Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] and Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing and Communications; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:
Congratulations on drawing over 4,000 fans to the Mills Cup finale! While the team wearing your organization’s laundry failed to come through, you guys certainly packed the park, and in the end, that is what matters. Sure, championship flags fly forever (or until the flag pole breaks), but the cash registers ringing is what the minor leagues go round. The Fayetteville Woodpeckers were fourth in attendance in all of High A Ball, just behind the team that beat your team in the finals — damn good show for a stadium that barely opened on time. We will never know how the attendance would have been in the team moniker had been The Peckerwoods, but time moves forward.
As autumn creeps in, my job here is done. The California League needs saved, and the Eastern League is calling my name, so I will be bidding you guys adieu now that your cherry has been popped. I would say we had a hell of a run, and I thank you for the entertainment value you provided over the last nine months. Before I do go though I will give you one last marketing idea: you know those troll pencils? Get some made with the Woodpeckers’ logo on it, and use Mark Zarthar’s {President. Fayetteville Woodpeckers] likeness as the troll on top. Consumers will go wild to make that magnificent hair stand on its end.
Oh, lest you guys get big heads after I leave, let me remind you that while your average attendance was impressive this season (3,632), you were outdrawn on a per game basis by the Savannah Bananas of the Coastal Plain League Collegiate League(4,205). I do not think I need to remain you guys that Savannah was such a lame baseball town for decades that they lost the SAL team, and the stadium was built in 1926 and has a capacity of about 4,300, yet some madman promoter brought a team to town, and the place has been sold out for two seasons. And before you write Savannah off as a fluke, also know that the Okotokos Dawgs in the Western Canadian Collegiate League outdrew your organization. Okotokos, man. That is in Bumfuck, Alberta. As my good friend Bongwater might say, “You ain’t shit until you outdraw Okotokos.” In other words, gentlemen, stay hungry and stay lean.
The ‘Peckers will always have a special place in my heart, and I bought enough or your organization’s merchandise last summer to remain stylish for a while. I must say, I do look really good in it, especially the jersey that just pops. Perhaps I will be back down the Fayetteville was sooner than I think, and we can snort bourbon in that conference room down the right field line like real minor league executives do. I am sure my Thirsty Thursday Ambassador business card is just the clout I need to get in.
Promise me you won’t forget the the nights that haven’t happened yet. Holy shit, that is just about a perfect minor league slogan. Yo guys should drop that at the Minor League Baseball Innovators’ Summit later in the month in El Paso. Once again, I leave you with astounding advice because I am a giver (although I would not put that one on any shirts as it is a line from a song from The Hold Steady). Maybe you can get those guys to play Segra Stadium. I would return for that.
Your friend in baseball,
Bads85
Dead Religions 