Dear Ryan Moore [President and General Manger; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
Congratulations on obtaining the title of President. With all the changes in Minor League Baseball, you are one of the Old Guard now. Have you issued any executive orders yet? I would suggest mandating that everyone on your staff carry scimitars while at work to give your park more of a pirate feeling. This title also means you have the absolute authority to offer me gainful employment with the Myrtle Beach Pelicans. No hoops to jump through or attached strings; just a contract to sign. As you know, I am spiritually wealthy, so we do not even need to discuss compensation at this time.
You will be the talk of the Carolina League when word gets out that you offered me a contract. Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks] and Allen Lawerence [General Manager; Salem Red Sox] will be quite envious, and whoever os running the ‘Peckers of Fayetteville will look for a steaming bowl of phlegm to swallow to surpass their rage. Let’s face it; the Carolina League needs some sunny news after what Bobby Manfred did to it — and the California League also. However, instead of lamenting being placed on the Low A circuit, I say both leagues should look at it as an open invitation to go full OUTLAW.
Now that Pat O’ Connor has been deposed (The king is dead! Long live the king!), the strict adherence to family values can be loosened a bit. I am not talking about Lap Dance Wednesdays because as I am sure you know, strippers inside a ballpark in which players are present is a certain recipe for disaster. However, would it not be nice to have a few mascot races where the little kid loses? Year after years, game after game, the same result. Not anymore, Ryan, Not anymore. Those little kids are going to have to earn their victories, or taste the bitter defeat that will help build character.
I am probably sure you are wondering just what position I would fill with your organization since you already have an elite crew. I think “Bads85: Director of Creative Thought” would look really good on a Myrtle Beach Pelicans’ business card.
- Young Widow Night: free drinks for anyone who has recently lost a spouse to war, pestilence, car accidents, COVID, etc. Old widows need not apply.
- Teacher Dunk Tanks: the charity fundraising ceiling is around Mars on this one. Kids will spend it all to dump Mr. Ledwig, the sadistic math teacher, into the tank time and time again.
- The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile Thunder Dome: Twelve Hotdoggers enter; one leaves.
- Hit Hunter in the Nuts with a Bat — this between innings promotion needs no explanation.
- Stand in Quicksand for Attention Deficit Disor—- whoa, I just received an email from your organization that my Pirate merchandise is going to be shipped soon! Soon, I will grace the fairways of Redland Country Club with my MYRTLE BEACH PELICANS PIRATE LOGO VANTAGE APPAREL BLACK HIGHLINE POLO.
Hey, how is my engraved brick in Robert Grissom Plaza coming along? I know this is not the time of year that this type of work is done, but I would sleep much better if I at least knew the general location of where my brick will be. I am a patient man as evidenced how long I can wait for Eugene Emeralds’ gear to be shipped to my home (I swear they send it via the Pony Express through Skokie, Illinois)], but this brick thing is pretty big. People from all around the country will be venturing to Myrtle Beach when I show out that first pitch.
Speaking of which, any idea when the 2021 schedule is coming out? Late January? February?Never? Logistics is all about planning, and I need a target date for my traveling companions. VRBO is going to be hopping once those country gets the COVID vaccine. I do not want to be shut out and have to pitch a tent in a state park. I am supposed to be in Hilton Head in late Ma, but that is not exactly close to Myrtle Beach via land transportation. If I come later in the season, I am going to need a base of operations for my crew, plus group seating. I was perusing your luxury boxes, and BOUNCING BABY BASEBALL GODS ON A POGO STICK, your organization’s prices are incredibly inexpensive. Are these real luxury boxes, or roach invested cubicles? Is there a bar service? Food? Massage? Has anyone ever died in these boxes?
Anyway, I need to soak my tired bones in the hot tub. Winter golf takes its toll a bit earlier in the day.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: My Pirate gear just arrived! Too bad Gavin Newsom a=has the state on lockdown.