Dead Religions

Dear Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

The baseball gods have bestowed great fortune upon us as the 2021 Myrtle Beach Pelicans schedule aligns with my travel schedule to South Carolina this early summer. June 1st is the target date for my triumphant first appearance at TicketReturn.com Field at Pelicans Ballpark. The minimum in our group will be eight very thirsty people, but that number could very well grow larger once word spreads, and more of my associates across the land receive there COVID vaccinations. Hopefully, I will be able to throw out the first pitch, otherwise my traveling companions will be very confused as our primary destination in South Carolina, Hilton Head Island, is not exactly just down the road. They are coming to the game to see me bring the heat.

Since this is really going to happen (barring a radical change in our travel plans with will make us substitute a Charleston RiverDogs game earlier in our trip), my travel group is requesting some concrete answers to solidify our plans.

1. What should I wear? An MiLB road warrior always must look good. Since I have Splash Bucks to spend, I am thinking a Pelicans’ jersey is in order, probably with an Inland Empire 66ers t-shirt on underneath to represent my roots. Which jersey though? I am leaning towards the home white because that would probably mesh best with my skin undertones, but the alternative blue looks sharp also. Of course, if you guys were introducing a Pirates’ logo jersey this year, well, that would be the obvious choice. I have not decided what cap to wear yet.

2.  Where should we sit? I was thinking of a luxury suite, but the furniture in the picture on your website gives me a little pause. I am sure it is just bad lighting, but those chairs and sofa look like they escaped from the Sigma Alpha Epsilon house at the University of South Carolina. Perhaps you could evoke the “Other Duties As Assigned” clause in our dear friend Hunter Horenstein’s contract and have him take some pictures around your glorious stadium so my group could make the right choice. If you are worried about any County Health restrictions with our group, the solution is very simple: just make us employees for the night. We can be your official alcohol tasters. We would take our responsibilities very seriously as we are consummate professionals. 

3. What bars should we visit before the game? I see your stadium is right across the street from something called Broadway at the Beach. We would like to avoid soulless corporate chains unless the drink special are just too good too pass up. We are not really interested in Breastraunts either. We would like a place where heavy pours are the norm, and the bartender does not want to go to bed with us. Perhaps that is not possible in Myrtle Beach, but there has to be something better than the lounge at Top Golf.

4. Since the game is on a Tuesday, I would expect the promotion schedule will not exactly have a full dance card that evening. I could probably put something together real quick that would not only entertain the fans, pay tribute to the military, and help the local community, but also secure your organization that elusive Golden Bobblehead, plus everyone gets tacos. I do give your organization permission to use my likeness in any advertising. 

5. How is your relationship with Mayor Brenda Bethune? She is going to probably want to have a photo op when she hears I will be at the stadium. I hope like certain other local politicians, she does not too clingy. I understand she has an upcoming election this year, but I am will be in Myrtle Beach to savor MiLB baseball, not write speeches. However, if it were to get the Pelicans a new video scoreboard, well, I would endorse her. 

6. Did you know that on June 1st, 1495, the first known batch of scotch was recorded? The Roundheads also defeated the Cavaliers at the Battle of Maidstone in 1648 because LeBron James had not been born yet. No way the Cavs lose to the Roundheads with him in the lineup. I think I fell a promotion coming together.

Anyway, June 1st. Mark the date. The spirit of the Carolina League will live.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Hello Rock! Unlike the state of Texas, we are back on the grid! The California League is no more, eradicated by Bobby Manfred’s goons, but the 2021 schedule for the Low A West has been released, so there will be joy in Mudville this summer (but not in Rancho Cucamonga because those phlegm suckers abhor being happy). We really have not communicated too much during this pandemic because I have been pretty much saving the world as saviors do. Plus, there was that party with the python in the shower… Not all heroes wear capes, but the good ones wear boxers.

I have a few questions about my season tickets, but first I need to ask if there is currently any beer on tap at San Manuel Stadium? The Thirsty Thursday Ambassador needs a stadium beer in the worst way, and he cannot wait until May 4th. Since I have received my COVID VAX, I am even more invincible than before, so I figured I could come down to San Manuel Stadium and have a beer with with my peeps, say like this afternoon. I am sure whoever is left in the front office would love to see me as I bring hope and inspiration to all — except for that one guy.

I am sure that GM Joe has had you guys doing all sorts of cleaning of your offices over the past year. Did happen to find a 2019 California League All Star Game polo? There will never be another California League All Star Game, although the might be an El Pollo League All Star Game because corporate sponsorship is MiLB’s new overlord. I am not really a nostalgist, but one of those All Star polos from 2019 would push back the creeping night a bit.

