Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:
I have a great idea for an early promotion for the 2020 season, but since the front office is in disarray since [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers] left town. I was going to share this fabulous idea with Anna Forslin [Corporate Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers] since she pretty much ran the promotions last year, but I am not even sure if she is still with the organization since there has been so much change since the season’s end.
Have you guys started interviewing for front office positions yet? You might want to tell GM Joe that I am available for remote free lance work, especially in data analysis and promotions. He can pay me through straight commissions as long as I get the cool polo shirts also. I will make us all rich.
So here is my idea: VSCO Girl Night in which your organization gives away 66ers scrunchies and Puka shell necklaces. Since you are a male over the age of thirty, you might not know what a VSCO girl is, but just thing of them as Valley Girls who want to save the sea turtles one metal straw at a time in their oversized t-shirts and Birkenstocks. A promotion like this will reverberate with the younger generation who the 66ers desperately need to fill the ballpark as time is running out for the blue hairs. Perhaps the 66ers can even giveaway oversized t-shirts, say of Bernie frolicking with marine life.
You might be thinking Bads85 has done lost it, but this will make a huge splash on social media this offseason. Let’s face it, the 66ers really need to improve their social media presence, especially now with George gone. The 66ers need to be approved by Stan Twitter, or Cancel Culture will devour your organization. No, I am not having a stroke; this is the jargon of the youth who matters these days.
Minor League Baseball in general is marching rather rapidly to the impotent island of Fogeyism, as evidenced by the fact that that banning of peanuts in Hartford is being celebrated at the Minor League Baseball Innovators’ Summit next week in El Paso. Also, Corpus Christie was awarded a promotion of the month for banning cell phones at their park for a night. That is some backwards ass thinking, Rock. What is next, a Make Your Dishwasher Great Again Night at the old ballpark? The outlaw spirit of the minor leagues is dying, so we need to push back.
The 66ers should have a Cuddle With Your Nuts Night this season. T-shirts stating “You Can Pry My Nuts Out of my Cold Dead Hands” can be distributed, as well as “Touch My Nuts and See What Happens!” t-shirts. PB&Js can be the delicacy of the night — PB&Js with BACON. Peanut Butter and banana sandwiches would be a big hit also. The 66ers need to show the world they will not go quietly into the hells cape that is Family Value Fun. Motherfuckers, if I wanted to play it safe, I would get on a cruise ship. Or go to a Quakes’ game.
Your friend in baseball,