Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
Hello, my good man. I believe congratulations are in order since you were the feature piece in a BehindSports article this week. My phone has been blowing up with all my baseball writing friends saying things like, “Hey, isn’t that the guy you were going to steal the Oscar Mayer Weinermodible with last year?” Or, “I believe this guy is your Kinston Corn Hole partner.” Or, “I thought that guy wore BURGUNDY PANTS.” I bet you did not know you are kind of a big deal in the baseball writing community.
I do not think I ever complimented your absolute professionalism when we talked on the phone a few weeks back when I called to purchase enough Splash Cash to earn my brick. I must ask, did you know it was me on the other end of that call as you deftly deflected me to Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]? When the office phone rings now, do you ever briefly wonder it is me before you see the caller ID? How is my brick coming along anyway?
Hopefully the new MiLB schedule will be out very soon so I can finalize my golf trip to the Carolinas that will revolve around my grand appearance at your stadium. I am still not sure exactly who will be on my guest list, but I do know my personal physician will be along. No one is going to freak out if he hooks us to IVs in one of the luxury suites while we are at the game, right? We take the mantra “Hydrate or Die!” very seriously when we are on the road. You have my word that there will be no barbiturates in the saline — hard core ones at least. Some muscle relaxers might be included to keep my back loose for golf.
Hey, I was thinking, maybe we can schedule the Weinermobile to be at the stadium the night I throw out the first pitch. Perhaps you and I can ride around in it around the park, waving to our adoring, cheering fans. Perhaps we can have a cold beverage between our legs and take some nips while Ryan is not looking. Maybe the Weinermobile can buzz the Knocker Ball competition that night.
I am not sure it you heard, but I was a somewhat serious candidate for the Wilmington Blue Rocks’ general manager position. They ultimately hired Vince Bulik as their General Manager instead of me because they wanted a puppet rather than profit, but I am not sure how committed I was to that position. I am not sure I would want to work for an organization that abandoned the Carolina League, plus I am not sure that David Heller [CEO; Main Street Baseball] and I have resolved all the nastiness that went down in Adelanto a few years back. Plus, the temptation to throw Mr. Celery into a blender just might have been too great.
I have also created a task force to bring AAA baseball to Boise, Idaho via a new downtown stadium. I have not informed the Hawks of this because I just might cut them out of the deal and start fresh. I mean, they have already pissed away the prime locations, and I have a much better relationship with corporate sponsors than their emaciated staff. If I win that Power Ball thingy, I should have the capital to finance my own stadium. Or I could just build a new stadium i the Inland Empire and offer you can assistant general manager position, and take Knocker Ball to a new level around here..
Well, today is the eve of a three day weekend, so I am going to let you go to earnestly start day drinking. Once the Pelicans’s schedule is released, I am sure we will have a great deal to plan.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Did you see me wearing the Pelican’s Pirate logo at Tucson National Golf Club this week? How is that for some national marketing!