Hey, did you hear that the Myrtle Beach Pelicans are putting a brick with my name on it in their stadium to show their gratitude to me? They are also letting name throwout a first pitch, something I have never done at San Manuel Stadium. Who is throwing out the first pitch this Opening Night? I could use the practice, plus I picked up a few new dance moves during quarantine. 

Since I have 66er business cards, I think that means I get into the stadium for games even if County Health Department prohibits fans. Let’s face it, I am more than just a fan; I am part of THE INDUSTRY. I was even a candidate for the Wilmington Blue Rocks’ vacant GM position. I am pretty sure I was a finalist for the position, but ultimately, ownership wanted a puppet instead of profit. I mean, there was no way in hell I was going to move to Delaware, but I did not tell them that.

I am been thinking your organization needs a rebrand. The 66ers represent a past that is never coming back in our post COVID lives. I think we should go with the Inland Empire Horseman of the Apocalypse: Conquest, Famine, War, Plague, and Bernie. Yes, Rock, we are going to have five horsemen of the Apocalypse instead of four because that is just how we roll in the IE. Imagine Bernie with a scythe. Perhaps Bernie should also have a tenor saxophone to play some great end times tunes. How the women will swoon! How the merchandise will sell across the entire nation!

Your cleaning crews did not happen to find a wedding band in Section 102, did they? I lost mine about thirteen years ago not at San Manuel Stadium, but you never know how things just can turn up in unexpected places sometime. It is gold, by the way. Real gold. 

Hey, did you hear the poor Eugene Emeralds are shackled to the San Francisco Giants? I’d gnaw my leg off at the groin to escape that if that happened to me. Poor Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]. The Giants are known to practice cannibalism. I hope they do not view him as a snack.

I need to roll. You were the first of many minor league executives I need to contact now that the schedules are released. Baseball is back!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ben Abzug [Assistant General Manager; Charleston RiverDogs]:

I keep having this recurring dream, and I hope you can help my with an interpretation. I am in post-apocalyptic New Iberia, Louisiana, looking to save my acquaintance, Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]. Why he is in New Iberia changes a bit with different dreams. Some dreams it is because of a woman. Some dreams it is a call from Angels’ legend, Chuck Finley. Some dreams it is Chuck Finley’s woman. In every dream, you are  just on the fringes, laughing like a deranged lunatic for reasons I do not know.

This is especially strange because I do not know you. I barely know of the Charleston RiverDogs. I have been to Joseph P. Riley Jr. Park just once in my life, back in 2015, but I did not meet you because you really were not anyone important then. When I visit minor league stadiums, I only run elbows with front office royalty, not some guy fresh from the Appy League (now deceased). I do know that the RiverDogs are named after huge rats with enormous male appendages that swim in the Charleston harbor. I also know that Nothing Night originated in Charleston, for which I tip my hat to someone who came long before you. Did you know I once turned Nothing Night into Something Night? I am kind go s big deal on most minor league circuits. That is a story for another time though. 

In this dream, a war between good and evil is raging as Robert Manfred has somehow enslaved the Four Horseman of The Apocalypse to complete his bidding. Whenever the forces of good appear to get the upper hand, the Fifth Rider of the Apocalypse appears to start a rout.  For that reason, my traveling companions, mostly from Section 102 of San Manuel Stadium, home of the Inland Empire 66ers, steer clear of the struggle and continue our quest for the ultimate minor league baseball promotion. However, Hunter has found himself in some serious trouble, and for reasons unexplained, his boss and father figure, Ryan Moore [President, Myrtle  Beach Pelicans] is off in Woonsocket, Rhode Island, so we are in New Iberia to save his ass. 

So tell, me Ben, why do you think Ryan was in Woonsocket? Was it a Garden of Gethsemane thing, or did Ryan just have a line on some good lobster? If you cannot help me with this question, perhaps you can assist me with with some RiverDog group ticket information. You see, now that I have been properly COVID vaccinated, I plan on traveling back to what is left of the Carolina League for moral support of my compatriots delegated to Low A Ball. I am throwing out a first pitch in Myrtle Beach, plus they are putting a brick with my name on in their stadium as a token of their appreciation for my assistance during THE TROUBLES. We thought we might swing your way fro another game schedule permitting.

