Dear Mike Abramson [General Manager; Hartford Yard Goats]:
I wrote to you last week to introduce myself and to inquire if it is possible to get Tim Horton’s products at Dunkin Donuts Park. I have not received a response from you yet, which is understandable because since your organization did not make the playoffs, you are either on a well deserved vacation with limited internet access, or have already embarked on an Adderall fueled brainstorming session for future promotions. Whatever the case, I hope to hear from you soon because I have some Copa del Diversion questions for which I am hoping you have solid answers.
You see, I have taken upon myself to assist the Fayetteville Woodpeckers in adopting a Copa persona. I created the “Fear the Wood! Respect the ‘Pecker!” slogan that became the unofficial rallying cry in Fayetteville his past season. If you were to stroll past Yellow Crayon Design in downtown Fayetteville, you would see t-shirts with this slogan hanging in the window. The team itself did not market this slogan because CORPORATE BRASS was fearful of a family values’ cult backlash. While I think it rather silly to go through life afraid of a ‘Pecker backlash, I can why they might want to protect the brand.
Since I know your Los Chivos de Hartford identity has been successful (although nothing like the success of El Cucuy de San Bernardino), I would like ask you some questions about that cute little sugar skull goat that is on the cap that my son purchased in your team store in July. Is that a Brandiose creation? Because is does not have the permanent SERIOUS ATTITUDE scowl that almost all Bradiose logo possess. Do you guys own proper mannequins? I was perusing your Los Chivos shirts, and the Retro Brans Triblend is fully of wrinkles as it was obviously just dropped on a floor or counter so some low level employee could take a picture of it with a cell phone. The Down East Wood Ducks has this problem last spring until I set Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] straight. Once he fixed that sloppiness, his organization’s merchandise sales spikes, driven largely in part to the Woodies’ West Coast Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter of which I am president.
Anyway, my vision for the ‘Peckers is Águilas Aztecas (Aztec Eagles], which were the Mexican 201st Fighter Squadron that flew P-47 Thunderbolts in World War Two in the Pacific Theater. Imagine a bad ass eagle soaring with a squadron of P-47’s — not some Brandiose design with the perma scowl, but an eagle that is glad to be alive. Unfortunately, the eagle is associated with the 101st Airborne while Fayetteville is home of the 82nd Airborne, so some logistics need to be worked out at this time.
I see your organization is going to be transforming Dunkin Donut Park into a Top Golf event very soon. I plan on have an intense discussion with Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers tonight at the season ticket holder’s barbecue about transforming San Manuel Stadium into a similar format. What is to keep someone from crushing a driver into the scoreboard though? I am thinking about suggesting the implementation of pyrotechnics because explosions make golf much more fun. Would Caddyshack have been a classic if Bill Murray had not used plastic explosives? Of course not. We cannot blow up the outfield though because of an oversensitive groundskeeper, so perhaps whenever a ball finds the zone, a cardboard cutout of Bob Barker ignites.
Gotta run — late for the barbecue.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Is Tom Baxter’s hair that glorious in real life?