Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
Thank you allowing me to give you my money today. As you know, I am a giver, and it warms my heart to be part of the Back the Birds’ program. I would have donated sooner, but I was waiting for the affiliation lists to be published. After all, I am not sure if I would want an engraved brick in Robert Grissom Plaza at TicketReturn.com Field at Pelicans Ballpark if the Pelicans were thrust into a college wood bat league, or you and Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement] were furloughed. However, I came to the realization that line of thinking approaches elitism, and we all should be one big happy MiLB family, except for the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes.
Anyway, I bet you or Hunter did not wake up expecting to be talking to Bads85. I was pleasantly surprised when I realized it was Hunter who had answered the front office phone. I did not tell him who I was because I did not want to throw him off his professional game, or have him hang up on me. Let me tell you, Hunter has excellent phone skills. I am sure he probably pieced together just who I was, which is why I was transferred to you, but his voice did not waver once. In the business, we call that a consummate professional. He is going to be a fine assistant general manager soon.
I apologize if I did not come across as cordial and warm in our discussion. Normally, I am much more bubbly in discussions with front office executives, but time was becoming a factor as I was calling between classes. Had we started sharing stories of the road, soon the bourbon would have been flowing on both ends of the phone conversation, and my professional calendar just would not allow that. Plus, I did not want you to think I was a a weirdo or something. Now that I am an official Back the Bird Dude, I am sure there will be ample time for those type of discussions in the future. Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] is going to be so jealous.
Well, at least I think I am a member of Back the Birds. I have not received a confirmation email, nor has my credit card been billed yet. Would not that be a hoot a if Hunter and you were pulling a prank on me! “Wait for your picture of the brick, Bads85. It is coming soon!” You already guys pranked most of the industry with our partnership announcement today with OBVIOUS SHIRTS® (I will be purchasing a the Thirsty Thursday knock off because as you know, that is my turf), so maybe I should be worried that you and Hunter on a cocaine fueled shopping binge with my credit card. Good thing the Blockbuster Video Card I gave you has ample theft protection.
Not to be that pain in the ass customer, but I do have a personal favor to ask of you. Can we keep the fact that I paid for the brick between us? I totally plan on using this brick as leverage with other clubs as well as putting it on my resume’ under “Awards”.
I do have a couple questions about when I make my appearance at your stadium this season, COVID willing.
- Has anyone ever parachuted in your stadium to throw out the first pitch? Or landed on a helicopter? If we arrange this, will you allow me the professional courtesy of not checking my shorts for a flask?
- Any possibility we can have that big ass water tower behind the stadium temporarily moved? I anticipate many people will want to take pictures with me that night, and it sort of mars the backdrop.
- Does your restaurant suite have ample room for a band with a horn section?
- I see patrons can rent the field for up to ninety minutes. Does that include a cocktail service?
- Are metal spikes allowed for Knocker Ball?
Anyway, I probably should be going. After talking to you today, I feel I have know you my whole life — well, at least for a year. Kind of. Sort of.
Your friend in baseball,