1. How many fully stocked wet bars are in your stadium? Can my group just rent one for the night, and you keep the unwashed masses away from my group?
2. This celebrity owner you have, Bill Murray,  — can you make sure he is not at the game we attend? You see, it is rumored that he wants nothing more to play me in a biopic, and it is usually awkward when we bump into each other in social circles. Maybe you can send him to Columbia for doughnuts or something.
3. If the weather is nice, can you still organize a tarp pull? Nothing really illustrates just how well a minor league front office works as a team more than a tarp pull. Your staff can use the practice, plus my group can give them words of encouragement and constructive criticism. 
4. Since I am the sort of official Thirsty Thursday Ambassador for MiLB and beyond, I would gladly give your fans my own personal Fan Code of Conduct Spiel, which should be much more lenient now that Pat O’Connor is gone (but not before pilfering the MiLB merchandise fund). Do you trust me with a mic, Ben?
5. Some of the members of my group like to rehydrate with IVs around the fourth inning. I figure your little Segra Club would be a dandy sport for this. Any chance we can use vodka in a saline bags? Tito’s of course, not the rotgut well stuff usually found in a Segra Lounge.
6. Did it hurt a little but when you saw Hickory was bumped up to High A Ball?

Anyway, I need to see someone about securing public funding for a stadium in Boise, Idaho, so I am going to cut this short. I am sure we have many things to discuss about my upcoming trip to your stadium and just what you are laughing at in my dreams.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Andrew Milios [Assistant General Manager; Fresno Grizzlies]:

As the sort of official Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of Minor League Baseball, I would like to take this time to welcome you to the California League. Unfortunately, this is a not a social call, but more of a wake up call. You are not in the Taxi League anymore; you are in the trenches. No prisoners are taken in the Cal League. It appears your organization is still working with a skeleton crew, probably because most of you staff has been conscripted by the merchant marines (A Cal League Euphemism for COVID furloughed). I know your organization is waiting for Bobby Manfred to give the green light to release the schedules, but that fan base is not going to cultivate itself. Soon, the hoards from Visalia will be clamoring to enter Chukchansi Park to steal your gold and flirt with your women.

Have no fear, a wizened minor league road warrior like myself is here to offer you assistance for your transition into the Cal League. First of all, you need a rebrand. It is time to shitcan the Grizzlies’ moniker. There are no California Grizzlies, Andrew, and you know why? Because Californians killed every damn last one of them.  Fresno, a pretty large city of 500,000+, is also located on a valley floor carpeted by alluvial plains. Bears do not make their homes in fields of leafy plants intersected by highways clogged with overloaded agricultural trucks.

The Utah Jazz moved to Salt Lake City from New Orleans. The Los Angeles Lakers moved from Minnesota, which is known for its lakes. The Grizzlies moved from nowhere. Once upon a time, California was known as the Bear Flag Republic when it broke away from Mexico. Bears are very important symbols in California history and culture even to this day. The original owners of the Grizzlies took a break from saddling the city of Fresno with a burdensome stadium deal and decided, “We can’t be the Cruciferous Veggies or the Mighty Arugulas! We need to have something that sounds tough — like bears! But wait, many California colleges have variations of bears as their mascots! Let’s be the Grizzlies because that sounds bad ass!”

I will leave it you your organization to use its creative prowess to come up with something better than an extinct animal, but you need to put that Parker T. Bear mascot of yours down quickly. While mange might not be contagious, his look is that of juvenile delinquents running the mean streets of Chino after they dumped peroxide on their heads to go for that surfer boy look. I would strongly suggest a phallic vegetable fruit type that looks good in a bandolier. Or maybe Ninja Raisins with really sharp swords that scare the hell out of little kids during mascot races.

You should also remember your organization is the new kid on the block in the California League, and has been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. None of the five Major League teams want you, despite that great bar in left field. Know your place, Noob. Had Lancaster not caught its scoreboard on fire so many times with fireworks in the high winds, you could very well be in the Pecos League doing the Monterey Shuffle. Be grateful you are here, and start selling some tickets. And lean into the positive: Fresno is the largest city ever in a Low A league. Think of the marketing possibilities, especially is you combine that with “Fresno: we are close to National Parks, but the furthest thing from a National Park.

There is another thing you should know: The California League is a burrito league, and you are a taco truck town — glorious, glorious taco trucks, but inferior food products just the same. While there is plenty of room for both burritos and tacos in this world, “Mojitos After Burritos” will ways trump “Tacos Before Vatos”. I speak with the authority of a Celebrity Judge of many a burrito tasting contest. Burritos and tacos can always get along, but there is a pecking order.

