Dear Ben Abzug [Assistant General Manager; Charleston RiverDogs]:
I keep having this recurring dream, and I hope you can help my with an interpretation. I am in post-apocalyptic New Iberia, Louisiana, looking to save my acquaintance, Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]. Why he is in New Iberia changes a bit with different dreams. Some dreams it is because of a woman. Some dreams it is a call from Angels’ legend, Chuck Finley. Some dreams it is Chuck Finley’s woman. In every dream, you are just on the fringes, laughing like a deranged lunatic for reasons I do not know.
This is especially strange because I do not know you. I barely know of the Charleston RiverDogs. I have been to Joseph P. Riley Jr. Park just once in my life, back in 2015, but I did not meet you because you really were not anyone important then. When I visit minor league stadiums, I only run elbows with front office royalty, not some guy fresh from the Appy League (now deceased). I do know that the RiverDogs are named after huge rats with enormous male appendages that swim in the Charleston harbor. I also know that Nothing Night originated in Charleston, for which I tip my hat to someone who came long before you. Did you know I once turned Nothing Night into Something Night? I am kind go s big deal on most minor league circuits. That is a story for another time though.
In this dream, a war between good and evil is raging as Robert Manfred has somehow enslaved the Four Horseman of The Apocalypse to complete his bidding. Whenever the forces of good appear to get the upper hand, the Fifth Rider of the Apocalypse appears to start a rout. For that reason, my traveling companions, mostly from Section 102 of San Manuel Stadium, home of the Inland Empire 66ers, steer clear of the struggle and continue our quest for the ultimate minor league baseball promotion. However, Hunter has found himself in some serious trouble, and for reasons unexplained, his boss and father figure, Ryan Moore [President, Myrtle Beach Pelicans] is off in Woonsocket, Rhode Island, so we are in New Iberia to save his ass.
So tell, me Ben, why do you think Ryan was in Woonsocket? Was it a Garden of Gethsemane thing, or did Ryan just have a line on some good lobster? If you cannot help me with this question, perhaps you can assist me with with some RiverDog group ticket information. You see, now that I have been properly COVID vaccinated, I plan on traveling back to what is left of the Carolina League for moral support of my compatriots delegated to Low A Ball. I am throwing out a first pitch in Myrtle Beach, plus they are putting a brick with my name on in their stadium as a token of their appreciation for my assistance during THE TROUBLES. We thought we might swing your way fro another game schedule permitting.
- How many fully stocked wet bars are in your stadium? Can my group just rent one for the night, and you keep the unwashed masses away from my group?
- This celebrity owner you have, Bill Murray, — can you make sure he is not at the game we attend? You see, it is rumored that he wants nothing more to play me in a biopic, and it is usually awkward when we bump into each other in social circles. Maybe you can send him to Columbia for doughnuts or something.
- If the weather is nice, can you still organize a tarp pull? Nothing really illustrates just how well a minor league front office works as a team more than a tarp pull. Your staff can use the practice, plus my group can give them words of encouragement and constructive criticism.
- Since I am the sort of official Thirsty Thursday Ambassador for MiLB and beyond, I would gladly give your fans my own personal Fan Code of Conduct Spiel, which should be much more lenient now that Pat O’Connor is gone (but not before pilfering the MiLB merchandise fund). Do you trust me with a mic, Ben?
- Some of the members of my group like to rehydrate with IVs around the fourth inning. I figure your little Segra Club would be a dandy sport for this. Any chance we can use vodka in a saline bags? Tito’s of course, not the rotgut well stuff usually found in a Segra Lounge.
- Did it hurt a little but when you saw Hickory was bumped up to High A Ball?
Anyway, I need to see someone about securing public funding for a stadium in Boise, Idaho, so I am going to cut this short. I am sure we have many things to discuss about my upcoming trip to your stadium and just what you are laughing at in my dreams.
Your friend in baseball,