Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:
Hello Rock! Unlike the state of Texas, we are back on the grid! The California League is no more, eradicated by Bobby Manfred’s goons, but the 2021 schedule for the Low A West has been released, so there will be joy in Mudville this summer (but not in Rancho Cucamonga because those phlegm suckers abhor being happy). We really have not communicated too much during this pandemic because I have been pretty much saving the world as saviors do. Plus, there was that party with the python in the shower… Not all heroes wear capes, but the good ones wear boxers.
I have a few questions about my season tickets, but first I need to ask if there is currently any beer on tap at San Manuel Stadium? The Thirsty Thursday Ambassador needs a stadium beer in the worst way, and he cannot wait until May 4th. Since I have received my COVID VAX, I am even more invincible than before, so I figured I could come down to San Manuel Stadium and have a beer with with my peeps, say like this afternoon. I am sure whoever is left in the front office would love to see me as I bring hope and inspiration to all — except for that one guy.
I am sure that GM Joe has had you guys doing all sorts of cleaning of your offices over the past year. Did happen to find a 2019 California League All Star Game polo? There will never be another California League All Star Game, although the might be an El Pollo League All Star Game because corporate sponsorship is MiLB’s new overlord. I am not really a nostalgist, but one of those All Star polos from 2019 would push back the creeping night a bit.
Hey, did you hear that the Myrtle Beach Pelicans are putting a brick with my name on it in their stadium to show their gratitude to me? They are also letting name throwout a first pitch, something I have never done at San Manuel Stadium. Who is throwing out the first pitch this Opening Night? I could use the practice, plus I picked up a few new dance moves during quarantine.
Since I have 66er business cards, I think that means I get into the stadium for games even if County Health Department prohibits fans. Let’s face it, I am more than just a fan; I am part of THE INDUSTRY. I was even a candidate for the Wilmington Blue Rocks’ vacant GM position. I am pretty sure I was a finalist for the position, but ultimately, ownership wanted a puppet instead of profit. I mean, there was no way in hell I was going to move to Delaware, but I did not tell them that.
I am been thinking your organization needs a rebrand. The 66ers represent a past that is never coming back in our post COVID lives. I think we should go with the Inland Empire Horseman of the Apocalypse: Conquest, Famine, War, Plague, and Bernie. Yes, Rock, we are going to have five horsemen of the Apocalypse instead of four because that is just how we roll in the IE. Imagine Bernie with a scythe. Perhaps Bernie should also have a tenor saxophone to play some great end times tunes. How the women will swoon! How the merchandise will sell across the entire nation!
Your cleaning crews did not happen to find a wedding band in Section 102, did they? I lost mine about thirteen years ago not at San Manuel Stadium, but you never know how things just can turn up in unexpected places sometime. It is gold, by the way. Real gold.
Hey, did you hear the poor Eugene Emeralds are shackled to the San Francisco Giants? I’d gnaw my leg off at the groin to escape that if that happened to me. Poor Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]. The Giants are known to practice cannibalism. I hope they do not view him as a snack.
I need to roll. You were the first of many minor league executives I need to contact now that the schedules are released. Baseball is back!
Your friend in baseball,