As you will soon learn, I am a giver. It is just my nature to reach out and help. Here is a great promotion your organization can implement:

Hooked on Phonics… and Cocaine. This community outreach promotion is sure to win a Golden Bobblehead as it assists both young readers and the drug fiends. Word fun and rehab! Phonemes and psychotherapeutics! Oliver the Ornament and Shakey Davey!

Anyway, I have a  baseball  stadium in Boise I need to finance. Talk to you soon.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Andy Milovich [Retired MiLB Front Office Legend]:

I hope I am not being too forward reaching out to you in your retirement, but I saw you responding to MiLB twitter accounts that are not o the way home, so I am betting that you still want to have some skin in the game. I saw you post a beautiful sunset at TicketReturn.com Field at Pelicans Ballpark, which made my heart soar because I will soon have my own engraved brick in Robert Grissom Plaza. Ryan Moore [President] and Hunter Horenstein [Director of Gan Engagement] seem to be appreciative of my efforts to keep their spirts up after the Pelicans were denied any Golden Bobbleheads back in 2019.

I also get to throw out the first pitch of the game I will be attending in 2021, COVID willing. It should be the social event of the season as I will be flying in with eight golfing buddies, most who happen to be grizzled California League veterans. I am sure some of my baseball writer friends will make the trek also, as well as certain Carolina League compadres. If the schedule makers are kind, perhaps the Down East Wood Ducks will be in town and Wade Howell [Vice President} will join us. Out of professional admiration, I extend an invitation to you. Perhaps we can partake in a few SHOTS like wizened MiLB road warriors are wont to do when they first meet.

I must confess, Andy, this is more than a social call. My new MiLB endeavor is to bring affiliated baseball back to Boise, Idaho in a privately financed downtown stadium while sticking it to Bobby Manfred for decimating short season baseball. Since I am not sure if I trust the current ownership of the Boise Hawks because they have flubbed three stadium locations already, my original plan was to buy them out and proceed from there. However, since I did not win that Power Ball thingy last week, I am back to rolling hobos for their recyclables at Seccombe Lake in San Bernardino, California until the jackpot swells again. Well, not me because robbing the homeless is a crime, but my associate Peacock does it because he does not know any better. Eventually, we will get there, but time is now becoming of essence because MLB expansion is coming west sooner than later.

Do not worry; I am not contacting who for fundraising. You have probably heard that I am spiritually rich, plus I run with a gang of noble outlaws that are quite adept at filling war chests. This is much bigger than baseball in Boise; it is about finally putting the blackhearted Bobby Manfred out to pasture and restoring MiLB to its high wheeling, swashbuckling days where mascot swooning was kept to a minimum. Basically, I need some old school credibility to ride shotgun on this journey. I need a man that truly understands that the bond formed between the crowd and an MiLB organization during a successful promotion is more powerful than 1000 tweets about a bat dog or a club’s BRAND Yes, social media has it place in today’s business, but HUMAN CONNECTION is what make the cash registers ring. 

MiLB can be summed up with the Bus Story. In 2013, after the San Jose Giants clinched the Northern Division Championship of the California League, the team was immediately awarded with a bus ride to Southern California to play either the Inland Empire 66ers or the Lancaster JetHawks, who were playing the deciding game of the Southern Division Championship. When the bus pulled out of the stadium parking lot, the Giants were not sure who their opponent would be as the the southern playoff teams were still playing as the Southern Championship game had gone to extra innings However, the bus driver knew to go south, and he would get the final destination via his radio, so through the night the Giants’ bus went into the San Joaquin Valley as the smell of rotting corpse of Tom Joad permeated the air.

Meanwhile, the 66ers and JetHawks kept playing. And playing. And playing. Eventually, the bus came to a fork in road the Sierra Pelona Mountains– one way was San Bernardino; the other was Lancaster. The bus was forced to pull over on the side of the road, idling until the 66ers would eventually win in fifteen innings after the clock stuck two in the morning. No remembers it was Abel Baker for the 66ers who drove in Angel Rosa in the fifteenth that night, but some still picture that bus doing its Robert Frost imitation in the desert morning, wondering which way to go with miles to go before the team could sleep.

Most fans do not remember the bus story at all though. And why would they? The minors are a fresh slate each year, players, coaches, stats, and records all pulled out to sea by the tide known as the passing of time. Memories in the minors usually do not last through Christmas. Still, the bus idling in the pines of Gorman on a September night is a damn near perfect snapshot of the minors, To the east, one destiny. To the south, another. But first we must wait for other paths to catch up. And sometimes, as possibly in your case, we get back on the bus and ride into the future — or run from the law.

