thursday of each season (the most bittersweet night in all of baseball), attendance plummets late in the season. Yes, my good friends, Thirsty Thursday loses its luster as the season progresses. I would venture that San Manuel Stadium straddling two distinct deserts has a great deal to do with this. It is brutally hot in July and August in The Dino, and people just do not get excited to go out in the heat to drink cheap beer. Obviously, just trotting out Thirsty Thursday on social media is not going to get the drinking folk out of their air condition to come to the park. It is imperative that the 66ers market that Thirsty Thursday San Manuel Stadium is the place to beat the heat. Adolph Coors built an empire on similar thinking; the 66ers should also. Here are some suggestions:

1. In social media ads, superimpose snow on the images of the San Bernardino Mountain beyond the outfield. 
2. Come up with a clever, but simple expression like “BEAT THE HEAT!” that creates the illusion that it is going refreshing at San Manuel Stadium. Oh, everyone is going to sweat, sweat, sweat, once they get in the gate, but they will have already paid by then. 
3. Show beautiful models frolicking in skimpy clothes with beers in their hands. You are probably going to have to use the IE Dance team for this, lest the front office become centerfolds for the unwashed masses. Trust me, as a man who has been treated as a sex object his entire adult life, I can tell you that is no fun. Have one ugly dude drinking double fisted though so the common folk of the Inland Empire can relate. 
4. Two words: Super Soakers.
5. Extend the roof on the bar of the garage for more shade. Put umbrellas in The Garage — not those tiki things though as we do not want a citrus rat problem.
6. Forge a partnership with a local water park. Maybe they will be willing to build a real water slide in left field. Make sure the slide embraces the outlaw spirit of San Bernardino.
7. Have a Beer Batter on Thirsty Thursday (and Friday for that matter). $1.00 off the cans if the Beer Batter whiffs. It is the simple things that keep people coming to the park.
8. Ticket stubs from previous Thirsty Thursdays are good for two bucks off game tickets. Thursdays are a huge walkup night —get more Thursday Warriors to return. Create Thirsty Thursday Warrior t-shits (you have my permission to use my likeness since I am the Thirsty Thursday ambassador).
9. Get the margarita machines cranking. Do you know the primary ingredient of margaritas? Ice. Cold, cold ice.
10. Bikini Night! Yes, some hideous people might show up displaying too much flesh, but imagine GM Joe in a Speedo and Santa hat! BEAT THE HEAT!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85