Dear Mike Abramson [General Manager; Hartford Yard Goats]:
Good day, sir! I saw on your organization’s Twitter feed that volunteers filled Dunkin Donuts Park as a rally point yesterday before they hit the streets to install free smoke detectors throughout the fine city of Hartford. While this is a most commendable activity, unfortunately the intern running your Twitter feed that morning included the hashtag “#EndHomeFires“. Well, Mike, smoke detectors do not prevent or end home fires. They sound an alarm so people can quickly exit the premises if it is in flames. In these days of excessive litigation, one must be vigilant of what is promised, lest one get pulled into court to battle a frivolous lawsuit that usually ends in a settlement.
If your organization is truly serious about ending home fires, perhaps you should have a “Only Hire Bonded Contractors For Your Home Improvement Needs Night.” You are going to have to couple that with an interesting promotion like, “This Is What Happens When Kids Play With Matches Night” where lucky fans gets to burn doll houses on top of the visitor’s dugout. The home dugout will host “When Dryer Vents Go Bad Night”, complete with a giant lint ball turning into a mushroom crowd. These are the types of Public Service Announcements that leave a lasting impression, especially if a fireworks display follows the game.
I see your offices are closed for the next couple of days for some official team bonding/brainstorming staff activities. In some organizations that would be a euphemism for a Wesson Oil/Saran Wrap tequila fueled orgy, but I am sure you run a tighter ship than that. I am trying to get Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] to have a mandatory leadership conference with his front office staff at the Arizona Fall League, but ownership appears to be hesitant to spend money on such a wonderful activity.
Since your staff is working so hard these next couple of days, allow me to share the greatest promotion ever with you: The Beer Batter. Here is how it works. Choose a batter from the other team. If he strikes out during the game, domestic drafts are 50% off. Whenever the batter comes to the plate, the “Roll Out The Barrel” is played over the loudspeakers. The crowd suddenly lives and dies for every pitch. Grown men will weep for joy when the Beer Batter strikes out, and women will savagely race to the front of the concession lines to drink double fisted. Yes, it is a scene that would make our forefathers proud.
Hey, has the road situation improved in your state since I was there last summer? Back then, I felt the entire Connecticut DOT needed to be placed on a barge on the Quinnipiac River and have monkey feces thrown at them by angry chimps. When the barge was about to sink due to the sheer weight of the monkey shit, a napalm strike needed to be dialed in to finish off the morons who have no idea who to properly employ freeway construction. Perhaps I was overreacting, but I doubt it. One doesn’t become the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador by not being able to keep an even keel.
It seems that your organization does not embrace Thirsty Thursday, which seems kind of sad, but who am I to judge? Your organization had six Thursdays last season in which you drew a capacity crowd of 6,950, which is very impressive. In the five other Thursday dates, the Yard Goats drew 27,430 fans, averaging 5,486 a game. Again this is very solid, but games drew less than your total season average of 6,193. Had those five games been at capacity, your organization would have had 6,230 more fans, essentially an extra home date.
Would Thirsty Thursdays have pushed you to capacity? At this time, I cannot say for sure because I lack definitive data. Even cheap beer cannot trump foul weather. However, minor league baseball without Thirsty Thursday is like Christmas Mass without Holy Communion.
I really have to run. Literally. Training for the 2020 Beer Mile at San Manuel Stadium has begun.
Your friend in baseball,