Are you up for the ride Andy? You do not even have to leave your desk at Sophos Marketing. This journey is spiritual, although it is a great deal more fun if one is there in person for Thirsty Thursday.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

Hello, my good man. I believe congratulations are in order since you were the feature piece in a BehindSports article this week. My phone has been blowing up with all my baseball writing friends saying things like, “Hey, isn’t that the guy you were going to steal the Oscar Mayer Weinermodible with last year?” Or, “I believe this guy is your Kinston Corn Hole partner.” Or, “I thought that guy wore BURGUNDY PANTS.” I bet you did not know you are kind of a big deal in the baseball writing community.

I do not think I ever complimented your absolute professionalism when we talked on the phone a few weeks back when I called to purchase enough Splash Cash to earn my brick. I must ask, did you know it was me on the other end of that call as you deftly deflected me to Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]? When the office phone rings now, do you ever briefly wonder it is me before you see the caller ID? How is my brick coming along anyway?

Hopefully the new MiLB schedule will be out very soon so I can finalize my golf trip to the Carolinas that will revolve around my grand appearance at your stadium. I am still not sure exactly who will be on my guest list, but I do know my personal physician will be along. No one is going to freak out if he hooks us to IVs in one of the luxury suites while we are at the game, right? We take the mantra “Hydrate or Die!” very seriously when we are on the road. You have my word that there will be no barbiturates in the saline — hard core ones at least. Some muscle relaxers might be included to keep my back loose for golf.

Hey, I was thinking, maybe we can schedule the Weinermobile to be at the stadium the night I throw out the first pitch. Perhaps you and I can ride around in it around the park, waving to our adoring, cheering fans. Perhaps we can have a cold beverage between our legs and take some nips while Ryan is not looking. Maybe the Weinermobile can buzz the Knocker Ball competition that night. 

I am not sure it you heard, but I was a somewhat serious candidate for the Wilmington Blue Rocks’ general manager position. They ultimately hired Vince Bulik as their General Manager instead of me because they wanted a puppet rather than profit, but I am not sure how committed I was to that position. I am not sure I would want to work for an organization that abandoned the Carolina League, plus I am not sure that David Heller [CEO; Main Street Baseball] and I have resolved all the nastiness that went down in Adelanto a few years back. Plus, the temptation to throw Mr. Celery into a blender just might have been too great.

I have also created a task force to bring AAA baseball to Boise, Idaho via a new downtown stadium. I have not informed the Hawks of this because I just might cut them out of the deal and start fresh. I mean, they have already pissed away the prime locations, and I have a much better relationship with corporate sponsors than their emaciated staff. If I win that Power Ball thingy, I should have the capital to finance my own stadium. Or I could just build a new stadium i the Inland Empire and offer you can assistant general manager position, and take Knocker Ball to a new level around here..

Well, today is the eve of a three day weekend, so I am going to let you go to earnestly start day drinking. Once the Pelicans’s schedule is released, I am sure we will have a great deal to plan.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads95

PS: Did you see me wearing the Pelican’s Pirate logo at Tucson National Golf Club this week? How is that for some national marketing!

Dear Dave Heller [President and CEO of Main Street Baseball]:

Good day, kind sir! I see you have still not filled the position of General Manager with the Wilmington Blue Rocks. You lost a legend when Andrew Layman, the man who brought us Mr. Celery, retired rather than face Bobby Manfred’s cruel new world. You probably should look to fill a legend’s position with another legend, and that is where your old acquaintance Bads85 can fill the the void, plus help your organization handle the transition to the new Mid Atlantic League. 

As you well know, my minor league experience is extensive, dating back to the beer gardens at Fiscalini Field in San Bernardino in 1991 when the California League was still the Wild West. Thirsty Thursdays back then meant $1.00 sixty-four ounce pitchers of Coors Light. Currently I have business cards bestowed to me by Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] to prove that I am the official Thirty Thursday Ambassador of MiLB and beyond. While great responsibilities come with the title, my true contributions to MiLB come from my unofficial positions of Promotions Whisperer and Smoke Jumper of the Devil’s Arcade.

