Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:
Hello, Rock! Sorry I have not reached out to you in these dismal times, but I was told you had been conscripted into the Merchant Marines (jargon in the MiLB industry for being furloughed). Imagine my excitement earlier this when I found out you were still gainfully employed by the Inland Empire 66ers. We do not have any time to for tearful reunions though as we must prepare for the California League’s transition to Low A Ball.
I must say initially I was a a little distraught about being the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador for Low A Ball. What am I, some sort of peasant? However, I realized that Thirty Thursday transcends league classifications, plus I am gorgeous, so the show will go on. Also, I figured since I have to watch Low A ball, I will receive a sweet, sweet season ticket discount from your organization, plus a massive beer discount since this is now the lowest rung of the minors (excluding rookie leagues at camp).
You are probably going to have season ticket holders that are not as enlightened as I and will only look at the negatives of being a fan of Low A Ball. Fortunately. I already have solutions for that beyond reducing beer prices because as you know, I am the type of guy who can adapt on the go. You guys need to baulk a marketing campaign around RAW TALENT to promote the players team. Perhaps you should inquire about borrowing a tiger from a local zoo and tossing it some uncooked steaks for a promotional video. Hey, you know what would be fun? Tigers and knockerball!
Speaking of knockerball, did you hear the masters of that sport, the Myrtle Beach Pelicans, have offered me an engraved brick in the pavilion of their stadium as a way of thanking me for all my support over the last year? Yes, it is pretty heady stuff, but MiLB is one big family, complete with the crazy uncle who puts his scrotum in the mashed potatoes every holiday. They are also putting “Bads85: Thirsty Thursday Ambassador” on a placard on one of their outfield walls. I get to throw out a first pitch too. I am sure there will be parade in which I get to wave to all the locals. I wish everyone i the 66ers’ front office could join me, but you guys are shackled to San Manuel Stadium during the season. Perhaps we can replicate the experience at a 66ers game before I travel to Myrtle Beach.
As you surely know by now, the Fresno Grizzlies will be joining the California League this year. Why a city that is a junction of an agriculture highway would name their team after a bear has always been troubling, but that town certainly knows how to host a taco truck throw down, so we should cut them a little slack. The Dino is a burrito town, and we need to make it clear to those Ag Heads that while tacos are tasty and cute, burritos rule the Cal League. If they cannot live with that truth, they can take their stadium debt to the Pecos League. Of course, there is room in this world for both tacos and burritos, so this is really an old fashioned turf war, and nobody treads on The Dino.
Right now, the Grizzlies are hurting, sulking because the politicians and suits sold them down the river. There is no better time to kick them in the nuts to establish early dominance. First though, you need to inform Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] that Chukchansi Park in Fresno has much cheaper beer prices than San Manuel Stadium, which is one of the reasons that draw over 6,000 fans a game. It is going to be hard to repeat as the Cal League attendance leader, so GM Joe better slash those beer prices PRONTO.
Once beer prices are respectable again, it is tie to inform the Grizzlies that the Cal League has a dress code, and that some of their alternative jerseys just do not pass muster. Also remind them that one of the first professional baseball teams in Fresno were named the Raisin Eaters, and that Fresno lost a Cal League to Salinas in the 1980s. Make it clear to them that they need to up their game to be in the Cal League. Once you established the proper pecking order, ask them for some luxury box seats so we can road trip up there.
Anyway, keep me posted on any earlier start times with the schedule. I might need to get seats in the shade now that Robert Manfred [MLB Commissioner and Satan’s Official Destroyer of Dreams] has altered our way of living,
Your friend in baseball,