I am almost certain that you are cognizant that I have worked with numerous minor league executives over the years, many who have left the business because of the lack of a decent wage. While I treasure my time with these souls, there are only two types of people in this industry: lifers or quitters. But I digress, In 2019, my travels brought Daniel S. Frawley Stadium. I had been doing some heavy lifting with the front offices in Fayetteville and Kinston, as was passing through Wilmington en route to the Eastern League. Jason Estes [former Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks] had promised me a Whit Goodman Bobblehead, but our signals were crossed, and I never met him that night. Rumor was he had passed out under his desk after too many Wild Turkey shots, but I doubt a consummate professional like Jason would do that. I do believe you organization still owes me one those Whit Goodman bobbleheads though. I am sure that can be easily resolved if I come work for your organization. If not, well, we both have good lawyers.

I see you are “looking for a joyful leader who is smart, dynamic, intellectually curious and able both to inspire and work collaboratively with a diverse group of people.” I have all that tattooed to my soul, so we do not have to dwell too much on that other than to say I will be so much more than just the gorgeous face of the Blue Rocks, I will be the Shane Falco who get the club across the goal line. Or the Johnny Utah who get his man. Or the quasi ghost that gets the girl at the lake house.

My vision for the Blue Rocks is straightforward: use the team to turn Wilmington into the epicenter of the Mid Atlantic Coast. The path is clear — expanded corporate sponsorship and high profile promotions. Yes, the Blue Rocks have an exemplary corporate sponsor base that is the envy of most MiLB teams, but unless a front office is trying to double their sponsorships, they are doing it wrong. Retention and expansion are the two cornerstones of corporate sponsorship, and Blue Rocks region is begging for seed to be sown. Who better to help spread that seed than the current President-Elect of the United States, who was once a lifeguard in Wilmington? Invite Mr. Biden to throw out the first pitch of the first Saturday night game of the season, and have the team in alternative Corn Pop jerseys, and not only do you win ALL the Golden Bobbleheads, but corporate sponsors from Newark to Alexandria are going to want some Blue Rock action.

While moving to a new league, the Blue Rocks do not quite need a full rebrand, but some re-tooling is required, especially in the mascot area. No, we are not talking about throwing Mr. Celery in a blender, but perhaps having him fall in love with Miss Clamato, and presto, Bloody Caesar alternative uniforms. And your moose? Well, it needs to get loose and develop an outlaw side. The Pat O’Connor (The king is dead! Long Live the King!) organized family fun era is over. Blue Winkle needs a shooter, and Rubble needs an ammo belt.

Let’s get to an important part of this negotiation: my salary requirements. Fortunately for you, I am spiritually wealthy, so I do not require a great deal of financial compensation. Humility also dictates that I decline a personal parking space. I would request a golf cart that resembles the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile to tool around the facility, but even that is negotiable.  However, please realize the mere idea that I have interest in this position is a huge boon for your organization’s reputation. When other clubs hear that Bads85 is an official candidate for this open position, they are going to realize that Blue Rocks are flexing some serious minor league street cred. 

As for “constant interaction with city and state officials”, please know that I have watched all episodes of The Wire at least three times, plus I used to run with former Senator Barbara Boxer (CA) in a relationship that can only be politely described as torrid. Babs and I taught each other a thing or two.

I look forward to hearing from you quickly. In deference to transparency, I will let you know that other organizations are very interested in my services, but you probably already knew that.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ryan Moore [President and General Manger; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

Congratulations on obtaining the title of President. With all the changes in Minor League Baseball, you are one of the Old Guard now. Have you issued any executive orders yet? I would suggest mandating that everyone on your staff carry scimitars while at work to give your park more of a pirate feeling. This title also means you have the absolute authority to offer me gainful employment with the Myrtle Beach Pelicans. No hoops to jump through or attached strings; just a contract to sign. As you know, I am spiritually wealthy, so we do not even need to discuss compensation at this time. 

You will be the talk of the Carolina League when word gets out that you offered me a contract.  Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks] and Allen Lawerence [General Manager; Salem Red Sox] will be quite envious, and whoever os running the ‘Peckers of Fayetteville will look for a steaming bowl of phlegm to swallow to surpass their rage. Let’s face it; the Carolina League needs some sunny news after what Bobby Manfred did to it — and the California League also. However, instead of lamenting being placed on the Low A circuit, I say both leagues should look at it as an open invitation to go full OUTLAW. 

Now that Pat O’ Connor has been deposed (The king is dead! Long live the king!), the strict adherence to family values can be loosened a bit. I am not talking about Lap Dance Wednesdays because as I am sure you know, strippers inside a ballpark in which players are present is a certain recipe for disaster. However, would it not be nice to have a few mascot races where the little kid loses? Year after years, game after game, the same result. Not anymore, Ryan, Not anymore. Those little kids are going to have to earn their victories, or taste the bitter defeat that will help build character.

I am probably sure you are wondering just what position I would fill with your organization since you already have an elite crew. I think “Bads85: Director of Creative Thought” would look really good on a Myrtle Beach Pelicans’ business card. 

1. Young Widow Night: free drinks for anyone who has recently lost a spouse to war, pestilence, car accidents, COVID, etc. Old widows need not apply.
2. Teacher Dunk Tanks: the charity fundraising ceiling is around Mars on this one. Kids will spend it all to dump Mr. Ledwig, the sadistic math teacher, into the tank time and time again. 
3. The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile Thunder Dome: Twelve Hotdoggers enter; one leaves.
4. Hit Hunter in the Nuts with a Bat — this between innings promotion needs no explanation.
5. Stand in Quicksand for Attention Deficit Disor—- whoa, I just received an email from your organization that my Pirate merchandise is going to be shipped soon! Soon, I will grace the fairways of Redland Country Club with my MYRTLE BEACH PELICANS PIRATE LOGO VANTAGE APPAREL BLACK HIGHLINE POLO. 

Hey, how is my engraved brick in Robert Grissom Plaza coming along? I know this is not the time of year that this type of work is done, but I would sleep much better if I at least knew the general location of where my brick will be. I am a patient man as evidenced how long I can wait for Eugene Emeralds’ gear to be shipped to my home (I swear they send it via the Pony Express through Skokie, Illinois)], but this brick thing is pretty big. People from all around the country will be venturing to Myrtle Beach when I show out that first pitch.

Speaking of which, any idea when the 2021 schedule is coming out? Late January? February?Never? Logistics is all about planning, and I need a target date for my traveling companions. VRBO is going to be hopping once those country gets the COVID vaccine. I do not want to be shut out and have to pitch a tent in a state park. I am supposed to be in Hilton Head in late Ma, but that is not exactly close to Myrtle Beach via land transportation. If I come later in the season, I am going to need a base of operations for my crew, plus group seating. I was perusing your luxury boxes, and BOUNCING BABY BASEBALL GODS ON A POGO STICK, your organization’s prices are incredibly inexpensive. Are these real luxury boxes, or roach invested cubicles? Is there a bar service? Food? Massage? Has anyone ever died in these boxes? 

Anyway, I need to soak my tired bones in the hot tub. Winter golf takes its toll a bit earlier in the day.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85 

PS: My Pirate gear just arrived! Too bad Gavin Newsom a=has the state on lockdown.

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Hello, Rock! Sorry I have not reached out to you in these dismal times, but I was told you had been conscripted into the Merchant Marines (jargon in the MiLB industry for being furloughed). Imagine my excitement earlier this when I found out you were still gainfully employed by the Inland Empire 66ers. We do not have any time to for tearful reunions though as we must prepare for the California League’s transition to Low A Ball. 

I must say initially I was a a little distraught about being the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador for Low A Ball. What am I, some sort of peasant? However,  I realized that Thirty Thursday transcends league classifications, plus I am gorgeous, so the show will go on. Also, I figured since I have to watch Low A ball, I will receive a sweet, sweet season ticket discount from your organization, plus a massive beer discount since this is now the lowest rung of the minors (excluding rookie leagues at camp).

You are probably going to have season ticket holders that are not as enlightened as I and will only look at the negatives of being a fan of Low A Ball. Fortunately. I already have solutions for that beyond reducing beer prices because as you know, I am the type of guy who can adapt on the go. You guys need to baulk a marketing campaign around RAW TALENT to promote the players team. Perhaps you should inquire about borrowing a tiger from a local zoo and tossing it some uncooked steaks for a promotional video. Hey, you know what would be fun? Tigers and knockerball! 

Speaking of knockerball, did you hear the masters of that sport, the Myrtle Beach Pelicans, have offered me an engraved brick in the pavilion of their stadium as a way of thanking me for all my support over the last year? Yes, it is pretty heady stuff, but MiLB is one big family, complete with the crazy uncle who puts his scrotum in the mashed potatoes every holiday. They are also putting “Bads85: Thirsty Thursday Ambassador” on a placard on one of their outfield walls. I get to throw out a first pitch too. I am sure there will be parade in which I get to wave to all the locals. I wish everyone i the 66ers’ front office could join me, but you guys are shackled to San Manuel Stadium during the season. Perhaps we can replicate the experience at a 66ers game before I travel to Myrtle Beach. 

As you surely know by now, the Fresno Grizzlies will be joining the California League this year. Why a city that is a junction of an agriculture highway would name their team after a bear has always been troubling, but that town certainly knows how to host a taco truck throw down, so we should cut them a little slack. The Dino is a burrito town, and we need to make it clear to those Ag Heads that while tacos are tasty and cute, burritos rule the Cal League. If they cannot live with that truth, they can take their stadium debt to the Pecos League. Of course, there is room in this world for both tacos and burritos, so this is really an old fashioned turf war, and nobody treads on The Dino.

Right now, the Grizzlies are hurting, sulking because the politicians and suits sold them down the river. There is no better time to kick them in the nuts to establish early dominance. First though, you need to inform Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] that Chukchansi Park in Fresno has much cheaper beer prices than San Manuel Stadium, which is one of the reasons that draw over 6,000 fans a game. It is going to be hard to repeat as the Cal League attendance leader, so GM Joe better slash those beer prices PRONTO.

Once beer prices are respectable again, it is tie to inform the Grizzlies that the Cal League has a dress code, and that some of their alternative jerseys just do not pass muster.  Also remind them that one of the first professional baseball teams in Fresno were named the Raisin Eaters, and that Fresno lost a Cal League to Salinas in the 1980s. Make it clear to them that they need to up their game to be in the Cal League. Once you established the proper pecking order, ask them for some luxury box seats so we can road trip up there. 

Anyway, keep me posted on any earlier start times with the schedule. I might need to get seats in the shade now that Robert Manfred [MLB Commissioner and Satan’s Official Destroyer of Dreams] has altered our way of living,

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

Thank you allowing me to give you my money today. As you know, I am a giver, and it warms my heart to be part of the Back the Birds’ program. I would have donated sooner, but I was waiting for the affiliation lists to be published. After all, I am not sure if I would want an engraved brick in Robert Grissom Plaza at TicketReturn.com Field at Pelicans Ballpark if the Pelicans were thrust into a college wood bat league, or you and Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement] were furloughed. However, I came to the realization that line of thinking approaches elitism, and we all should be one big happy MiLB family, except for the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes.

Anyway, I bet you or Hunter did not wake up expecting to be talking to Bads85. I was pleasantly surprised when I realized it was Hunter who had answered the front office phone. I did not tell him who I was because I did not want to throw him off his professional game, or have him hang up on me. Let me tell you, Hunter has excellent phone skills. I am sure he probably pieced together just who I was, which is why I was transferred to you, but his voice did not waver once. In the business, we call that a consummate professional. He is going to be a fine assistant general manager soon.

I apologize if I did not come across as cordial and warm in our discussion. Normally, I am much more bubbly in discussions with front office executives, but time was becoming a factor as I was calling between classes. Had we started sharing stories of the road, soon the bourbon would have been flowing on both ends of the phone conversation, and my professional calendar just would not allow that. Plus, I did not want you to think I was a a weirdo or something. Now that I am an official Back the Bird Dude, I am sure there will be ample time for those type of discussions in the future. Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] is going to be so jealous.

Well, at least I think I am a member of Back the Birds. I have not received a confirmation email, nor has my credit card been billed yet. Would not that be a hoot a if Hunter and you were pulling a prank on me! “Wait for your picture of the brick, Bads85. It is coming soon!” You already guys pranked most of the industry with our partnership announcement today with OBVIOUS SHIRTS® (I will be purchasing a the Thirsty Thursday knock off because as you know, that is my turf), so maybe I should be worried that you and Hunter on a cocaine fueled shopping binge with my credit card. Good thing the Blockbuster Video Card I gave you has ample theft protection.

Not to be that pain in the ass customer, but I do have a personal favor to ask of you. Can we keep the fact that I paid for the brick between us? I totally plan on using this brick as leverage with other clubs as well as putting it on my resume’ under  “Awards”. 

I do have a couple questions about when I make my appearance at your stadium this season, COVID willing. 

1. Has anyone ever parachuted in your stadium to throw out the first pitch? Or landed on a helicopter? If we arrange this, will you allow me the professional courtesy of not checking my shorts for a flask?
2. Any possibility we can have that big ass water tower behind the stadium temporarily moved? I anticipate many people will want to take pictures with me that night, and it sort of mars the backdrop.
3. Does your restaurant suite have ample room for a band with a horn section?
4. I see patrons can rent the field for up to ninety minutes. Does that include a cocktail service?
5. Are metal spikes allowed for Knocker Ball?

Anyway, I probably should be going. After talking to you today, I feel I have know you my whole life — well, at least for a year. Kind of. Sort of.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85